Weird lunch. Hard to find light conversation under the circumstances. A little flirting, a little banter, a little arm pinch (which I joked was turning me on too much). Lots of references to how good I look.
A friend of H's happened to walk into restaurant and I asked H what he knows. He said he just knows we are not together...
H invited me up to make me some tea...Asked at one point to see my six pack (I don't have one) but I told him he'd have to work a lot harder for that. Asked me for a hug, I gave him a distant one with some back tapping (friend hug) he held on and tried to get closer. After he asked if it was wrong that he liked hugging me. I didn't answer. He said "no, I think it is ok." I just let him spin around a little. He asked me if I can come out later tonight. I said I'm not sure if the timing will work out plus I don't know what I'm walking into (mutual friends etc) and that makes me uncomfortable.
I got a clear agreement regarding the amount of money.
It was an ok afternoon but wow, I am not attracted to him. WTF??
I guess it is good but it feels so sad.
I did tell him while at his place that was is strange to see my kids beds there and their little things...he said he doesn't take that for granted.
So, shooting gallery. I think I know what to do here. But, one thought. He would do just about anything I asked him to right about now. Maybe even Retrouvaille. But, my instinct is to hold off and focus on my life without him (or with him as a peripheral figure).
Retrovaille would be as much to convince me as him that there is any possible chance for us as a married couple.
I feel ok. I'm relieved about the money. It is the first step. Breathe, time to start looking for a place in earnest.
