I do think he sounds sincere, but as you said, he has also shown he is WEAK, and the recidivism rate for infidelity is very high unless you put a near-bulletproof no-contact/transparency plan in place.
Would he be willing to write her a no-contact letter, the copy of which would be approved by you, and it would be MAILED by you? (so that nothing is added/softened/etc.). Have you read up much on transparency plans? There is more than just changing his cellphone number, but that IS a very good start, as is the MCing. For a book, rather than "The Love Dare," I'd love to see you read "His Needs/Her Needs" or "After the Affair" together, and I also think you should see an MC who specializes in infidelity, because you're both going to have a lot of painful stuff to work through. But it CAN be done!
I'm so happy for you; this sounds like a great start!
I'm so glad that Puppy responded to your post b/c he knows more about this part of the road.
I agree that "His Needs/Her Needs" would be more beneficial than Love Dare.....and I haven't read the other one. Love Dare has gotten popular lately b/c of that movie, and it's a sweet little book...but I don't see it being what you need right now.
Puppy can explain about transparency better than I can, but it is everything out in the open where his communications are concerned. Nothing is kept private or secret. He should be willing for you to see all phone records, TM on his cell, emails, etc. Of course, we know that if a person wants to have an A, they will figure out a way to keep it secret, but the point is--if he is serious about wanting to work on the M, then he should have no problem in being completely open about everything.
If you have any questions about his A and OW....now is the time to ask him...while he's willing to talk. You are being very quite and you are keeping things bottled up about the OW. That isn't good. Talk now--or expect him to get angry if you decide to bring it up in a couple of months b/c you can't get OW off your mind. As a woman, I understand needing to talk about things until you feel you can get it out of your system.....but I think a lot of men want it to be over with--and "forgotten", so to speak.
I don't know how to tell you to handle with the after PA ordeal. Puppy can help you there. I would say, however, this is the time to really do your best to be all that you can be so that your H will know he made the right choice. When he hugged you, that is when you knew you didn't want to give him up, right? So, make it count.
I agree that find the right counselor is very important. Please do that while he is willing to go. My H would never agree to go to counseling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm helping my son with his HW at the moment, but if you check out the MarriageBuilders website, or simply Google it, you can read up on "no-contact letter" and "transparency" "infidelity".
One question I have is do I really need to know all the details about the A and the OW. I am not sure I want to know. He said i can ask anything and he will answer honestly. I do feel he is feeling a little sad having broken it off. I did ask him if her expectation was for him to leave us and marry her and he said yes. OUCH!!! Anyways, he had a major breakdown last night and cried hard, saying he was so sorry for the pain he caused--I really think too he is mourning that loss--I know that is normal right? He did change his cell number yesterday and is having all the bills mailed to our home so I have all the records. He wants to re-engage with our Marriage Encounter Circle that we were part of. He is making the counseling appointments for us. We found a "marriage friendly" counselor who does deal with infidelity. He has told his family members and they all called me yesterday. I think he is really there.
My question, how do we really start to restore trust? Remember 2 weeks ago I planned a trip to the beach with my kiddos because I was GAL. Now that all this has happened, I am still going to the beach and he is going to our nephews wedding back in CA but he will be with his mom and dad the whole time and his mom is fully aware of EVERYTHING so she will be on him like a hawk, but I am really anxious. I know that I should not dive right into the trust right now and he knows I can't either, but I kinda have to this weekend.
Another question, how do I get past the images of him having sex to the OW everytime he touches me or when we are watching tv and a love scene comes on, it makes me sick. The problem is that I am a very physical person and I want to touch him and feel him, but when we get too close, I freeze. Do I detach from that until I get over it or how do I handle that?
I want to thank you all so much for your support, help, guidance and reality. Puppy, please let me know your thoughts on these 2 questions.
Your best friend is going to be time. I remember talking with someone on here that was dealing with your exact same feelings, and it started out the same way - mental images, etc.
I think it was like a couple of months before she even had the the ability to sit closely, and watch a movie - let alone any intimacy. Don't force yourself to do anything you aren't ready for - it'll just build up resentment and walls, but at the same time, if you are truly serious about the marriage working, you will need to be able to forgive.
I think the answer on whether to know the details depends on you - if you're the type that fills in the blanks with all the most horrible graphic details, and it consumes you, perhaps knowing the truth will help. If you're like me, then I don't want to know the details - it's enough to know that it was an affair, and all the disgust that comes with that. It's easy for me to truly forgive and forget, and look for the best in the future...
The transparency plan is a huge contributor to building trust...
K, you are the "winner" in this situation. Your H chose you over the OW, so that means he had rather be with you than her. If you don't want to know the detail....then don't ask. What I was saying is that it is better to ask now than later. He is willing to discuss it now...but probably won't be at a later date.
From what I have read, the LBS often imagines the A to be a lot of passionate that it really was, so don't be your worst enemy and don't give the OW that much credit!
It is pretty amazing how open your H is being about his feelings right now. It is normal for him to go through a grieving period and I hope you will be patient to a point with him. It isn't so much the OP as it was the chemicals rushing his brain that he was hooked on. It is the excitment that he'll miss more than her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks to all of you for your continued support. I am at the beach with my kids this weekend and he is at a wedding. He tells me his feelings are so strong right now because he almost threw all this away and he is so glad he did not. I am glad he didn't either but am having a hard time seeing how I will get past all this. We are seeing a MC on Tuesday. This is so new right now and feelings are so raw, he wants to move on so bad and I just sit and think about everything that has happened and the extent of the lies and just the disgust of what goes on in an A. I want him to do most of the driving work on getting our marriage back on track and I want to see great remorse, I also need to get a great idea of the transparency plan. I tried to get into his email today and he changed the password so of course I freaked out. I didn't act on it though today, I will address it with him tomorrow when I see him. He has been texting me so many memories of our wedding and letting me know so many feelings all through this wedding which is why I am not bringing this up now. I just have so many suspicions--I guess that is normal. I want to get on with my life and rebuild my marriage.
Hi All, Things are going well. My H and I had our first MC session and a lot of stuff came out about the A. It was very hard to hear and put me in a funk yesterday and today for a bit. My H has been very attentive, open, accepting of anything I want of him to do or change. He has shown a lot how very sorry he is for the pain and BS he put me through. He has made a lot of changes, from his cell number, cancelled his email address, cancelled facebook, let me delete her number out of his phone. Interesting thing, the OW called me today!!! She made 3 calls and hung up and then called again and made up a story that she was a worker at the Marriott Hotel and needed some information from my H and his wife (used her name) for their upcoming stay and if he would please call back. I brought this up to my H because I am thinking there is a fatal attraction here, but he said no but he was not going to reach out to her just to ignore and let it die out. He offered to change the home phone if I wanted to. Not sure about that, I will wait and see if these phone calls persist, but he feels if she is not met with any response, she will go away.
I am really thinking we are headed in a great direction. We have had so many very honest conversations every day this week, more than I think we every have. We discovered that is one problem that we have had in our whole marriage is that we never got real and talked about everything and feelings, good or bad. We have done that everyday for the past week, with some of the conversations being very hard and painful, but we got through them and ended on a positive note and we had some really great conversations about the good things in our marriage.
Every so often I get hung up with the physical images in my mind and it makes me sick and my skin crawl. I mourn the fact that there will never be that sanctity in our marriage ever again, that the sacredness of that act of making love is tarnished and will be scarred forever, but I have talked with some friends that have been through the same thing that say it gets better.
I just can't thank everyone who gave me support and kept my head in the game enough. I hope I can be there for others the way Sandi and Puppy have been there for me. Thank you.
Is it too soon to say another divorce has been busted??? I think it has.
