Hoping WAW will someday see through the fog....

[tristan]

Thank you Sandi & Greek. This is stuff I need to keep reading over and over again. It needs to be pounded into my head daily.

It's like having the playbook for the other team.

[shellshockedga]

Well, today was another banner day. LOL at least I can add some humour. Met the L first thing to learn what the process was and what my options were. He came back with the same Alimony and Child support numbers I did, so felt better about the situation. Although its not good, should she pull the trigger, it wont be the end of the world. Very comforting.

As previously mentioned, wife is going to rent a place for herself and I guess, If I am not traveling for work - someplace I may stay if needed. Don't like it, but, if she chooses to spend her own money there, then so be it. I told her I will not sign the lease or any of the utilities. Its a small moral victory, because she can still get them done, but at least I have not aided and abetted her. I have found other options for me if we go down this "birds nest custody path," such as scheduling all my work travel during those periods. Not yet happy with that possible solution. All above comments from Greek, Sandi, Coach, Tristan noted and agreed with. Should anyone want to read up on it, that is what it is called and you can Google it on the web.

Because of the Apartment gig, I told her that we should go ahead and put the house and our vacation rental home on the market. I had my realtor give me all the info on the rental house and then told the Wacky WAW (or WWAW) that we needed to list the house. Suddenly, panic crossed her face and for the first time in 12 weeks, I had control. She asked that I give her a month to do this aprtment gig and see if this was really what she wanted. I told her I wasn't sure if that was going to work for me. That I would get back to her on it. Shock across her face again. I finally shocked her by taking control - But not in a mean way. Now to keep this, GAL, add new clothes that fit my slimmer body (20lbs lost since the bomb), bought the new colgne and to make myself scarce.

Now the concept of not putting the house on the market actually works for me if and only if she agrees that there no divorce filing during this period. Perhaps she will cool down a bit and miss me. Who knows..... Will need to have that discussion. She wanted to talk about it later tonight. I said no thank you.

Of course in this roller coaster world, tomorrow is sure to present a brand new challenge in this area.....

I found myself having this extremely unattached (detachment) feeling again today as I moved throughout my workday. Even considered heading to FL by myself for a few days (but realized it would cost too much at the last minute.) I am still mostly worried about the two boys, but I know what ever happens with me and the WWAW - I will still be their Dad. I will still be there for their graduations, I will still be there for their weddings, and still be there when they need help. This is a huge step.


I am sure I made more mistakes again in the process, but feel that today was a better day all-in-all. I am letting go, letting her find her way, and will slowly, but surely take back control of this family (at least for me and the boys)

[givingitmyall]

I had my realtor give me all the info on the rental house and then told the Wacky WAW (or WWAW) that we needed to list the house. Suddenly, panic crossed her face and for the first time in 12 weeks, I had control. She asked that I give her a month to do this aprtment gig and see if this was really what she wanted. I told her I wasn't sure if that was going to work for me. That I would get back to her on it. Shock across her face again. I finally shocked her by taking control - But not in a mean way.

Good. This is a big step.

Now to keep this, GAL, add new clothes that fit my slimmer body (20lbs lost since the bomb), bought the new colgne and to make myself scarce.

Sound like me now. This is also a big step, and needed.

I found myself having this extremely unattached (detachment) feeling again today as I moved throughout my workday.

Good deal again. Keep working at it. You will still be up and down. And that's ok.

[KiwiMan]

Well done Shellshock!

I am only 2 weeks into my ordeal, WAW... and I had a really good day yesterday, went out with some friends, then dinner. I have been working out also.

I guess the whole situation with this WAW syndrome is one day at a time.. and the big detachment thing which is the hardest part. (Trying to act like its not effecting you). And you are 100% right, I have felt really good over the last few days when she has to make first contact for any matters. It must have her wondering too.

Take care, I hope all of us here get the breakthroughs we are looking for.

[mishka422]

Good job SSGA. It seems the discussions with the L brought you some clarity. What did he think of the 'birdsnest' idea? Is it really called that? Why would people do that? It just seems completely insane and detrimental to any kind of real detachment which is necessary to move forward.

[shellshockedga]

Mishka, it is indeed called "Bird's Nest." The concept is that it is better for the children to stay in the house they know and let the parents rotate in and out. From what I read, it seems that this can be the case in the short run < 1 year. But after that it is best for all parties to move on to their own places and let the children adjust. In today's housing market, when folks do get divorced this can be an option as the time to sell a house is so long.

The L was not 100% for it, although he had seen it issued in our state by a judge as a custody arrangement. His only thought was to get the rules in writing so that each party know what they must live by - such as no third parties ever enter the "nest."

Because I travel for work, this really wont be much of a deal for me. She can use her apartment on the weekends when I am home, and if I need to I can go somewhere else if it is her weekend.

This is quickly sinking into her head, because this morning she was waffling on everything she said. Although I cant stand the thought of this (and that is something I will not say to her or show her except to say I believe is detrimental to the family,)this may be the best thing. As Sandi or Greek said, let her get her place and see what it is like to pay all the bills and have the responsibility. If she decides she made a mistake, boy is it going to cost her $$$ money from her personal savings - but not the family's money. Oh well.....

[sandi2]

Shell, your WAW wants an apartment so she can play. She told you she wants to know how it feels to date other people,and believe you me.....that is exactly what she has in mind. It just looks "nicer" than getting a motel room! Remember....the girl you have always known as your W is gone. This is a new person with different norms & standards from your W. Don't be shocked at anything!

Now, listen to what I am about to tell you...please. You must not make things "easy" for her. Why are you babysitting on the weekend while she gets to play? Don't tell me that you are thrilled to have your children. Don't tell me it's b/c you don't want them around OM. Don't use any other excuses that most LBS's use. This is where you have to get tough. I doubt she is going to be able to entertainvery much in a one bedroom apartment if she has children around. Neither is she going to be able to go to bars and party. Not without gettting a babysitter......and don't you DARE be that babysitter. Make her pay for one. You tell her that you have plans of your own for the weekend!! That'll get her attention. That kind of puts a cramp on her lifestyle...don't you think? That is exactly what you need to do. Do not help her with supplying food, funiture, utinsels, sheets & towels, or utilities for her apartment. You keep in mind that she is wanting this so she can screw around. Now, does that put things in perspective for you?

You may feel that you aren't being a good dad if you let the kids go over to her apartment. Why? Is she going to do something that would expose them to something unfit? What will you do if you D? You'll have to let her have the kids, then. Right? So, make her keep the kids in that apartment and don't let her use the excuse that it only has one bedroom. Did she think you were going to sit home and keep her children while she played? Life doesn't work that way.

Remember, you have to show her something.....and that is this fact...she has to realize that she has more to lose by getting a D than what the other side of the fence offers. With that in mind....you have to get very busy GAL. She has to think that you are wanting to be free of her. It is kind of like when dating and the couple breaks up and one of them wants to think that they were not dumped, but they did the dumping! If she thought you were dumping her....oh boy, that would wake her up! So, you have a great opportunity to allow her big idea of getting this apartment to blow up right in her face. If you'll handle it right. You can tell her in your own words, but something to this affect......"You know, I've been thinking about our situation and I've decided that it would be good to have some time apart. You may have the right idea about seeing what it would be like to be free to date other people. I have been giving that quite a bit of consideration. I think I need some free time myself! So, I will be planing to use weekends for some "me" time. Bringing some new people into my life sounds pretty attractive and something I could definetly use right now."

Now, here's the thing.....when she blows her top....you just let her blow! Don't get into a R talk. In fact, leave the house, go to bed, or whatever. If she starts asking if you are interested in a particular woman, just don't answer. Don't fall into any of her traps. Be mysterious by being vague.

I think that you should not wait until she gets an apartment but start right away with getting out and staying out until late hours. Don't tell her anything about where you are going or who you are seeing. You act hapy-go-lucky and look really hot when you leave the house. Don't let her use any guilt trips trying to make you stay home. You are fighting for your M. It may not "look" as if that is what you're doing...but you are. You don't have to go out with another woman, but the point is not to tell your wife. You can go do whatever you want to do. The point is that you are unavailable to your W and you become more attractive to her.

[Coach]

You studying the other teams playbook?

[shellshockedga]

Well, its been a pretty interesting time over the last few days. Interesting meaning not good. Today I met with the L again for more advice on what to do about the WAWs apartment. Good news is that I did not sign for it. Bad news is that, after discussions with the attorney, he and I felt it best to enter into temp birds nest like agreement. However, I will not stay at her apartment. I will be on my own to find a place on my off weekends. Other wise I am in the house or traveling for work.

This is tough because she continues to hurl the insults my way. I accept this is part of the process, but it doesnt feel good.

Even after giving her an agreement on the "birds nest," she still managed to find a way to get it into a negative by asking me to help her move heavy stuff. L said I was not to do anything like that or even step foot into her apartment. So I told her no, the L said I could not. That put her into a hyper fit. She told me that I was an adult and nobody should tell me what to do. Well, I guess I play by the rules..... She is the one that isnt.

But I am sticking to it. I expect it to get worse before it has a chance to get better, if that is even a possibility. Coach and Greek, when you were in the thick of it, how bad did it get between you two? Did you ever see any good in each other then?

[shellshockedga]

Well, today she moved out a TV (which we agreed she could have) and somehow managed to get help and move a couch to her new place. I did not contribute at all. The tough part is tonight, we get to explain to the boys that things are about to change in a big way. Simple and direct, letting her do the talking. I will only ask if they have questions. She was very emotional today as she should be. I held back, let her know that I was prepared for this situation, and then went to excercise. She was none to happy that I would not help, but I am not contributing to her destroying our family. That is pure nonsense. Now she gets to see what life will be like on the other side. It wont be a true representation, but at least something.

She was extremely PO off about me visiting a L, but just like a WAS she already had an appointment with a mediator. Geezze, just be honest. I guess she was mad because I led and she did not control it? I dont know.

There is still love there on my side, don't know about hers, but suspect there is. I am hopefull that her time away will kick start her into thinking. If nothing else, it will provide me time to reduce some of the stress. I have the boys for the first week of this convoluted, messed up arrangement. Time to stand tall and show the kids how a strong father acts in tough times. I wouldnt wish this upon anyone, but perhaps the boys will be able to look at me and learn how a man acts when things are at their worst. Something they can draw on someday if, God forbid, they are ever in the same sitch.

**** For anyone that has been there, guidance and suggestions on how to deal with the boys (10,12) is appreciated. I have a week, then she comes to the house and I go away for work for a week. I want to make this as normal as is possible for them, but be there for support. Do I ask them how they feel or wait for them to ask questions or show emotions? 4 hours until the time to tell.