The worst thing is not knowing where this path will lead. There is no map for me to show what I need to do to to best resolve the situation, but,there is some very good advice on these boards;
WAW Do’s/Don’t’s 1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
The advice about not pursuing is very hard, and could show that you no longer care about the WAW – after all they are looking for the negative in everything you do, but , it isn't about them, it is about gaining the mind frame to move on.
The basic philosophy that is being outlined is to stop waiting upon the WAW and simply reinvent yourself by focusing on yourself and things you can control. You can not change their mind set and so dont waste your energy. I have decided to follow this basic outline and start a 180's list. And you know what -I already feel in more control already – only after 2 days ! I know it is too early, but, I feel more confident and sure that the path that I am about to embark upon is the correct path for myself and my children. This is not about choosing the correct path to redemption with my WAW – she has made her choice – it is up-to her if her path will join mine in the future.
I do see nothing but hard times ahead.
She doesn't know that I am salting away money to make a cleaner break and to allow me to set up a new home for me and my boys. This I am sure will be a very big surprise for her. I feel that she expects me to hang around swinging in the wind until she decides. So I am expecting a bit of a fire storm when she finds out I am planning for a future without her. If I need to. I am not looking forward to the lonely times at all – especially at the special holidays -Birthdays, Christmas, etc. I need to continue in the 'strong' mind set to allow me to move on more easily, and not to pine for her for ever. I have always tried to be open to my WAW, so the advice to become evasive but not cold is not natural to me, and so I will find this very hard.
But I will follow the basic strategy to allow me to move on when the time is right. But for now I will try everything to recover my M, and see where this leads me.
I will start upon my 180's now and will post back later.
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
