I am doing good today. On tuesday I had lunch with my H and actually had a good conversation. I thought I was ready to really let him go. We did talk about the R a lot and at the end I was very sad to think I would let it go. The talk was good though and I told him I am still willing to honor our vows and that we would be in each others lives forever raising our kids. Anyways, we talked for almost 2 hours and then he gave me a hug when I left which made me cry and I told him I really didn't want to let him go. I left and that night he came home and we ate dinner and he poured wine as usual. I however was getting our D6 to bed and he told her she had to sleep in her own bed that night. (she has been sleeping with me for almost 3 months) I did not react and let her watch tv in my room. I then went out to have a glass of wine and he held his glass up to cheers and when I held up my glass he asked me "will you take me back?" He said he is very sorry about everything he has done and all the pain he has caused. He said the talk we had, although was somewhat of a broken record he had been hearing for several months now somehow hit him today. He found our S18 was failing all of his classes in HighSchool. Our D13 was failing 4 of her classes. He said he realized the impact this is having and he told me that while I look great now he is concerned because I have lost a lot of weight. He said he is willing to come clean with everything and that I can ask him anything and he will be totally honest. He got up and held me really tight and sat with me on the couch for 2 hours. I was very quiet but asked if he was willing to do the very hard work it will take to get this back on track and he said he was committed to us and would not let this fail. We went to bed and he held me all night, although the physical touch is hard right now because I am envisioning him with the OW.
Wed. morning we talked about the relationship and where we wanted it to go and set some small and achievable goals.
Today, we started to talk about the OW and that is very painful but he says he will be totally honest. He broke it off with her on Tues. after we talked. He said he is changing his cell phone number today and that he will not accept any calls at work. He again said today he is totally committed to working this relationship out and he did also admit that it was painful to break off the other R. That is hard to swallow, but I had read that before. He said that this was much more important though and he would get over that one fast he just wants to get back what we had. He is not putting a time limit on this talk and says he will answer anything, he just wants me to be sure of what I want to ask, because he doesn't want me to get consumed with grief and loose sight of working to get our marriage back but he will go there with me if I want. He also wants to go to counseling to get through some of this hard stuff and wants us to read the book the Love Dare together. We have already read the 5 Love Languages. He says that in the last 2 days he had seen a dramatic change in our kids. they are actually smiling and my son has a skip in his step. My H put his wedding ring back on and is glad I am wearing mine. He has told his family he is recommitting to me and our R and his sister called me today to tell me how happy she is.
With all this being said, I have gotten what I have been praying for. I am however, very scared and not too trusting. He had a turn around like this back in Feb. that lasted till July and in that time was still seeing the OW. I am very scared although he says this time it is different and he will not let this fail. I guess time will tell. I am just really having a hard time with the physical part and some of the talk about the OW.
I am cautiously optimistic though and as soon as he gives me his new cell number I will feel even better that he is really cutting the ties in CA with the OW. Do you think this is real? How do I tell? I want to dive in but I am scared. How do I get past the physical part where all I imagine is him touching her when he tries to touch me? How do I deal with that? How do we start to rebuild trust? I feel good though that I am holding my family together. I feel I have won this battle.
