Wow! I don't log on for a bit and look at all I miss!
Glad you are hanging in there.
You seem to be navigating these waters pretty well.
Glad the LL thing worked out for now. I wouldn't do anything for her though w/o a written agreement lol. She already stabbed you in the back a few times.
I still have my down days. Usually triggered by some familiar memory or scent (since I've been NC so often I've stopped counting). Even 2 1/2 yrs later, it hits me sometimes. I still can't always make myself believe that it's over. But you are definitely making progress on detaching.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm surprised that it appears I'm navigating the waters well. I feel like I'm lost at sea without a paddle. But doing the best I can at least.
Right about the LL & a written agreement. I found out I've already been sold to the black list since she filed the proceeding. So I probably settled for no reason. Except the peace of mind, which has been a wonderful relief.
I've been dying to talk to bf. Since I can't say the things I'd like to say... I called with the excuse of the receipts. He was busy & said he'd call back. He did but then I was busy. I thought he'd drop it, but he did try me again a few hours later. He said he'd get them ready & bring them over to me this wknd. I did my best to sound very happy & carefree. We were both having a busy day - so it was brief. Now I am excited looking forward to seeing him for a moment this wknd! I have to decide if it's wise to go out on the limb. I'm tempted. I imagined saying something like "oh these are great, they're going to help me alot. I'm so happy I could kiss you.' Just to see his reaction, then tell him I'm just kidding. It plays off kindof cute in my imagination. I'm pathetic to be daydreaming these potential scenerios. This wk. 2 different friends both mentioned him - one said, how can we get bf to come around, hmmm? Another said they were surprised that the breakup lasted because we always seemed like a solid couple and seemed so good together. He thinks he's being strong and principled to stick to his resolve, but actually he's being a coward. And I'm so done with being without him, it makes me feel sick. And since I've been comtemplating it, I was rethinking what he said in July. About how he didn't want to meet me because I would manipulate his feelings and attempt to weaken his resolve. So I backed off then & haven't made any play for him since. But what that means is that he loves me and he doesn't trust himself around me cuz I might say something that makes sense and he'd feel weak enough to cave. So instead of backing off, I wonder if I should have amped it up. If he was weak in July I should have gone all out. Meanwhile, the more time that passes, the more likely he is to be getting over me and really moving on. Now I'm thinking I should have gone in for the prize while he was admittedly vulnerable. Instead, I gave him what he said he wanted. It is confusing. So much at stake. Wish there was a test case. Like one example of my R with the most perfect Dbing I can manage. And another case where I pour my heart out to him. Wonder which, if either strategy would have any affect at all on him. I saw him again this a.m., same place. I'm pretty sure he saw me this time too, but he acted like he didn't. Meanwhile, I'm busy. I'm finally getting my new routine underway. Doing ok in general.
I dreamed I was speaking to him. I can't remember our conversation, but his voice was so real that when I woke I had to check my phone to make sure I hadn't called him in my sleep. Although I can't recall what we talked about, I felt very close to him and very contented. I have a strong feeling that he was thinking of me too. It was a connectedness that felt powerful and real. Mysterious things happen, so you never know. I'm sure I felt his energy near me, so I'm just happy to imagine he couldn't shake off thoughts of me either. Not a bad way to start the day. Got my kid to school, now going running with the dogs. Running is one of my new routines. When I met bf I was running every other day, doing yoga 3x wk. I quit both when I had the car accident. But some form of workout really helped me when my m broke up, & I think it's an important piece to restoring my confidence and focus. I am feeling positive and relaxed this morning. Thinking about him too much, as usual, but I'm not even depressed about it today. I'm going to get a lot done. Going to face some projects/tasks that have been neglected too long.
I know the dream feeling. I have had several of those...getting down to sex dreams that felt so real that I could feel stbx. Don't know what they mean, but I have often wondered if it is some type of connection right at that point...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Ran some errands & just returned to find a notice taped to the door that the gas co. is going to disconnect for non-payment. Utilities are included in my rent, so again the slumlord is being irrresponsible. There's a new tenant upstairs, won't she be surprised when there's no hot water or cooking gas. It's all routine to me. I still have no electrics in 3 rooms, I think 6 wks after she was notified! I just want to buy my house. Need more money - I saw one I would make an offer on if my money was ready. Patience.... within a few months it will happen. Have a big promo event at work, and like always I worry it will flop. The last few were good, so I should just relax. But I worry that no one will come and the band will play for me alone, and I'll have wasted more downpayment money on a promo event that bombs. I suppose it's routine worry, it will probably be really fun.
I will come...well if I was closer I would!!! You will be fabulous...
Brrrrrr cold shower. I think I need to get out my electric blanket already...geez....
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
It was good. Not the best event, but it was good. Music was nice, some of the promotions were successful, others not so much. I still think it's a good idea, got to get organized wks ahead for the next one so there's better pr.
Couldn't tell if your brrrrr cold comment is cuz you're freezing up there already! Or if you're making reference to my impending gas disconnection. ? Is it really so cold already? Yikes, it's going to make it's way down soon. Where did summer go? What happened? I want a do over. I had 2 major goals this summer - reconcile with BF, and find an apartment. Neither happened. Ah well. Apparently there is another plan.
My big puppy is quietly looking out the window for an hour. Just checking out the morning air and who's out and about. She's so cute. I think I'll take her to play in the park now.
hmmmm. This is the wkend he was supposed to bring me the receipts. Clearly I'm not a very high priority. He said he'd call when they're ready and then drop them off this wkend. Oh well, I have something that will get him to turn up.... more mail. Looks important. Hahahaha. Looks like I'll be seeing him soon even if he doesn't want to bring me what I asked him for.
Had a smack down moment today. While in the shower I was rinsing my hair w/ head back. I opened my eyes and there it was. One of BF's hairs stuck on the tile. I have to admit I usually clean from about waist height down, if I do the upper tiles it's a pretty quick go over. He was quite a bit taller than me. He left in February. Sometimes it scarcely seems real that he was here in my house for 4 yrs. Yet here's the evidence that he was. Don't know why it affected me so much. It's different than finding a left behind belonging. This is a piece of him. Kind of freaked me out. It's proof that he was here, that he loved me. That this was his shower and his house too. Kooky sounding, I'm sure. But I can't help it.
Lola, do you think I could make a spell out of this? {Kidding, of course!}
Grrrrrrr. Woke up po'd at him now. I've found myself in the angry phase before for brief periods. I know from experience it may pass. But I'm so upset right now that he made me believe it was safe, that I could trust him. That he expected me to be committed to him. Yet he wouldn't give me the same. I thought we had something special, something more authentic than I'd ever experienced, and he said the same. It had so much potential and he threw it away over something stupid. He was looking at it in one dimension and ignoring all the layers. He's an ass. He's an emotional retard. He's a coward. I saw him again this morning. I saw him look into the park for me - I guess my secret viewing spot is busted. Now he knows I'm with the dogs in here at this time so I can't look at him sitting in his car 20 ft away any more. I was seething when I saw him. I pretended to be reading the newspaper & didn't let him know I saw him. I hate his ugly car too. I am going so far as today to even say he was beneath me and how dare he treat me badly when I was the best thing that ever entered his life! Good luck to him finding any woman who wants this. Sure he's handsome & smart enough to capture initial attention. But who is going to put up with him once he reveals his dominant intolerant side.... not to mention his feral son. He is attracted to a strong independent woman, but ultimately wants the power in the relationship. No wonder he was in his 40's and had never had a long term r. The 4 yrs we were together makes this more than twice as long as his only other serious r. Loser. Doesn't comprehend compromise & understanding a partner. I've been bouncing around emotionally enough to know this could pass. But it feels good to be disgusted with him for a change. I'm upset at myself too that I wasted 4 yrs w him and now another 7 months recovering / plotting. I'm so disappointed that he still hasn't brought me the receipts that I asked for wks ago. How hard can that be? How can I be so unimportant to him? Yet he was mad when I took 2 whole days to save every single file that he left behind on my computers! Grrrrrr.....
