My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

Can you send that email, and detach? I mean completely?

I can leave her alone completely.

As I type this and try to think of my life without her and think about shaking OM's hand saying high to him, she or I being married to someone else, whatever it makes me hurt really bad. If that's detaching then I am not close to it.

[JayMan]

What worked for me was to face the next HOUR. Not the next week, next year, or 10 years into the future.

Plus, the energy you spend coming up with future scenarios is wasted time. Seriously, now is the time to START detaching - no one is expecting emotions to shut off, for you to not hurt, for you to not be stressed, or that there won't be moments where life just plain sucks.

Just take on the task of getting started - get through today, then start working on tomorrow.

[Stronger]

RSF...ultimately this is your decision. If you feel Coach's words are good for you then go with it, if that was your gut, that it read well and will convey your feelings....go with it.

But remember this isn't over. My H filed and served me. Just last night he said "If this girl (taps my knee) had been here all along, we'd be fine" or something to that effect.

Don't worry about what you can't control.

[aliveandkicking]

Can you send that email, and detach? I mean completely?

I can leave her alone completely.

As I type this and try to think of my life without her and think about shaking OM's hand saying high to him, she or I being married to someone else, whatever it makes me hurt really bad. If that's detaching then I am not close to it.

Does your IC help you manage this? You really do need to narrow it down to one moment, one hour, one day. The bigger picture is so difficult. It is what terrorizes me personally. You don't know what the future will be, you really don't

My son was crying once about the fact that he knows I will die one day. I told him I expect to get very old first. He said it didn't matter because knowing I will die made him sad. I told him that by the time I am that old, I will be ready and he will experience it differently (of course he looked confused). I said, think about when you were a little baby and I held you all the time, the idea that you could be away from me for hours was unthinkable. And now, here you are going to school, sleeping over at friends houses. Looking at that little baby, I couldn't even imagine either of us being ok with that separation. As you get older, life will prepare you in ways you can't envision right now. I promise that by the time I go, I will be ready and you will be much more prepared. Right now, I'm here and it does not need to be your concern. That was basically the conversation.

But, my point is that changes happen incrementally and you get through. Your future will be your creation, as things change, you will be prepared each step, for the next. I NEVER thought I could be remotely ok under the circumstances I am living and while it is still rough, I am better than ok most of the time.

Have faith that you will manage one step at a time and givien the certain unpredictable nature of life, try to recognize that your scope is limited right now.

[RedSoxFan]

RSF...ultimately this is your decision. If you feel Coach's words are good for you then go with it, if that was your gut, that it read well and will convey your feelings....go with it.

But remember this isn't over. My H filed and served me. Just last night he said "If this girl (taps my knee) had been here all along, we'd be fine" or something to that effect.

Don't worry about what you can't control.

It's not about Coach's words, its about sending email vs. being quiet. My inclination is to send a response and the content would be very similar to what he wrote for sure. But is there a better reason for doing nothing?

[RedSoxFan]

Does your IC help you manage this?

Hasn't been a problem until now

Have faith that you will manage one step at a time and givien the certain unpredictable nature of life, try to recognize that your scope is limited right now.

Thanks A&K, I know this stuff intuitively (at least comprehend it logically) but can't seem to accept it emotionally.

[aliveandkicking]

IMO, doing nothing is always a good choice because it compels the other person to really think about what they are doing and communicating. It basically keeps the ball in their court and they follow up on the facets they really need to. It sort of dilutes the issues down to the bare bones. Meaning, at some point, she will contact you specifically in regard to one issue as opposed to focusing on her general sentiment. You are out of her way and she has to own what she has initiated.

I still think either way is fine because you can get a similar result. Do what you can live with, it's not that consequential in the long run.

[aliveandkicking]

Thanks A&K, I know this stuff intuitively (at least comprehend it logically) but can't seem to accept it emotionally.

Yes, I relate. Give it time.

[Stronger]

I think I agree with A&K.

[RedSoxFan]

IMO, doing nothing is always a good choice because it compels the other person to really think about what they are doing and communicating. It basically keeps the ball in their court and they follow up on the facets they really need to. It sort of dilutes the issues down to the bare bones. Meaning, at some point, she will contact you specifically in regard to one issue as opposed to focusing on her general sentiment. You are out of her way and she has to own what she has initiated.

I still think either way is fine because you can get a similar result. Do what you can live with, it's not that consequential in the long run.

I'm still on the fence about what to do. This is my draft:

"W,

I completely understand your feelings about the communication problems, being beat up and not doing anything wrong. I really do. I also understand your view about my leaving last fall. I am so very aware of what I have done and I accept total responsibility for all of it. Given a second chance I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

If you believe that disillusion will make you happy then I accept that. I can’t stop you from divorcing me, just know that what I want is to be with you and for our marriage and our family to be together again.

RSF"

Somnething about this seems arrogant:

"If you believe that disillusion will make you happy then I accept that."

Am I accepting it or should I be letting her know I support it if its right for her?