I want my family back!

[The Wifey]

So I'm terrified for what I am about to do, but I know it needs to be done. I need to go as dark as possible (not completely because of the boys). I need him to realize that I am not his friend. I feel like I am taking such a risk here.

Much of DB is counter-intuitive. You are not taking a risk. If I had a dollar for every person that managed to pull back, go dark/dim, detach and then garnered renewed attention from their WA I would be rolling in the money.

Trust us. Step out on faith. You CAN do this.

[Calliope]

Thanks everyone. I WILL DO THIS

He has the boys later today. He'll probably ask if we can get together satuday to go over divorce stuff. I had originally been somewhat open to this, but realize now that I should not be. He has the boys part of the day sat and asked if my parents could watch the boys so we could talk. Should I just tell him I have plans? (if I do, he'll ask for another day) or should I tell him that I don't want to discuss the divorce with him, and my lawyer will be in touch?

I wrote a long "i am not your friend" email, but of course never sent it (I probably have 20 emails to him in my draft folder!)

I'll post an update tonight.

[JayMan]

Draft folders are amazing for venting, and then not sending. I have, I think about 5 in mine right now.

[Stronger]

I think you need to tell him you will let your lawyer do the talking for now. And if he gets all up in arms about it, you stay calm. You explain, I did not put this in motion. I understand and respect your reasons for why you did but now that's it's started, I feel more comfortable doing this through the lawyers. I understand your hope that we be friends....but for me, this is an all or nothing deal. We aren't going to be best buddies after this. We'll be good co-parents, but I won't be comfortable with this great friendship you seem to envision. I know me, and I can't do that. Not now, maybe in the future. You are doing what's right for you. I respect that. Please respect I have to do the same for me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you need to tell him you will let your lawyer do the talking for now. And if he gets all up in arms about it, you stay calm. You explain, I did not put this in motion. I understand and respect your reasons for why you did but now that's it's started, I feel more comfortable doing this through the lawyers. I understand your hope that we be friends....but for me, this is an all or nothing deal. We aren't going to be best buddies after this. We'll be good co-parents, but I won't be comfortable with this great friendship you seem to envision. I know me, and I can't do that. Not now, maybe in the future. You are doing what's right for you. I respect that. Please respect I have to do the same for me.

Perfect.

When one partner is a marriage is wayward, there's really only two things they want "To Talk" about. One is the marital relationship, and two is legal stuff. I usually advocate saying "There's no relationship to talk about, so long as one of us is having an affair" to the first one, and "I think that would be best left for the attorneys to handle" to the second one.

btw, BOTH will make his head spin around, so be prepared.

Puppy

[Calliope]

Baby steps.... He just called. He's on his way to get the boys at daycare. I could tell that he wanted to chat, but after I told him what I needed to about the boys, I said 'ok, see you later'.

I keep wondering when he's going to change back to his 'alter-ego' (I actually refer to him with 2 different names when I'm talking to my friends) So far he's still the normal version of himself. He used to text me after he got them just to tell me his status, now he calls instead when he's on his way.. I also have to keep reminding myself what he is doing to me, because he is so 'nice' on the phone (and in person) all of the time now.

Tonight is my big test.. he usually tries to talk divorce/house stuff when I get home at night and he's getting the boys ready for bed.

[Stronger]

He may change back. He may not.
Be prepared for both.
But no more talk about the D. Let your lawyers do it.

And remember, you are in Florida. I'm all up on these laws. If he files, you have various options, per the court. You can ask for court ordered counseling as it's in the best interest of the kids. You can do what I've done, ask for an extension not to exceed three months for the reason of seeing if you two can reconcile. You can also ask the court for a recommendation as to what should be done to reconcile, but that's iffy.

When your H files the marriage is irr. broken, you deny it and ask for what you want, to see if you can reconcile. Oh, and ask for lawyers fees too.

[Calliope]

Unfortunately he already filed in June, and I'm in CT

I already answered as well (when we thought we were doing mediation). I'm going to see my atty tomorrow to decide what to do next.

[Calliope]

OK, I have no backbone. I got home and he was getting the boys ready for bed. He hinted around that he had to leave so he could get some sleep (he works 3rd shift). So I jumped at it and said "Say goodnight to daddy boys, he has to go" He said "So we're still good to do this? (meaning talk this weekend)" and I said "I'm not sure, we'll see".. he seemed confused and said "But we talked about this, and you were ok and then lately you've been wierd" I just kept brushing him off and tending to the boys.. and finally he said something like "Well please let me know soon, I told you that I was getting rid of the lawyer so I need to know".. I said "you said you were getting rid of him regardless, and that you may get another".. and he said "I am, but I'd like to know whats going on". So anyway, I kept brushing him off. He left, but kept giving me the "what's going on with you?" looks.

I need to just come out and tell him that we are not 'doing this together'. But I'm such a coward. In my defense, I never want to have any talks like this around the kids, and can't when I'm at work, and lately thats the only time we talk. (besides email)

Maybe he'll call tomorrow (oh yeah, his birthday!)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You need to just do it. Avoiding it is only going to make it worse.

Puppy