In Limbo

[d1adsl5a]

Yesterday had to be one of the most painful days of my life...The wife and I were sitting on the couch around 9pm last night actually having a friendly discussion. She started talking about how happy she is about her job and that things are going well. I just listened and agreed. We started talking a bit about retrouville and the upcoming weekend. I mentioned one of the things they focus on is trying to put the past behind you and moving forward. She agreed that she wants to see if she can do that then all of a sudden:

-When I cancelled the cleaning lady, you mentioned that the toilets were full of mold one day
-Your changes make me sick. Too little too late. Why didn't you do this 16 years ago
-I'm past us.
-I want to be alone with my boys without you
-When you touched my arm this morning, I got anxious.
-I can't even touch you
-I can forgive, but not forget

That continued with her going through several of the things I have done over the past nineteen years. I wasn't this bad of a guy...

Of couse, we find out that our kids were listening in. They cried for the next hour about us getting a divorce. With my wife and I telling them we love them. My wife telling them we aren't getting a divorce.

I should have walked away. I thought we could discuss things as adults about our R and Retrouville. We have been getting along so well last couple days. Obviously, it has been all an act.

It was just horrible seeing the pain in my 3 sons eyes last night. They don't deserve this.

[The Wifey]

Yesterday had to be one of the most painful days of my life...The wife and I were sitting on the couch around 9pm last night actually having a friendly discussion. She started talking about how happy she is about her job and that things are going well. I just listened and agreed. We started talking a bit about retrouville and the upcoming weekend. I mentioned one of the things they focus on is trying to put the past behind you and moving forward. She agreed that she wants to see if she can do that then all of a sudden:

-When I cancelled the cleaning lady, you mentioned that the toilets were full of mold one day
-Your changes make me sick. Too little too late. Why didn't you do this 16 years ago
-I'm past us.
-I want to be alone with my boys without you
-When you touched my arm this morning, I got anxious.
-I can't even touch you
-I can forgive, but not forget

That continued with her going through several of the things I have done over the past nineteen years. I wasn't this bad of a guy...

Let her vent. Let her get it all out. Learn to listen and respond, not react. There is a difference. If you have a chance to move forward everything has to come out - good and bad.

Of couse, we find out that our kids were listening in. They cried for the next hour about us getting a divorce. With my wife and I telling them we love them. My wife telling them we aren't getting a divorce.

I should have walked away. I thought we could discuss things as adults about our R and Retrouville. We have been getting along so well last couple days. Obviously, it has been all an act.

It was just horrible seeing the pain in my 3 sons eyes last night. They don't deserve this.

It hasn't been an act. She is conflicted. No one wants to hurt their kids no matter how upset they are with their spouse, your wife included.

Learn to stop conversations when they get past your comfort point. Say you want to continue the conversation, but that you need to take a break to compose yourself. Set a time to come back to it.

Take a breath. All of this is painful for her as it is for you. You have time. Nothing fixes itself over night. And hidden feelings will only fester and come back stronger and more painful.

[neversaydie63]

Hey D1,

Sorry about that (especially for the kids -- that is really hard!)

It is funny (not funny, ha, ha, but funny strange) but my W does the exact same thing.

We will be having a good conversation and happy and laughing and then all of the sudden, she will start dredging up things from the past and how terrible I was to her. The last time she did that, a week or 2 ago, I just sat back and listened, nodded my head but did not defend myself or engage her, I just listen and smiled. Eventually she had to put down her gun since I wasn’t going to fight her.

She has even brought up things 20 years ago like "you smashed cake in my face at our wedding" --- WTF --- she smashed back and we all laughed at it. It almost seems like she is trying to make stuff into a problem when it was never a problem at the time and in fact, many times, we both laughed at it --- maybe this is a way for her (your W too) to justify why she left our marriage, a kind of justification in their own minds as to why they are acting why they are acting.

NSD


dont

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Wifey/NSD:

The W actually brought up when she was pregnant 9 years ago when I didn't pick up my clothes. She brought up the one time I said the toilet had mold growing inside it. To give you some insight, my wife was a stay at home mom and we had a cleaning lady. She cancelled the cleaning lady after about 8 years and started cleaning on her own. Look, I am a guy, I don't care that much. But after 3 weeks, I made a wise crack..That was 3 years ago. Then it was I worked too hard(I was home by 6:45) at the latest. The laundry list goes on. She says that she forgives me. This simply started out with us discussing as adults what Retrouville is about.

But she can't forget....It is 5 months. I understand this takes time. I just can't do this forever. I am not going to be on this site in two years hoping for a turnaround.

She says today, that when I touch her, she gets anxiety. She acknowleges all my changes and said that is great. Why didn't you do that 16 years ago. Whenever she thinks about trying with me, she shakes, can't breathe, etc....

For the record, I still don't think I was this monster she makes me out to be. I do hope retrouville helps this. I am not as strong as I thought I would be through this. I see the pain in my kids eyes, which makes me stay. My W has no clue nor does she care how much she has hurt me. Not even sure if she really feels our son's pain...I hate to say it, but it does look like I am banking on Retrouville to turn this around. If it doesn't, I don't think she ever will be able to be with me again.

[forward]

D1, I mentioned in another thread that I couldn't help but wonder if something might have happened to her ? The reaction to your touch seems extreme.

[forward]

Five months is not very long, I am sorry tosay.

I can tell you that you will feel much better when you begin to GAL.

The other thing that helps is to not take her behavior personally. I have noticed that MLCers do eventually wake up--usually YEARS later. And they often apologize.

Just assume she is having issues and try not to let it hurt you. It is about her, not you.

[forward]

And by the way, while I do feel that way now, I can tell you that everyone here does understand your hurt and pain.