Well the talk is done and I'm not really sure how it went. We got complete silence from them. Not a word other than "okay". Our older daughter, age 12 was stonefaced and unemotional. Sarah, 11, initially became teary-eyed but immediately shut that down. I tried, without forcing them, to let them know that it was okay to be sad, mad, angry or whatever they were feeling and that it was okay to ask or tell us anything they wanted, but they had no questions or comments at all. While I'm glad that they didn't break down or anything, it does trouble me that they were this unemotional. Anyone else have similar reactions from their kids? I plan to talk to them again in a couple of days after all of this has set in and see how they are doing.
My D pretended she didnt even listen and completely detached from the time and place. It took the C 6 months before she said the words even that me and her dad were separating. She is trying till this day, to ignore the actual facts and holds on to the idea of our life together.
Your kids are older. I think you will get reactions from them but they need time to process the news. Stay strong, they will need you. xxx K
Thanks for the insight, K. I just don't want them to internalize everything they are feeling. I'd rather they get it out so that we can deal with it. This is one of the problems with my W, she never ever shares what she is feeling, just keeps it to herself until it builds up and becomes a bigger issue than when it started out.
Have you considered what to do when your W next gets reassigned?
My W and I have discussed this. She understands and we have agreed that if she is reassigned to a different location that the girls will stay here with me. She has her full 20 years in now though, so in all likelyhood if push came to shove she would retire instead of move.
So 3 days before the big separation date and my W and I are getting along better than we have in months, not that it means anything but it sure beats tension that you could cut with a knife. I leave on a 1 week business trip this weekend so I won't be around for most of her move into the apartment. Hoping I have at least some furniture to come home to and not an empty house.
Okay - so last night my W had a mini-melt down. Uncontrollable sobbing, but not really getting into the details of what was wrong other than a horrible day at work.
This morning she has become more distant than the last few days, not that she was overly engaged before, but there is a definite difference in her interation with me. I'm chalking it up to the stress and realization of her upcoming move. I've simply been trying to be her friend lately and keep a positive and pleasant attitude around her. I think this will work best even after she moves out in terms especially of co-parenting our children.
Well the talk is done and I'm not really sure how it went.
I moved out at 10 p.m. at night on Mother's Day with a few things. The next night we had the talk and my D10 didn't take it well. She cried and cried and cried. The D7 is ADHD so she tends to move on quickly. She cried at first but seemed reassured when we talked about how they'd see me every day, which is basically true. I've never gone more than four days without seeing them for at least a little bit.
We're five months into it and the D10 puts up a brave front, talking about "when you get divorced," but every once in a while she'll start crying out of the blue. She really wants to live with me, but I told her that her mom and I decided they would stay with mom. Sometimes, to reassure her, I'll say that nothing has been filed yet so there's still hope. I don't think I'm supposed to do that, but it cheers her up.
The D7 has surprised me. She's taking it harder than I thought. When I'm over there, she hugs me and tells me not to leave. If the W and I are talking, she'll say something like "you guys are getting along" and her face will light up.
Here's an interesting difference. The W removed all pictures of me from our house. She does have pictures up of my mom and grandfather though.
I bought several photo collages to decorate my apartment. One of them, for the girls room, is several family photos with the two of us together. I'm not going to erase our history.
I don't know if this will ever feel "normal" though.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Thanks for sharing your experience in this. So far my D's have been doing pretty good, actually much better than I thought, although their Mom doesn't actually move out until this weekend so we will see.
Aside from last nights drama, my W and I have been getting along pretty well the last week or so. I do believe that it's partly because I've decided to make this last week together as pleasant as possible. That could be part of the reason for last night in that it may have raised some indecision on my W's part as to whether she is making the right decision - although that is speculation on my part. Her actions show that she is still moving ahead with the move, signs the lease tomorrow and has moved funds from our money market to our checking to pay for the first month's rent.
I'm sorry that your wife decided to erase you from your home by removing the pictures. Seems a bit childish to me. I would be very surprised if my W did that, but then again, I was surprised by the intensity of the affair she is in so who really knows. I think your approach is much more healthy for your kids and one that I will take as well. Their Mom will always be part of my life's history.
I removed all pictures of my XW from my house and gave them to her. I did not want to be reminded continually of my past life with her and the resulting breakup of our family. Someday, I may wish to look at pictures of us again as I have those on disk. But my current attitude is to plow forward and not be reminded of or dwell on the past.
Your wife's drama is understandable. She is going through a tough time just as you and your daughters are.
Just so you know, walk away spouses do change their minds as mine did.
One of the things I did tell her last night was that I understood that she was going through a lot of stress right now - tried to validate what she was feeling. Not sure that really got through to her.
As for the pictures, I can understand taking down pictures from the walls, off the nightstands, etc., I mean afterall who wants to wake up and see a picture of someone who broke up the family, but are you talking about giving back all of the pictures/photos with your W in it? Just wondering.
