It's too hard sometimes

[KiwiMan]

I am in a similar position, I can't understand my W decision to cut all ties and go her own way, without trying anything apart from her own feelings. I am sitting at home with our kids while she is out on a bender. Sorry, I am quite emotional at this time... but it still breaks my heart that she can just move on like this when its more at stake than just my feelings in this whole thing. I hope that we all get some sort of result that means we can either move on or get things back together. It seems the theme of alot of these stories is a major breakdown in communication and pent up feelings or anger that pushes the instant gratification.... I wish you all the best, and take care of yourself. Thats the hardest part is not blaming yourself... it takes 2 to tango...

[TooLateForMe]

Funny (sad?) thing is, Kiwi, I felt the same way as my W. I thought I wanted a fun, single existence. The reality is that the grass only SEEMED greener. The truth is that the grass is greener where it's tended. Unfortunately, it may take some people a lot longer to realize this than it did for me. In the mean time (and I have to remember this as well), figure out how you contributed to her feelings and make the changes to become not just a better H but a better YOU.

It sounds like canned advice but it comes from a lot of personal pain and introspection. And many of us are continually struggling to do the same.

Hope it works out for you. It's likely little true comfort, but you're not alone in your pain. Reading DR really helped alleviate much of the anxiety of helplessness. Even more so was examining the past, finding out how I helped create her feelings, accepting my part in it and making a commitment to doing something SPECIFIC about it.

[TooLateForMe]

W called, turned into casual conversation after some business about the kids. Informed her I would be picking up the bulk of my things soon (difficult enough) and was informed that my bed had already been disassembled.

I'm being removed from my home like a tumor. It's too hard when I see her casual reaction to cutting me out to pretend it's all okay with me. She catches the tone in my voice and assumes I'm mad about her touching my things. I'm watching her murder our marriage and putting a plastic smile on my face!

Can I tell her it hurts when she says those things... without it sounding whiny?

I don't feel like being this person's friend! I want to tell her I can't take this any more and want to be kept out of everything but the kids. Either way, I'm ignoring her attempts at casual conversations from now on. I get giddy just to chat with her about stuff and then she drops a boom on me.

[Coach]

The truth is that the grass is greener where it's tended.

And you don't P on it.

Cheers

[TooLateForMe]

I really want her to know that I don't think she should take this lightly. I just don't know how without coming across as same-old jerky me.

I do plan on calling her on the "pain will pass" comments where she tries to minimize my pain and especially that of our kids. I don't think it's okay to justify recklessness that way.

[TooLateForMe]

Seriously thinking about "going dark." A lot of it has to do with issues of anger I'm starting to have directed at W. But also tired of being the one reacting to her. Problem is I agreed to be with her for her medical test on the 9th.

[TooLateForMe]

Thoughts on going dark?

I was fairly distant in the R, so I can see some downsides. But we were also very close. It balanced out in a weird (unhealthy?) way.

We do talk now and it's casual, at least I try to keep it that way. I don't want to lose any progress.

Also considering an "I love you but have to set you free" letter. Tactfully worded, of course.

[TooLateForMe]

Also thinking of projecting an "I'm moving on" attitude. Not telling her directly, but suggesting...

[ClingingToHope]

Wow, there's a lot here.

Get your stuff out of there as soon as possible and don't do it in a piecemeal fashion so it looks like you are leaving things there for her to remember you by.

I did that, kind of, and that gave her the ability to stack things up for me to take when I did have to come over. That put me on the defensive right away.

I tried several things in the first two months -- including a letter right before moving into my apartment asking if she was really sure because I was about to write an $1,100 check. That's a mortgage payment.

She didn't respond.

After I moved out I started going to a marriage class and learning all the things I did wrong and I wrote her another letter. This one I didn't ask her to come back or to reconsider, I just went through all of things I realized I'd done wrong and that I finally saw her point on things.

She responded to that letter and we had our first and still only good long talk about our relationship since I moved out.

There's been no improvement since, but there's also been no talk of pushing anything else forward. I'm just in limbo.

Go as dark as possible. These last couple of weeks I've tried not to call or text her unless I absolutely had to. I don't know if it's helping yet or not, but it's helping me. When I talk or see her my resolve crumbles a bit.

Being separated or divorced when you have kids is like having a girl break up with you in high school and you see her every day because you have a class together.

The less contact the better.

[undrdg]

I totally understand what you are going through. Going dark isn't about loosing total contact with ur w its about detaching as much as possible and waiting for her to initiate contact.

That is the hardest part.

As for the grass being greener....ain't that the truth! it sucks even more when you have an enabler telling her its ok to wander cuz after all its her life.

Even tho it is her life, when kids and marriage are involved there is still more to it that just your life.

Ever play jenga?