So last time I posted, someone wonder how my situation could be going on 13 years. BBJ is the perfect example of how it happens.
My spouse had a history of EA. We had a 3 year old and he got transfered 1000 miles away. While I was closing down our "old" life, my husband was starting a new EA. He told me, "Stay where you are. Keep everything. I'll see our child 4 weeks a year." I went into a panic for my chid. I thought we "worked" things out so I moved. In reality I was busy buying a new house, finding a new school, finding new activities, finding new doctors, making new friends, etc. and my husband was back to his old ways -- busy having an EA.
Now my situation got worse. After the "newness" wore off, I found myself in a city I HATED but my husband loved. The thought of a D and having to stay in that city was out of the question. So finally after 7 years I convinced him to move. I thought that things get better but in reality I was busy buying a new house, finding a new school, finding new activities, finding new doctors, making new friends, etc. and my husband was back to his old ways -- busy having an EA.
See how this works BBJ ?
Then one day you've had enough and you break the cycle. I kicked him out and started GAL, you will file papers and GAL. They don't know this game so they up the ante. They have to get us back into a panic. They have to get us back in their game so they can go back to their comfort zones of having their family and having their EAs and PAs. We are moving on and they can't stand it.
Their game is out and out control. I finally realized all of this when I read Patricia Evans book "Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You." See, after I read the book I went back to the start of our relationship and realized that from day one my husband used the same methods of manipulation. I saw the incidents as "bad patches" but really he was setting me into a panic so he could control me.
After I kicked him out I let him back home because he wanted to work on a relationship with my daughter. They finally have a really good relationship. We don't but I never had any expectation that we ever would again. He's a mess and sees nothing wrong with himself. Oh well, I continue to GAL and have a great life now.
He can do or say whatever he wants and I never panic anymore. I come and go as I please. I don't invite him to join me unless I want to. I don't plan my life around his. I say what I want. In short, I don't walk on eggshells anymore. But, I really wish I had taken him up on his offer to stay behind and keep everything when he got transfered 13 years ago. Because, I would have broken the cycle. I would have found a new life. In reality, he didn't mean any of it, he just knew if he said it he could manipulate me.
My point, do what I didn't do. Get the D and take all you can get. If he doesn't get extensive help and you let him back make sure you have a prenuptial. If he does get help and comes back it's your call.
