Ok so maybe someone kicked this off in him, but dont get too obsessed with who! Hes not going to tell you and if you push to know hes only going to swing back and bite!
I know how you feel, my H was spending a lot of time with a SA guy, at least ten years younger than him and also he has always contracted so has a lot of money behind him.. The two of them were bored silly at work so often went out for coffee/eat during the day, I know H confided in him and one half thought at least loner boy has a friend, but I do wonder what the friend told him.
I reckon for every one person out there who would say "you said till death us do part and what ever sh*t hits the fan, now stick to it" there are at least four that would go down the route of "sh*t happens you need to be happy dump them and go" Marriages are disposable now!
First rule of a LBS is not to waste time and energy working out WHY! Just ignore him and GAL without him, my rule for me was not to react unless what he was doing started threating me, eg: with holding money! I would have had to seek legal advice.
His biggest paranoia seems to be the "their all talking about me" so DONT talk to anyone except your special friends and us, Im lucky we dont really have any joint friends so hes not gonna find out anything! Although my S will let the cat outta the bag so Im careful what info I give him.
Right at this minute you are in shock mode so tend to yourself and keep busy! Clean the whole house if you have to, but keep busy and go to that BBQ and look fab, it will get back to him be sure of that!
Lot of huggles as I do know how awful this feels, Im struggling today as well so you really do have my empathy x
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
(((Oz))) when you have an answer to these questions, please let me know. I have been trying to work out the same in my own M for the past 4 months. One minute fine ... next minute, WAH sounding every inch like he is being coached by a pro. Same deal. Alien behaviour. Accusations flying - mostly about money in my case.
Oz, see if you can relate to this that I read today:
Listen between the Gaps "Often, the key to communication is what's not said. Listen with your ears and your eyes. Look where the words don't match the meaning. Don't fill the gaps by speaking: allow the speaker to do it. Look for motivations. You'll be surprised at the results".
Then there was this from Epictetus (circa 55-135):
"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak".
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
My H has been all over the place for many months now as well and I never expected that I would be in this position now as he had threatened many times to leave and never did.
At the moment I am too numb to try to think rationally and have had way to much red wine to drink for a Thursday night. I just can't believe what has happened this week since Tuesday, it is like a living nightmare.
I know (((Oz))) - none of us saw this coming and yet most of us have gone through the exact pain so we are with you.
Try not to drink too much - it's a depressant and, whilst it blocks it all out for a while (or at least numbs the sensation) it feels much worse when the effect wears down. Camomile tea is much better and far more calming! Take the Twinings one which has spearmint in it too - it's good for the digestion and that's always positive as our insides are so stressed out at these times.
I don't see how you can think rationally right now, so don't try to put too much pressure upon yourself to do so. Let your buddies guide you for a little while and, as has been already said here, just WAIT now.
Meanwhile, be kind to ((Oz)) - go have a nice warm bath before bed and try to reframe your thought processes before bed. It prevents the bad dreams and nightmares apparently, but I am still working on that one for myself, as you know!
Put today aside. Tomorrow is another day and you need to face it afresh. Come now Oz ... embrace the Aussie spirit and "have a go" so that you can try to prove to yourself that you are strong enough to see things through, just one day at a time right now. Small baby steps - holding our hands. We are here - we may not be able to stop you from falling but we can support you when you wobble ....
Keep your chin held high, put on the Oz protectors and go to work tomorrow ready to face the day and all that it brings. Rabbit and I will be sending you some good old fashioned British "stiff upper lip" to help you through.
Sleep tight (((Oz))) - deep breaths. Count sheep.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I know everyone has been where I am way before I got here and I can't thank everyone enough for their support.
Tomorrow I will clean the house like a mad woman, hopefully get some new jeans that I desperately need to wear to the bbq. The unfortunate thing is that nothing of the bbq will get back to H as it is with the friends he thinks are all talking about him. He has no contact with them whatsoever only I do. So absolutely no hope in hell of him knowing anything.
D's ragdoll princess senses my mood tonight and has spent much time sitting on my knee purring and looking intently at me. Poor thing in her own way she is trying to help me. I said to D tonight at least our furry friends don't rip our hearts out and stomp on them.
No one needs thanks for the support here Oz - it's taken as read and you know that - we all do as we all take our turns at being the giver and then the receiver. Sad though that is.
Yup! Clean the house, work out that energy but don't be surprised if it ends in tears ... the highs and the lows of the emotional arc. Get the jeans - mine are fab and I am always glad that I ended up getting two pairs!!
Let me tell you that you don't know WHAT will get back to H. Whoever is at the BBQ and sees anything, will be too tempting for them. Believe you me. Look how word of me working got back to H - and who knows who it was that spilled that can of beans - things get back - it's life's grapevine and you know it works - it's fast too - even works across 12,000 miles so I don't think that you can compete with that, really!! I think that these things have a way of working and, if there's something to know, H will find out about it, regardless of you saying that he has no contact with people.
The Princesses definitely know all that's going on and they come with their love. Take it all and know that H can't share right now! Revenge is best served on a cold platter - and us with a warm lap!!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I know everyone has been where I am way before I got here and I can't thank everyone enough for their support.
Tomorrow I will clean the house like a mad woman, hopefully get some new jeans that I desperately need to wear to the bbq. The unfortunate thing is that nothing of the bbq will get back to H as it is with the friends he thinks are all talking about him. He has no contact with them whatsoever only I do. So absolutely no hope in hell of him knowing anything.
You need to go to the BBQ for you, not for what will or won't get back to your H. Focus on being in the moment. Even if you get 10 minutes of peace and enjoyment, then get the 10 minutes.
Quote:
D's ragdoll princess senses my mood tonight and has spent much time sitting on my knee purring and looking intently at me. Poor thing in her own way she is trying to help me. I said to D tonight at least our furry friends don't rip our hearts out and stomp on them.
I am going to give you some advice here. I know that you are hurting like you've never hurt before - I've been there - but do NOT say things like this to your D, please.
She knows you are sad and are hurting. But this places a burden on her heart that shouldn't be and also a resentment of her Father that you should not promote.
I've been at this a long time. Read his email again. He is asking for time and space. Give that to him. Give it to him and give it to yourself.
None of this happens "all of a sudden" it just is new to you. Something has been in his head a long time to get him to this point. This is a long process and you have the time to give him.
What I recommend to get through the worst days:
1. Journal - pour out your heart. Tell him all the things you would like to tell him, all the things that hurt, that make you angry. If you could read my journal you would see the good and bad days and how I screamed at him, but only on paper.
2. Allow yourself to cry and grieve - but set a timer and then get up and do something. Do NOT cry around your children. Go for a walk by yourself and cry. Its ok to cry. It helps you heal. Just don't let yourself cry all day.
3. Be in the moment. Looking into the future is too hard right now. Focus on the next 5 minutes. Then the next 10. Repeat.
a) Focus on what you are doing. Enjoy the feel of soft blankets, the warmth of a hot bath, the smell of fresh coffee. Look around you at the things you normally don't take notice of. (The trees waving in the wind, the pretty flowers, birds, a child playing in the park, etc.)
4. Read and read and read. Here, books, other web sites like Rejoice Marriage Ministries. Take notes. Work on your growth. Figure YOU out.
a) When all this happened I thought I already knew myself. But I was just moving from day to day, I realize now. I've know myself, my values, what I want out of life, and have a plan to work toward the future.
b) Do not spend all your time here. If you are here all day, every day then you will only obsess about your sitch and not grow.
5. Pamper yourself. Get your hair done. Get a manicure. Get a massage. Buy those jeans, just because you want to.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. The sad thing is that if you watch the board there are more of us every day. But never lose sight of the fact that you have TIME.
No one gets D over night. You don't have to fix this right now, and realistically it won't fix that quickly. You can only work on you, not him.
Show him the respect and give him the time and space he is asking for.
One last thought, someone once comforted me by telling me what an advantage we have in that they once loved us once, enough to marry us. We have that over anyone else they may talk to. That is a forever connection that even they can't wipe out of their minds and hearts.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I feel like I am starting all over again, I went through all this the first time he left back in June and now I am going through it all again, I just wonder how much more strength I can find to do it all again to get through the first week of them gone, picking myself up and getting going again.
Our D is 18 and believe me she formed an opinion of her father a long time ago, he unfortunately never spent time with her other than the time he absolutely had to, he has always been critical of her, never paid her any compliments, she is an exceptionally gifted student at school but it wasn't good enough, she had to do even better. This was the same for our S only he did spend a lot of time with him but the criticisms were the same. He never told them he loved them, never gave them hugs and unfortunately kids remember all these things. I believe this all stems from his treatment as a kid.
H said to me the other day that he had spent the kids growing years trying to toughen them up for real life well he achieved that.
I have been giving him space and time and respect for many months now and then out of the blue I am being accused of affairs and hiding my money and without being given a chance to defend myself he and whoever he is talking to decide that I am guilty without trial and must be suitably punished.
I will get the jeans today, hopefully if I have time, have to take D to a forensic careers info day at the coroner's office here.
Will get my hair and nails done tomorrow morning, but now since he has removed his financial support other than what I need, this will be last luxury I enjoy I suspect.
Why is it that they do what they do and appear to be able to go off and have fun as though nothing is wrong, why don't they seem to feel the same pain we do.
It's like they don't care at all about anyone else's feelings or the fact that they have literally just gutted someone.
Forgive the cold comfort ok - but seriously, snap yourself out of this. It's not over, and you've got tons of help behind you including us and the DB Coach.
He's running b/c he's scared. Don't you do the same (by withdrawing emotionally). Be the confident, sassy Oz we all know you can be.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
