My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

ummmm--okay. I've hit a new low point.

Child support payment was late last week, not because of xH but because the county switched over to a computerized system that delayed the checks being generated. However, there was no notic of that, and even if there had been I couldn't have avoided having a couple of automatic payments deducted (my share of D's tuition, a mandatory autodeduction). So there were ~$150 in overdraft and other bank fees. My budget is far too tight to absorb that--even one overdraft throws me into a financial crisis. I have cut essentially all non-necessities; we go out to eat perhaps once a month, and never spend more than $30. Entertainment is very rare--a movie or two in the past year. At any rate, this left me unable to pay my mortgage that's due in a week, and because I'm on one of those loan modification programs it absolutely cannot be late or I'll be in foreclosure. And there's not much food in the house. I examined everything; I took some books in to sell, have already sold my gold jewelry awhile back. Finally, in desperation, I asked xH for a loan of $75.

His response? "I'm not going to get into this kind of a pattern." So I thanked him and hung up because I couldn't hold it together and wasn't going to cry on the phone with him. Had a bit of a panic attack. Now, xH makes $100K. I put him through grad school and an internship in our younger days. It's not like I just went out and blew money on new shoes or something, and it's not like I wanted him to just give me money for something frivolous. I explained I needed to buy food for D13.

He called back in ~5 minutes. Yelled at me for hanging up on him, told me I really wasn't in a position to be arguing or to be a bitch. He said things were tight for him, too, because he has all these attorney fees (well, that's what happens when you want to dump your family, kwim? his decision, his choice of attorneys, his freedom.) I lost it--told him that I had no one else to ask (which is very true), there is no such pattern, I wouldn't ask unless I was against the wall, and asked him to consider it just out of respect for my having supported him through 3 years of school. I believe I probably ended up begging. Ultimately he agreed, but said he wasn't going to do it again.

Okay, how much more humiliated do I have to be? I'm trying really hard, I'm going without some necessities and certainly most luxuries. I'm working 2 jobs and looking for a 3rd--and making new graduate wages because as a single mom now I need hours that will allow me to be flexible for D13. Last winter, most of the time I had no heat because I couldn't pay the gas bill (which was ridiculously high) and couldn't afford to repair the furnace--so we generally slept in the family room near the gas fireplace. I cut my own hair, I bring my lunch every day. Can't trade the car in for a cheaper payment--I'm upside down on that loan. The mortgage is actually reasonable--but I have several medical bills from a shoulder injury 2 years ago.

I apologize for the pity party. I just reached the end of my rope. If there are any emergencies (car breaking down, I don't know) I have no options at all. I just keep thinking--I've been working for 35 years, to end up like this with no improvement in sight. I really didn't do anything wrong--I may not have been the absolute perfect wife, but I truly didn't do anything that would justify H just leaving us for someone else. I don't know when I've been this depressed.