WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Wifey,

Forgiving myself had been very hard. I spent about 3 months with my therapist working that one through. So I do feel like I have forgiven myself and, as my friends and family have said, that I have stopped beating myself up for all that I've done to bring us to where we're at.

Of course, accepting the forgiving of myself has gotten easier since I've found out the awful truth of what she had been doing for over a year.

Even then, I do get sad about it. We both had such high expectations and dreams when we made the promise to each other almost 10 years ago (our anniversary is on 10/10 - that's going to be a tough day for me). I feel like I, we've, failed to realize the incredible potential that promise had to offer. What I am proud of, is because of that promise, we have two beautiful children that I love dearly. I do know that this past year has been a huge learning experience for me and I've grown more that I have in the time during our marriage.

I don't know if I will ever be able to get through the hurt of the betrayal. I just can't see ever trusting her again. That's where I do agree with Sandi's comments - that she is still continue to play me and butter me up for stuff that she needs. Ironically, I have given her everything that she wanted, but she said I never gave her me. I do see how my priorities were not balanced but when I showed her that I understood and changed. Even she recognizes it but said it still wasn't good enough. It becomes clearer to me each day that this is her loss.

I do want nothing more to renew the marriage with my wife, but I just don't see how I could do it without the trust that is essential in all relationships - especially in a marriage. How do you trust someone who has betrayed you and had been so "evil"? It goes beyond the cheating, it's how she treated me over this past year. Toying with my emotions, hopes and guilt. This was just cruel. That is what hurts - which is getting less each day. I am also finding that I am able to find ways to be happy, not just when I'm with my boys, but when I'm with my friends, family and by myself.

The down/hurt feelings still happen, but they are becoming less frequent and less severe and my up/happy moments, outside of my boys, are coming around as well. Guess that's progress....

I know I need to continue to take this time for me to heal. Setting up my apartment in NY will really help as I still haven't changed anything in my house in PA (except for replacing some of the stuff that she had taken). All her pictures and decorations are still up - I've been using the excuse of keeping it the same for my boys, but I know I've been lying to myself about that. I know it's for me, trying to hold onto the past. I'll cross that bridge when I've gotten things settled in NY so I will have time/energy to take care of things back in PA.

I do agree with you that the skype/laptop issue is more of a lack of effort than a technical glitch. It works fine everywhere except her apt. I just refuse to go into/near her apt - knowing what she had been doing there. That's why I offered to pay to have the Geek Squad take care of it. Her answer of she had to think about it tells me enough to know she doesn't want to get it working. She's afraid of having the laptop on her network because she is still trying to figure out how I found out and all the evidence I got. Guess that's what happens once you've crossed over the line to lying and cheating. You wind up letting paranoia drive your decisions....

So whenever this journey comes to its end and where ever it leads me, I will want to be able to say to myself and my boys and did everything I could possible to do to save the marriage and I have followed that path with honor.

BTW - from a post you made on your thread a while back, both my boys know all the words to "The Climb". They call it our theme song :-)