Oh bloody f*cking hell. In a nutshell, I called H's to talk to S7 because he had called me.
H questioned me about why I have S7 sleeping out at his grandparents tomorrow night on a school night. I said because I have something to do. "But on a school night?" I said that I don't have babysitters and I don't usually do that but it is what it is. That if he would like to take them he can but I figured he has plans (which he does of course). He said it is a lot of moving around for them and I said that I don't like it either but they want to sleep there and I have something I need to do. He asked me if I wanted to come to a show tomorrow night. I said that I'm not sure when I will be available, plus, I don't think it would be very comfortable. He said something like "you mean women" and I said "for anyone we know."
We discussed getting together to discuss money and other logistical issues. I suggested Monday. He said tomorrow and I said I'm not sure. He said Friday and I told him I have plans...he commented "wow, you're busier than I am."
I told him I was getting a headache and wanted to get off the phone. This stuff stresses me out and we need to talk about it in a different setting. I wanted to enjoy my evening. He didn't get why and kept roping me back into the conversation (which I allowed) and I got progressively more aggravated. I told him that all I really need is for him to come up with how much he can give me so I know what I am working with and can start looking for a place and make other decisions.
He asked me what I am doing about work and mentioned other people's inquires as to why I am not working more. I told him that none of those people know me or what I have contributed to his career and that he likes to compare me to other people but I'm not interested. I said, I'm sure he'd be fine with me getting a job as a receptionist for $10 an hour and take care of the kids while he runs around with rock star but that I am sending resumes to jobs that either fit in around the kids schedule or pay enough to cover child care and also will potentially lead to some modicum of self sufficiency in the future. I was very calm the whole time but obviously aggravated.
He mentioned what a great time we had on Sunday but then something changed and he doesn't get it. I tried again to explain that this subject matter is too stressful for me to discuss willy nilly.
I told him at one point that I am just glad to be mentally doing well and that is the most important thing and that once I know how much money I'm getting, I can make the next decisions accordingly. He said he is actually shocked by how well I'm doing. I seem to be so much better off...(trap)
He told me he'll always make sure I'm taken care of. I said that while I appreciate the sentiment, I cannot rely on him anymore and I need to know how much I have to work with. He says that now but I have no idea where he'll be four years from now.
I finally got off the phone with a headache and stressed and picking up his mother for dinner (which he knew).
She and I had a decent time. Of course we talked a bit about H who she referred to as like an addict but she just can't help herself, she can't say no when he asks her for something...
Oh, prior to dinner with MIL, I texted him that I would shrug this off and have a good time and that we will figure it all out (I couldn't bear him thinking I let him ruin my night).
He responded that he cares deeply for me and he just doesn't know how to approach certain topics with me that are difficult.
I said we just make a time to discuss them when we are both prepared.
Then he says "Ok. Love always and I do admire how you are taking care of yourself."
After my dinner with his mom, I checked my email and here's the pièce de résistance...a facebook email from a woman (model looking young) searching for H and she goes into this whole weird diatribe about how she met him with rock star and he was showing pictures of his kids and someone was asking about "AK" and she was wondering if that is me because she is trying to find this cool guy she met [H]...it went on but WTF????? I just didn't respond and blocked her but it really made me sick inside and I just want to leave this town and never look back. I can't take anymore. At dinner, we were talking to the couple next to us (one of whom is a recognizable actress) and the guy starts talking about a friend of his and of course it is a close friend of H's and it is all Hollywood BS and I just have had it!!!!!! And of course, I cried all the way home and my head hurts and my heart hurts. Not because I want him but because I want to be able to divorce him in every way and start anew. And this stupid celeb sh*t is just gonna drag more drama and draw more vermin into mine and my kids lives. Aaaargh. As for the email, I was going to forward it to H and say "handle this" but my best friend made me swear I would do nothing and she thought it was very suspicious (it was f*cking weird!!!!). Boy did I have fun imagining how I could respond to this tart but I did nothing.
I think maybe his mom said something about the email (she was with me when I got it).
About 40 minutes ago H texted me asking if I'm ok (at a specific time that has significance for me relating to a friend that died...complicated story)...but really, am I ok?????? I am not answering.
