1) Try to get out of serious mode. This is serious business, but it gets old and is no fun if you only talk about the relationship. Go for it a bit. You initiate some hugs (or even more)when you see her. This is your wife. It isn't a stranger or the first date. Put yourself out there a bit. Get natural with her. I know this part is awkward, but it helps if you try to move things to a more natural phase. My wife stayed at the house ONE night, and it was amazing how quickly the awkwardness left. She never left after that point. If you have to keep seeing her for all these awkward little talk sessions I doubt it will be all that exciting for her. Just give things a go. Have her over....and soon while she's still looking positively at things.
What about OM? She said that she knows he needs to go, but hasn't said he is gone. Do I keep strict boundaries or let them slide? It's hard to be natural with your W when you have unatural boundaries in place.
Don't mention the OM and setting that boundary until the marriage counselling session, I would set it there and tell her that for you to go forward with any of this, she will need to end it, you can set your boundary there, until then, leave as is. After that first session and the response you get, you will know whether there will be additional sessions after that worth going to and remember, have her invest in the marriage counselling sessions, it is more that OK to ask her to pay for them. The idea is for her to invest in them, we value things more if we invest in them. We invest in our children: time, energy, money, etc and we love & value them above everything else. How about the next door neighbor and his passion for restoring some old vintage car to something that is worthy of car show status: he invests time, energy, money, etc. He loves & values that car, you know he does.
Human nature dictates that we love & value things that we invest alot of time, energy & resources into.
Allow her to invest in the marriage counselling, if it's important to her, it won't be an issue for her to pay for them and it shows you that she is going to invest in this process. At the mc session, set the boundary of cutting off ties with the OM, if it's important to her, that too will be part of her investing in the process of reconciliation.
Until then, no need to set boundaries about the OM, you aren't living with her, you really can't enforce anything.
