My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[billclay18]

I would simply ask her to forward the paperwork when she has a chance to. That's it. There's nothing to debate, nothing to discuss, she's made herself perfectly clear. Let her go...just as she let you go. Anything more and you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.

You never answered my earlier question...what's the longest you've gone without contact with your W since you returned (excluding kid related contact)?

[tristan]

I would simply ask her to forward the paperwork when she has a chance to. That's it. There's nothing to debate, nothing to discuss, she's made herself perfectly clear. Let her go...just as she let you go. Anything more and you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.

I agree.

[RedSoxFan]

RSF,

I have given some thought and consideration what to you have said and I do not agree. I have spent a lot of time talking to you about my feelings and beliefs about our relationship. I have spent hours going over and over the same thing. I have been honest and direct and have walked away from conversations feeling like we had an understanding only to find that you came away with a different conclusion. I don't know how to be more honest or direct..

I get very confused between being compassionate and DBing. I have tried to put some of the advice to work which at times has meant my ignoring stuff she's said. Of course I get where she is and how she feels. I haven't expressed that to her though.

Also she has shared her feeling and threatened to move forward with the Disillusion but nothing has materialized so far. Is that my fault? What should I have been doing? I don't want to end our marriage. How do I BD here?

I am tired and feel beat up by all of this. I understand this has been hard for you...I really do understand that. Having said that, it's not right the way things have happened. I haven't done anything wrong. You left me and you left this marriage in October. That's how I have operated and what I believe. I didn't want any of this but I am a survivor and have pulled myself together and moved forward with my life.

This just tears me to pieces every time I read it. It's all true. I'm not sure how I screwed this ups so bad but I don't think the goal is to make her feel bad when it's my fault. That may work with WAW but not when it's your fault. I know its my fault and I love her so much. I'm just caught between that and wanting her back so desperately.

The distress and unhappiness that you have seen over the past month or two is because I'm being forced to be something I'm not. I'm living a dual life, one married and one single. I'm living incongruent to my beliefs and it is causing me a great deal of unhappiness and distress. I cannot continue on this path. It's not right for me or for you. You are right when you said on the phone that it needs to end. It does. It can't continue on like this. It is ruining any possibility of us being friends and being the best parents possible.

None of us have been forced to do anything. This is the one part where I feel I keep getting beat up. She can divorce me any time. Why is it my fault that she has bluffed several times and not gone forward. Obviously I don't want it to happen. I don't want her to hurt either. Again, I'm really just trying to figure out the DBing thing. From some advice I get the feeling that I'm trying to play a game with very calculated steps. In other cases I feel like I'm getting called out because those steps are not compassionate or validating of her feelings. Does anyone else struggle with this or is it just me?

I will get the paperwork from the attorney and either give it to you in person or mail it. You will need to review the paperwork and make comments/suggestions/concerns about the content. I mentioned before that I did not have all the information so what she did is use a standard dissolution format and put in the information that i did have into the document. If you want to hire an attorney for yourself that's fine. You can also discuss with her. There is no additional fees for the document to be edited.

What about all the details? Do I let those go for now. I get so scared when I think that I could be relegated to an every-other-weekend father. I still want to be a husband and a father

I hope that we can move on to the next stage of things in a respectful manner. We are parents and are going to have to have some type of relationship in order to parent effectively. I want to be on good terms with you and want you to move forward and be happy.

W

What does she mean by the next stage of things?

[RedSoxFan]

You never answered my earlier question...what's the longest you've gone without contact with your W since you returned (excluding kid related contact)?

I haven't tracked. Several days but it hasn't exceeded a week for sure.

[billclay18]

RSF,

I have given some thought and consideration what to you have said and I do not agree. I have spent a lot of time talking to you about my feelings and beliefs about our relationship. I have spent hours going over and over the same thing. I have been honest and direct and have walked away from conversations feeling like we had an understanding only to find that you came away with a different conclusion. I don't know how to be more honest or direct..

I get very confused between being compassionate and DBing. I have tried to put some of the advice to work which at times has meant my ignoring stuff she's said. Of course I get where she is and how she feels. I haven't expressed that to her though.

Also she has shared her feeling and threatened to move forward with the Disillusion but nothing has materialized so far. Is that my fault? What should I have been doing? I don't want to end our marriage. How do I BD here?

You DB by leaving her alone.

I am tired and feel beat up by all of this. I understand this has been hard for you...I really do understand that. Having said that, it's not right the way things have happened. I haven't done anything wrong. You left me and you left this marriage in October. That's how I have operated and what I believe. I didn't want any of this but I am a survivor and have pulled myself together and moved forward with my life.

This just tears me to pieces every time I read it. It's all true. I'm not sure how I screwed this ups so bad but I don't think the goal is to make her feel bad when it's my fault. That may work with WAW but not when it's your fault. I know its my fault and I love her so much. I'm just caught between that and wanting her back so desperately.

Love her enough to let her go.

I will get the paperwork from the attorney and either give it to you in person or mail it. You will need to review the paperwork and make comments/suggestions/concerns about the content. I mentioned before that I did not have all the information so what she did is use a standard dissolution format and put in the information that i did have into the document. If you want to hire an attorney for yourself that's fine. You can also discuss with her. There is no additional fees for the document to be edited.

What about all the details? Do I let those go for now. I get so scared when I think that I could be relegated to an every-other-weekend father. I still want to be a husband and a father

Details...yes let them go for now. You are not in any condition right now to sit down calmly with her and work them out...so don't. Let her write up the paperwork however she wants, nothing's written in stone. As far as being an every-other-weekend-father, if that's not what you want, don't settle for that. I didn't. My exW and I have 50/50 shared custody.

I hope that we can move on to the next stage of things in a respectful manner. We are parents and are going to have to have some type of relationship in order to parent effectively. I want to be on good terms with you and want you to move forward and be happy.

W

What does she mean by the next stage of things?

Please tell me this wasn't a serious question...

[RedSoxFan]

What does she mean by the next stage of things?

Please tell me this wasn't a serious question...

That was a very serious question. Move on to the next stage is very different to me than move on with our lives.

[billclay18]

You never answered my earlier question...what's the longest you've gone without contact with your W since you returned (excluding kid related contact)?

I haven't tracked. Several days but it hasn't exceeded a week for sure.

Not much chance for her to miss you, clear her head, re-assess anything, huh?

[Stronger]

RSF--say nothing. Do nothing. Ignore it. If she brings it up you simply say, I'm still thinking about things and to be honest, I'm just not there yet. Still have lots of things jumbled up in my head and I do need some time to work it all out. Thanks for understanding.

Push it back and put it off.

[RedSoxFan]

All,

Pleas be honest with me. I feel like a lot of my posts are just offensive to people here. I feel like I'm either:

A) stupid and don't get it
B) an a$$hole and shouldn't be in a relationship anyway
C) clueless for coming to a site where people have been hurt after I screwed someone over
D) all of the above

I really do love my wife and I just want to make things right.

[Coach]

I think you do need to respond.

"Wife, I understand how you feel about our communication problems, that you feel beat-up, and that you feel you haven't done anything wrong. I also understand very clearly that you believe I left you, our marriage and family last fall. I accept total responsiblity for that and I am both sorry and aware of what I have done to you and our family. Given a second chance I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
If you believe that divorce will make you happy then I accept that. I cannot stop you from divorcing me but know that I want you, my marriage and my family back."

Yes, it's pursuing and a R talk. You validate her, you apologise, you accept responsiblity, and you make it clear of your position. Once you say it don't bring it up again. No more e-mails, calls ,txts. Your actions will do your talking from now on.

Make sure you understand her frustrations, issues and beliefs. You dug a hole now stop digging. What did she tell you she wanted that is good for you?