Confrontations are no fun, and they are, for the most part, wholly unproductive. Maybe even counterproductive.
Standing your ground on what is right and what is true. THAT you can do.
It's a simple principle. I don't share my wife with another man (or woman should it come to that). Period.
Playing emotional tag through facebook, twitter, text messages, email, whatever, it's all sharing time, emotion, thoughts, feelings, that are supposed to be shared with YOU.
As long as that's going on, there is no marriage.
You don't play by the rules, you lose priveliges.
It's not pre-school all over with you playing the role of teacher. It's you being an honest man who is trying to live his life with a certain degree of integrity, insisting that your wife do the same if she expects to continue taking part in the priveliges of marriage.
You will need to find your kahuna's during this mess.
And you will have to learn how to use them properly.
This is not about being the tough guy.
This is about being a MAN.
EA's lead to PA's. Duh.
Work on yourself. And I don't mean that in some pat, cliche way like telling you to "have a good day." I mean that as an exhortation, kind of like when I scream at my football players to "DO IT RIGHT FOR GOD's SAKE!!"
Your advantage in this mess is that she wants little to nothing to do with you. So take advantage of your advantage. You've got flaws, bad habits. You've fallen short in some ways of being the man you always thought you would be, but you were so busy being husband and Dad that you figured you just had to roll with it.
Well no more.
Get to work.
Stay away from the crap.
Don't try to convince her she's right. Or wrong.
YOU
You
you
The only thing you CAN be responsible for.
The only thing you CAN change.
The only thing you CAN do something about.
Blessings,
Bill
What Bworl said. ^
If you DO end up in a convo about OM, it's best you don't make it about HER, as that will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make it about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Examples:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
And for god's sakes, if you ARE going to address it, don't do it in a "it would be nice if you wouldn't ...." way -- that, I'm sure, came across as WEAK.
