SO ANGRY AT H~ advice needed

[brownidmom]

Night before last, H told me that he would need me to pick up the boys tomorrow (now yesterday) from school because he had a Dr.'s appt. Sure, no problem.

So, last night around midnight, we had a storm and S8 came into our bedroom and said he was scared and that H had never come home. I tried to call H to make sure he was ok, no answer, left a messsage.

Meanwhile, didn't sleep. S6 also woke up and got into bed with us because of storm.

FF to this morning at 6- phone rings, H says that I will need to get the boys ready for school and take them.

Me- "where are you?"
H- "In the hospital."
Me- "Are you ok? Why did they keep you?"
H- "They ran some tests overnight."

I am beyond pissed. H knew when he went yesterday that they were going to keep him overnight! I guarantee it!!!

Now- how do I handle this without overstepping DB lines?"


My thoughts- H is selfish, thinks of himself only many times. H didn't want to share his business with me, as always. BUT I left dead bolt unlocked last night like I always do when he is going to be home late because it is a pain to get into. Also, if I had heard someone trying to get into the house, I would have assumed it was H and ignored it. If I had known H wasn't coming home, I would have locked the dead bolt and kept my ears open for any noises.

I am even more incensed because I know that no matter what I say, H probably won't give 2 flying figs about it.

Please tell me the most direct and mature way to handle this.

BIM

[Coach]

BIM, The cure for anger is compassion. Why do men not like to ask for directions? Why did he not tell you about going to the hospital? He's scared, he doesn't know the answer to his health problems. It means we are getting older, weaker, can't provide as well, we are a burden, not as valuable, we aren't perfect, cause fear in our wife and kids, and it makes us feel lonely. Not excusing his behavior but trying to help you maybe see into his heart.
He wasn't thinking about the deadbolt lock, he doesn't want to be a burden. It's not emotionally healthy but it's a common "snake on a brain" for men.

[karen43]

I don't think I would do anything. In future though if he's out lock the deadbolt as you would do usually. Your family's safety should come first.

[brownidmom]

Coach, thanks for reading. But I must respectfully disagree.

H first started having health symptoms around Aug. 2008. During this time, I stayed up with him at night when he said his body felt like it was on fire. I took him to appts., to emergency room, stayed home from work with him, etc. This is the only period of time in the last 7 years that he told me he loved me.

What happened when they couldn't find anything wrong and his symptoms went away? H-"You weren't there for me when I was sick." Me- "I was there the only way I knew to be there." H-"See, even you know that you weren't there for me."

Since he has started having symptoms again and changed doctors, H won't tell me anything about how he feels. Read back through my sitch and look what happened when he had chest pains last week. He just doesn't want me to know anything that is going on in his life. Once, through all of his health issues, he said that he didn't think he was stressed enough for that to be the cause. Very well might be. Who holds a grudge like the one he is carrying around with him?!?!

[Stronger]

I think Coach is right.
And at this point, there is nothing you can do and nothing you can say. If he doesn't want to tell you, then he doesn't want to tell you.
You can be as pissed as you want....doesn't matter to your H. So best thing to do....let it go.

[Dia]

Hi, Brown,

Maybe I mis-remember, but when you first came here, didn't you say that you wanted help b/c your emotions got the better of you and you'd lose it and mess things up with your H?

Maybe here's a chance to not let the emotions run the show? One way to do that is to acknowledge how you're feeling, then let it go. We can't always control how e feel, nor should we even try in many cases. We can, however, control the *intensity* of our feelings and what we do with them.

I hear you about the door. I don't like having doors left open either even tho I live in one of those idyllic, safe small town places. For me, tho, this wouldn't be worth more than the following, said in a very casual, almost FYI manner:

"Hey - when you know you're going to be out all night, please let me know so I can lock the door."

[brownidmom]

Thing is, I don't intend to ask what tests they performed on him. In my line of work and based on his family's medical history, I'm sure they did a sleep study on him last night to check for sleep apnea and probably another MRI.

I just feel like H needs to hear how his selfishness affects other people. No?

[PainfulDusk]

I had to chime in on this one. I myself have some very serious medical problems. Even when My H and I were doing ok, I was hesitant sometimes to tell him how bad I was. Not because I didn't want him in my life! because I didnt want to worry him, esp if it turned out to be nothing. Did he get mad at me? Sure sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn't. ONe time in particular I spent 6 days in the hosp. I didnt tell him until the 2nd day i was in and realized they werent letting me out for a few more days. I just DIDNT WANT TO WORRY HIM. Was it right? no. but thats what I did. Now , its entirely possible that your H has some of that going on to. Being a burden when you are so sick is the worst, Trust me on that one. If I feel Im being a burden i just wont say anything about my health unless I simply must. Yes, even to my h , who i love and at one time trusted.

As for the deadbolt. Next time just lock it. I understand safety, Im alone in my apt most of the time, and unable to get around easily. I always lock my deadbolt. Even when Im expecting someone. If Im in another room and they knock, its not just a pain, but also painful for me to get my cane and struggle to the door. Safety first. Consider this a lesson learned and keep the door locked. Esp since you have children in the house.

Dusk

[Dia]

I just feel like H needs to hear how his selfishness affects other people. No?

IMHO, no. Not with the word selfishness in it, anyway. I doubt he would be able to hear that well, esp. if he's anxious or worried about the health stuff.

[brownidmom]

Dia~ Yes, that's me. Queen of Emotions.

I don't want to give a tongue lashing, or to rant and rave because that would be counterproductive in more than one way. I DO BELIEVE that I have to say something because I also believe his choice was irresponsible as both a parent and a spouse.

Guess that's why we're really all here anyway.