So as I have been working so hard to save the marriage; I really haven't taken time to reflect on its state. Yesterday, with W seriously discussing the possibility of getting back together, I took time to do that. I look around at the mess that use to be our marriage and wonder "Where the he!! do we start? We have done so much damage."
I am not discouraged. I know I want us to work. But currently am not sure how to get from where we are now to where we say we want to be emotionally, spiritually, logistically, etc. This is going to take time.
I think the dialogue went in the right direction, you led, she asked questions, you provided input, you weren't pursuing her, it seemed more or less based on your description of the dialogue that she is starting to pursue you again. Even when you told her to give you time after she asked for a hug and she started to cry, it's that push/pull dynamic that's in effect, you hugging her lightly, telling her to give you more time, so you slightly pushing her away as she is pulling you towards you and her crying showing that she thinks it's possible that you're moving in the opposite direction away from the marriage. It's going the right way, you can't make any of this too easy on her, I know you want to, I know we want to fix everything right now and just move forward but the process takes time plus the time itself helps to rebuild that trust, and she has trust to rebuild with you, with consistent actions, she has to show that she wants this.
You're doing good Tristan, really good. I'm not forecasting the future and giving you any false sense of hope but things do seem to be moving in the right direction, regardless of any setbacks that may occur along the way, you need to maintain this attitude that you currently have, your wife reads it, feels it, it's what is prompting her actions. Despite her previous comments about not liking what you had become (I think she mentioned mad or colder or something to that effect) and acting differently, let's be honest, it was those differences that prompted her to see that Tristan probably wasn't going to hang out and live in limbo forever. You started respecting yourself and demanding respect for yourself (directly & indirectly) and it's that verbal & body language that makes people stand up & take notice. You are doing great so far and I know it hasn't been easy: discussing this on a forum with strangers, getting conflicting views & opinions on what you should & shouldn't be doing but through it all, you took the best points of what felt comfortable with you & what you were able to do and you are seeing positive results because of this. You will probably notice, just as I have during this process that db'ing isn't just a one time thing, it's going to be part of your life now, a continuous process of personal development. I'm not saying you can't be comfortable and relax but I know you can't be lazy, you will have to monitor your relationship, your role in it, your wife's role in it, until it becomes habitual and you don't have to think about it to do it. Being lazy and thinking everything is ok as is and that every other marriage has problems so we're ok isn't going to cut it anymore. It sounds like work but it isn't, I would call it investing in your marriage as opposed to work, when you see it as an investment, you see that it has value, that's the right mindset to have, you know you have value now, you know what to expect from your spouse and when you set that bar high, they will expect just as much from you, and if you love each other, you'll keep that "mutual admiration society" going and continue to do things that make each other feel great and when your partner slacks a bit, you know you can be honest enough to say it and what you want because you respect yourself enough to ask for what you want and to be honest about it instead of being silent and just assuming things are ok.
