There is a part toward the end when Rhett tells Scarlett their marriage is over. She allows herself to be devastated for a moment. Then she has an epiphany:
"He doesn't know that I love him. I'll TELL him I love him, and it will be okay" (I paraphrase )
So she runs through the fog--literally--back home to tell him. She honestly thinks it will change everything.
Then when he rejects her again, she tells herself "I can't think about that right now or I'll go mad. I'll think about that tomorrow."
Been pondering my role in all of this, years down the road. I think for the past almost 3 years I have been living in the Land of Magical Thinking.
I kept (keep?) thinking that if I say this, if I do this, then such-and-such will happen. And I have not ever allowed myself to follow the D road to the full end.
Sure I have said I will be okay. I have said that I know another man will love me if/when I choose to put myself out there again. I have told myself a lot of things. But it has pretty much been a house of cards. Behind everything was my gut conviction that we would NEVER really get divorced. How could we? I love him and he loves me, that means it will always come back...
This morning I found myself fighting the urge to send an email. Anything small that would result in his sending a reply. One that would give me that microscopic grain of hope to hold on to.
And I realized that is how it has been this whole time. We try (use that term loosely), he backs off. I manipulate (yes, it is a form of manipulation)until I hear something I want to hear. Like, "I don't want a divorce" or "I still love you" or "this isn't what I want" or "maybe someday".
I didn't contact him today. I fought the urge because even if I got the result I was fishing for, it would still get me right back where I have been. Limbo land. Can't live there anymore.
So I think maybe I need a counselor to help me battle the Magical Thinking and denial. It has been my safety net so I don't go mad, as Scarlet would say. But it hasn't helped me and has actually left me kind of paralyzed.
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