I did get the email - thanks! Haven't had a chance to respond yet.
I was okay yesterday. It did end up being just a day. I just can't believe it had been that long. I am hoping that eventually I won't remember that red letter date but it could take awhile.
I have often wondered if H would do the same for me - stick around if I was acting this way and I really don't know. This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done and I don't think I could go through a round two later on down the road.
You know, 6 months may be a long time when you sit and think about what will happen 6 months from now, but if you look back?
It's not that long....
So question for ya.....
If I asked you to walk across the United States, you would probably think about the trip.....Right ?
Tell me to go and.......
But if you took one step at a time, and thought about each step instead of the journey as a whole, soon you would be well on your way....
At the end of the trip, you would look back and say....That wasn't so bad...
One step at a time TF, One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and there are times when it is one minute at a time.....
Today is NOT the day I quit...Tomorrow isn't either, but I'll decide that tomorrow....
Then start over tomorrow...
Funny that my bomb date falls on the Birthday of a very dear friend of mine....Didn't know him two years ago, but he has become my mentor through this.....
That was the day my eyes were opened, so essentially, that is my Birthdate now too....
You're right . . . step by step. I don't know why I feel so much more down today. Just having a pity party I guess. I DO have the strength and stubborness to stick this out, at least for today and probably tomorrow as well as you say. I don't know . . . given the choice of walking across the country and this . . . walking that distance seems a heck of a lot easier.
I also just had to chase my escape artist dog around the neighborhood AGAIN and every time she does that I swear it will be the last time I go get her . . . yet I still go. Every time. I guess I am not willing to give up on her either.
Wow, I sure had a bad last few days personally. Nothing has changed or is different in my situation, I guess just the loneliness of living with someone in MLC had just taken its toll and I am just tired. I really just miss my H. And the uncertainty of if he will ever come out of it/if he will be "back" has gotten to me. I have spent the weekend trying to shake it off.
YET, when my H has been home (he had a lot of work related stuff this weekend so not home too much) I am seeing more glimpses of my "old" H and what could be considered baby steps. So why doesn't that make me feel better?
Okay, gotta go figure out how to get myself out of the dumps. I miss the happier/calmer/more positive "new" me!
YET, when my H has been home (he had a lot of work related stuff this weekend so not home too much) I am seeing more glimpses of my "old" H and what could be considered baby steps. So why doesn't that make me feel better?
Because...
MLC is unpredictable...
MLC has no guarantees...
MLC is out of control...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Because through all of this, you have developed an understanding of what MLC really is, and you know that there is a lot more path to walk....For BOTH of you..
That is why it is important to focus on what YOU know and what you do.....
If you put clothes in the Washing Machine, Do you stand there and watch it to make sure it spins ?
I would say no....
So leave the Maytag repairman alone and let him spin...
It is emotionally draining. AND oh so lonely. I can relate. You see them at home, and wonder why doesn't he just throw his arms around you and tell you it's all gonna be OK. That he's finally realized what he has done, and he will do anything to make it up to you. I keep hoping one day I'll find him kneeling by my bed when I awake with tears in his eyes....
Don't forget where your focus needs to be! Your good... Your strong!
Thanks for your responses. I spent some time today ruminating. I feel much better now.
Cat, that unpredictability is awful. But it is what it is I guess.
Mach, I think you were absolutely right - I know that the road ahead is still so long, the more I have learned about MLC. I kinda laugh now thinking about some things that looked like "baby steps" 2-3 months ago and thought maybe things were looking up and yet here we are. Wherever that is. I do find it harder to keep my expectations at 0 when the good stuff happens.
MJ, the loneliness can be exhausting. I do miss the H that would be the one to say everything would be okay and would do his best to make sure it was. Maybe someday again . . .
I am spending too much time focusing on him lately. I am trying to think of something great to do for me this week. Hmmmmm.
I think you touched on something that probably the women feel a bit more than then men. We do want them to tell us it will all be ok. Isn't that what men are supposed to do? Fix things and make it better?
As women of this generation, we want to believe that we don't NEED men like women in the past did. We have our legal rights, to vote, own property, etc... Almost equal pay, and we see women all over the place living single lives and thriving.
But, I do believe that we still have that underlying desire to be taken care of. To be able to expect our H's to do that. Be strong, be the head of the house. It hurts and is scary when that goes away. For me it was...
Sorry to my male friends for that little look into the thoughts of a woman...You guys are still all wonderful.
Anyway, TF, yes lots of us have lost our focus lately. I think we get to a good place and it is easy to let it slip just a bit.
Mach says habits are harder to break than addictions and I know he is right.
So go easy on yourself, mind yourself, and take the next forward step.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
