When you're in a board meeting, and the conversation on a topic just keeps getting debated without an end in sight, you can "ask the question" - this basically means stop the back-and-forth, and make a decision.
I think Coach's sample email is just that.
Then, focus on what you can control. You are reaping what you sowed, and there is a very real possibility the harvest may be the loss of your wife. I apologize for the bluntness, but it is the reality of the situation.
I can PROMISE you from personal experience, that continuing the conversations is a prescription to end the marriage for sure.
Find something to do! Pick up a new hobby.
Start putting attention you would normally put on W on your kids. I don't know what they like, but rediscover playing in the dirt. Go to the arcade. Randomly drive off and go fishing.
Invest yourself into a soup kitchen, or helping out with Habitat for Humanity. Catch up on projects around the house. Start riding dirt bikes. Find something and go do something good, start feeling better about yourself!
Redsox, I believe she means whatever you are going to be in the future (friends, co-parents, something.) She is telling you she wants to proceed with the D or Separation papers.
I'm so sorry.
No need to rush to respond. If you give any response right now it will be emotionally driven. If she pushes then you are "thinking" right now.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
RSF--say nothing. Do nothing. Ignore it. If she brings it up you simply say, I'm still thinking about things and to be honest, I'm just not there yet. Still have lots of things jumbled up in my head and I do need some time to work it all out. Thanks for understanding.
Push it back and put it off.
Stronger, I don't want her to keep feeling like what she says doesn't matter or doesn't get heard. I guess I've lost her but I still want her to know that I care and that I love her and that I think she's a good person.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Words mean little. Show her with actions. Ever heard the old adage, "Actions speak louder than words?"
Agreed, but I have to decide to respond or not. Coach's email is almost word-for-word what I think I should say but I've haven't done a very good job 'thinking' since this started
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
My early admonition not to do anything was because I thought you were going to follow up your email with another email.
Since W responded, I think it would be fair to acknowledge that, and Coach's email nicely rounds out the situation, and puts some finality to it. As he said, it validates, it affirms, it recognizes your part in what you played, however, it basically "let's go".
Can you send that email, and detach? I mean completely?
Pleas be honest with me. I feel like a lot of my posts are just offensive to people here. I feel like I'm either:
A) stupid and don't get it B) an a$$hole and shouldn't be in a relationship anyway C) clueless for coming to a site where people have been hurt after I screwed someone over D) all of the above
I really do love my wife and I just want to make things right.
LOTS of us here are in the exact same position you are, so don't let this stuff get to you.
We are all here because we want/ed to save our marriages. We are all human and therefore flawed. We have all done things, even the best of us, that hurt our marriages. At some point, the details cease to matter, you know?
I hear you, and I had some trepidation when I got here, too. What would people think? A WAW waltzes in after having had an A and thinks her H will roll over and welcome her back with open arms? I thought every LBS here would be ready to hang me from the rafters.
Nobody did. Not one.
Forgive me for speaking for the board, but we want YOU to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted in whatever way your sitch works out for you. If it's with your W, we'll be delighted for you as long as it's a healthy situation. If it's not with your W, we'll commiserate, but we'll still be happy to see you whole and healthy on your own.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
"Wife, I understand how you feel about our communication problems, that you feel beat-up, and that you feel you haven't done anything wrong. I also understand very clearly that you believe I left you, our marriage and family last fall. I accept total responsiblity for that and I am both sorry and aware of what I have done to you and our family. Given a second chance I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you. If you believe that divorce will make you happy then I accept that. I cannot stop you from divorcing me but know that I want you, my marriage and my family back."
Reasons to go with Coach's advice-
a) he's always right. b) you clearly need to express yourself or you're going to scr*w up in some other way c) it says pretty much the only things I would want to hear if it were me
It is pursuing but sometimes you've got to take actions that match where you truly are.
I see you as a bit stunned, traumatized. You are not stupid or an a**hole, you are grasping for something monumentally important to you. We all relate. Some of us have had longer to process this or move faster through it but we all went through it at some point. I still get pangs every time the D comes up with H.
Divorce sucks, it is hard. You are being advised to stop expending all of your energy on resisting and put your energy into evolving so you are happier, more stable, capable of handling the impending stress AND ultimately a better prospect for your W or potentially other women down the line.
There is no "right" way because the odds are that it is going to end. That is the brutal reality. So, you can stop torturing yourself and just do the best you can. Does that make sense? You are not going to mess this up. Worst case scenario is D no matter what so if you can spare yourself beating your head against a wall and start now pulling yourself together, you're doing the best you can.
