She did answer the phone kind of upbeat and I know this apparently stresses her and me out trying to negotiate this. So how is the best way to handle all of this and try to keep some positvie interactions going. Especially if she just hangs up on me. Do I just give up my time with my daughter? She already has all kind of time with her and I only get a few weekends. I pick her up and drop her off and when I began discussing this is what was in the Court Order, she tells me I frequently drop her off late. Like 15 minutes late. This is mainly because you can't just rip up a child while they are doing some things and say we have to go right now (i.e. she is now potty training and she was asking to go right before we needed to leave). I am not so much late dropping her off beyond that.
just found out from a ex from a friend of my ex, they are having a bday party for his son. That is where my ex wants to take my daughter. Not that it is pertinent, but I guess she feels she can just manipulate the situation and be able to have my daughter for the weekend and take her to the party. Should it be this way? How should I address?
That one may need additional clairification. I was trying to say... One of my ex's friends has an ex is going through a similiar experience. They have a son about the same age as our daughter. They have split up and he is now remarried.
Just to vent I called him to discuss my situation about my ex and her saying she has already made plans on my weekend. He mentioned it was his son's birthday and his ex was having a party for him. I am assuming that is more than likely some of what my ex may have had planned with our daughter.
I know it gets confusing. Hope that is a better explanation. So do I call again to attempt to get my daughter over my weekend? Do I try to just let her have her for this time? What is the best route?
Need some input. Any WAS that might be able to provide some feedback would be great. Tks!
ok.. finally talked with the ex this afternoon and that is a milestone for sure. She was still very angry saying I was just doing what was best for me. I am selfish and just try to take advantage of her and D. Says she already had plans and that i needed to stop thinking about myself. I just Validated as much as possible. She said I always lied and tried to hide stuff from her. I tried to explain that is what she wanted was to not talk so I was merely honoring that. I told her I just try to be a better me and do the best I can to understand where she is and be supportive of her and D.
She is like "I don't believe anything you say". "You are not sincere about anything or any of what your saying". "I go by action and everything you say you go back on".
I asked her what I went back on and she was saying the attorneys. Saying I did not want to go through them and wanted to not keep doing that, then she would get something back from the atty. Tried to explain that I don't want to go thru the atty, but sometimes I felt like I had no other choice.
I also mentioned to her that I just try to make the best choices I can when I have to make them. I may not have always done that, but I tried to take all into consideration and make the best decision at that time.
What do you do? I was supposed to have my D this weekend and sometimes feel like she just did what she wanted to do. I try to take the higher ground, but I feel like I will always be the one having to do that. Not her. Will she ever say I'm sorry? Will she ever try to be polite? Will she ever try to do something remotely nice?
I told her I just try to be a better me and do the best I can to understand where she is and be supportive of her and D.
Don't TELL her what you are doing or are going to do. You have to live your changes. And, what you did was not validating, it was disagreeing with her. That will not go anywhere positive.
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I try to take the higher ground, but I feel like I will always be the one having to do that. Not her. Will she ever say I'm sorry? Will she ever try to be polite? Will she ever try to do something remotely nice?
You WILL have to be the one to take the higher ground and do all the work until she wants to trust you again (remember it's her PERCEPTION, not reality, that's important).
And her saying "sorry" isn't the goal. Improving yourself to make you more attractive to her is the goal.
Why can't you go to the party, too? If you can't there may be a trust issue that you should address.
Personally, I would suck it up and stop worrying about on who's terms I'm spending time w/ my child. Time is time and you'll be happier to spend it w/ your kids in the long run. I'll bet that if you start showing some flexibility then your W will start trusting you more.
Kids should not be kept from parents. If this is a pattern you should address it. You should definitely see if you can attend the party.
Last edited by M A Holm; 09/26/0901:47 AM.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Thanks GIMA! I guess we are learning along the way. Recommit to not disagreeing and try to do a better job of validating. How do you agree when someone is being selfish about keeping your child away from you. Esp when it is in the court order to have her. I do want to take the higher ground and agree with her, but I feel like I may never see my D if I do that.
MA Holm. It would be nice if we could all attend the party, but that will not happen. The party is her friends who support her in her quest to separate from each other. She has mentioned previously (when we first separated) that if we did try to get back together they would be upset with her. Crazy.
I will try to be more flexible, but again how do you do it and try to follow the court order at the same time? The X has tried to cut me out of Ds life and make it as difficult as possible to visit and spend time with the D.
How do you agree when someone is being selfish about keeping your child away from you. Esp when it is in the court order to have her.
I would treat this as a boundary type issue. "My D is important to me and I value the time I am entitled to spend with her."
If your ex pushes back on this, I would tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is not a debatable issue. I value my time with D, and I think it is important for D to have both of us showing her love, attention and guidance. I would prefer to work out an agreement amoung us. But, if that's not possible, I have no choice but to seek that right another way." Don't be emotional or threatening. Be firm, polite and all business.
Then, if she tests you, follow through.
Important thing is not to make this about HER. Use "I" statements, not "YOU" statements. She will be less likely to get defensive if you make this about you, not her.
You keep talking about statements your ex has made about not trusting you and you going back on your word. What is she talking about? FYI, none of us here are perfect, or we wouldn't be here, would we?
Tks GIMA! She always seems to and will continue to keep testing me I'm sure.
As far as the not trusting issues, I think some of it stems from me maybe being nonchalante (sp?) about answering her in the past. She ask me if I was seeing others girls, I would just kid about it and say something to the effect of Sure, I have 15 other girlfriends. Bc to me that was a silly question and I just kind of was lighthearted and just kind of laughed about it. That is one example she has given me. She says that if I was not seeing anyone else then I would have just point blank answered the question.
She also mentions that when we were together I did not answer my phone when she called quickly enough and so she was thinking I was with another girl.
Another issue for us was that I had a house that I was refurbing and it was about 30 - 45 minutes from our place. I did spend the night there a couple of times to finish a few projects. The only way I could do it (or at least I thought so at the time).
When we were in court order counseling (for our eight sessions) she did bring out that she felt I placed repairing that house above our relationship and daughter.
Hope this helps. After talking with X, we did come up with a comprimise to let her have my D for the weekend and I get her Sun evening and bring her back Mon am.
I really feel like I kind of got the shaft on this one, but to make peace I went ahead and rolled with it. She seemed much easier to talk to after I gave in and trying to validate.
I still have yet to read the DR or DB books. Anybody know the best place to get a copy on the cheap? Money is tighter than tight. If we can place on the boards, maybe send me a private email on here.
Picked up my D yesterday afternoon. I was thinking I would be getting her early afternoon after church, but was later informed it would be around 5. Oh well.
When I picked her up I attempted to have minimal conversation and just get my D and go. The X attempted to ask me about halloween costume and I just said we would take care of it. She also was asking me to feed her and I said I would. I was just making extra effort to not engage in discussion with her and appear we were in a rush.
I feel like my X just took my weekend visitation with my D. She took her to Disney on Ice and the Bday party.
At any rate it was my weekend and she should have known and there should have been no plans on her part. If she did want to do something like that she should have asked me. right? I am ok with sharing her on my weekend, but she refuses to on her times. I don't get to see her any other time than my court ordered visitation times with her. The X does not go out of her way to facilitate that at all.
She wanted me to do several Sun overnights to make up for my weekends lost. I don't think that is fair at all and makes me think she wants to make plans for the Sunday evening.
I was struggling with this last night. Feeling betrayed in taking away my weekend and this enabling her to set up something on her Sunday evenings I am sure.
