Magnificent

[LolaL]

Heads up everyone...I know Mishka is in the part of the country that is flooding right now, so if anyone has any other way, can we check on her?

Mishka...if you get to a computer please let us know if you are okay.

[mishka422]

Thanks for the kind thoughts and concern.

We're just fine south of Atlanta but from the south perimeter northward is a total mess. We have a lot of down trees and some minor flooding but nothing of the magnitude they are seeing up there (about 30 miles away). Actually, the sky is totally blue here right now and it's hot and sunny.

We are expecting more storms every day of the next week so please keep everyone in this area in your prayers.

[LolaL]

Thanks for letting us know... keep us posted so we know you are okay...

[mishka422]

I had C yesterday afternoon and it was a serious meltdown. Something I didn't exect to hit me hard felt like someone had dropped a stone on me.

She had me doing one of those complete the sentence exercises. It was going along ok. A few things made me a uncomfortable or upset but no biggie, then she said "My dad is......." I lost it! I started crying so hard I could barely control myself.

Apparently I have been carrying around a load of grief for over 22 years that I haven't fully dealt with. I think I stuffed it down because I was young and didn't know what to do with it. A few other sentences brought out a lot of my resentment and obvious hostility toward Gabe for the way he handled (or refused to handle) situations.

Next exercise.....something we talk about here often. Writing a letter, never to be mailed, telling Gabe all of the ways I was dissappointed and hurt over the years and my feelings about it ending the letter with his final act of disrespect toward me - bringing the broom to our 'visitation meeting' and ambushing me with her then leaving me there facing her alone. I'm still harboring a lot of anger toward him for putting me in that position and haven't been able to fully let that go.

Why do I hold on to these things and rehash them over and over in my head. The outcome will never be different. There is no do-over. Why is it stuck cycling in there? Don't know, all I know is I want it to stop....poste haste!

The rain is holding off today but we're expecting more in the next few days. Two of my cousin's sons are flooded out of their apartments already. Her oldest works for a company that handles storm damage. He hasn't been home more than 6 total hours in the last 3 days. Poor guy!

[dday101798]

Her oldest works for a company that handles storm damage

Yes, irony, or the fact the big man upstairs sometimes has a twisted sense of humor?

A thought on your C an dwhy you feel the way you do. It's funny you should mention 'do-overs'. There are A LOT of situations in the evolution and aftermath of my sithc that I wish I could do-over. Most of which, and bashful to say, besuace I was passive at the moment the event occured. Whether it be to not say or do anything to 'offend' X, make me look bad to the kids, because I was in shock, or what not.

That said, I think we carry that thought of "man, what if I did this or that differently?" around with us. Maybe to remember the next time we're in that situation, or maybe ot just purely haunt ourselves, I don't know.

I know I was always 'queitly' infuriated by the presence of OM. I would give XW hints that he needed to leave or something would happen, but never fully said or expressed anything to her, barring the "can we get him the F out of here" in the court room to her L. But I never said anything in front of the kids. Well, last time I dropped them off and I had to take S12 up to the porch, OM was stnading inside the front door and gave me his snyde little look as I consoled my son. Without even thinking about it, I blurted out "you have some kind of problem!?!" an dhe slammed the door and went a tirade to XW. S11 was apparently siiting in the chair by the door inside and came out laughing his butt off saying it was funny how upset OM got, and that S11 didn't know I had that kind of 'spunk' in me. (I don't start things, but I sure can finish them).

I don't know if that helps shed any light or not?

[dday101798]

Oh, I guess what I was getting at is by not doing things differently we may feel that we allowed all these negative things to transpire on upon us? And htus rember them subconsciensly to do differently next time we are placed in that situation?

[mishka422]

Hmmmm...I'm having a really hard time composing that letter. Even though I'm not ever going to send it, I still feel like it can't come from a place of blame because it's not about that. Everything I write sounds so shrewish! There is still a whole bunch of anger stored up inside toward him and there is no outlet for it. Maybe if I just write all the anger and stop worrying about how it sounds it would be best. That's what I do in my journal, but that is always written in very disjointed sounding rants, not in letter format.

Tuesday night when I got home from bible study Gabe was in the driveway in the broom's car dropping off Marc after karate. What's significant about that? Nothing. My question to myself though is why the heck does it bother me that he is driving her car? She's not in it. Does it matter? He lives with her, sleeps with her, does everything with her. Again, maybe it's just that anger rearing it's head because those are all the things I did with him and thought I always would. I don't know. Stupid.

Don't get me wrong here.....I don't want him back. Not ever. He is a broken man who thinks of no one other than himself and he doesn't even do a good job of that.

Ok, back to the regularly scheduled programming..........lalalalalalaalala......

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((mishka)))))

Write the rant. Get it out.

The go back and see if you can turn the rant into a letter. Maybe both can be useful for the C?

[kat727]

Hon, you are writing this for you, not him. It doesn't have to be perfect. Say all the things you wanted to say, needed to say but didn't because of how it might make you look. Rant, rant, rant, get it all out. It will be very healing I promise as long as you don't edit yourself.

kat

[Virtually_Handsome]

Mish....
You have spent way too long worrying about what people are going to thing of you! Break out on this one! It's a great opportunity!