Journaling: Wednesday: Today started off with the normal exchange of e-mails: -------------------------- Hi,
Girls did well again last night. Road bikes down to the school and played for a while. Then they ate, took a bath, and went to bed. Nothing too special.
Take care, - Tristan ----------------------------
Thanks for the update. I miss them so so much…. can’t wait to see them today.
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By the way, feel free to pick up the bike. Thank you for letting me know.
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Around 2 this afternoon, I receive a call on my cell from her. I am on the phone with manager, so I let it go. She then calls the office phone; so I call her back.
M: "Hi. Did you call?" W: "Yeah... I was just driving around and wondered if you had time for a cup of coffee" (She drives when something is bothering her) M: "Yes. I can get away for a little bit. Where would you like to meet." (We work over an hour apart from each other) W: "I can come pick you up. I will give you a call when I get there." M: "OK. No Problem. See you in a bit." W: "Bye"
OK. I must admit the anxiety began to set in here. I really had no idea what she wanted to talk about, but I could tell by her tone it was serious.
She calls up and I walk down to the car as nervous as could be, but was able to muster up a smile for her. She smiles back. When I get in the car, I hear the music of one of our CDs which relaxes me a bit. I can tell she is nervous as well.
M: "So how are you?" W: "Good and you?" M: "Fine. Thank you." M: "So where would you like to go?" W: <shrugs> M: "How about a little walk. There is a nice park near here." W: "That is fine."
We talk a little about the girls on the way to the park. Today was a very nice autumn day, leaves are beginning to change and the sound of locusts fill the air. We begin to walk in silence. I had no idea what to say.
W: "It's wierd isn't it." M: "What you mean us?" W: "No. Me coming out here to see you. Do you think we are wierd?" M: "Well we are not what we used to be, it's different now." W: "Yes. I see what you mean." ... W: "You know when I left, I thought I would be like a butterfly. I would be able to flutter away and be free. But what I have found is that I miss us. I miss the girls. I miss our family." M: "I miss our family too." W: "I miss our crazy life. You know I went out with J last night and she had to leave because she wanted to go see H and kid. And I just felt..."
We walk some more in silence.
W: "So do you think we have a chance?" M: <I pause> "Ah Yes. As long as you do. Do you?" W: "Why do you think I am here?"
I give her the "Well it could be for a couple of different reasons" look.
W: "What? You thought I was going to serve you with papaers or something?" M: "Well, I was prepared for it."
W shakes her head and laughs. We walk more in silence.
M: "So are you saying that you would like to try to get back together?" W: "Yes." M: "I'm willing. But we can't go back to what we had before." W: "I know." M: "We both need to make changes. I am willing to work on my part." W: "I know I have a lot of work to do."
We walk more in silence.
W: "I looked into the counselors and read up on the website and what "Pro-marriage" counselors are. I will give one of them a call." M: "You know some things are obviously going to need to change. I need to feel secure in a marriage." W: "Are you talking about OM." M: "Yes." W: "I know he needs to be out of the picture. I know that."
Walk more in silence.
W: "Did I tell you I am looking for another job." M: "Yes. The one at the -----" W: "Yes. I am also updating my resume and doing searches. What time is it, I am concerned about the girls." M: "4:00, do you want to turn back?" W: "Yes."
We talk about lighter things on the way back to the car. When we get back to the car we stand there looking at each other.
M: "This feels wierd." W: "How." M: "I don't know. I feel anxious, like I am on a first date. But there is a whole lot more at stake." W: Nods her head. M: "So you really thought I had given up." W: "Yes." M: "Why?" W: "You were so short. I thought you were so angry at me." M: "Its not anger its..." <I pause trying to come up with the feeling I've had over the past couple of weeks, and can't figure it out> "defensive, I guess." W: "May I have a hug."
I hug her lightly.
M: "Give me time." W: "I just asked for a hug." and starts to cry
I hug her again.
W gives me a puzzled look and I realize I really have no idea how I feel anymore. I have been in cognitave override mode for so long now that I think I have been completely ignoring them to some extent; especially the feelings toward her.
We drive back. She tells me to have a good run and I tell her to give me a call. She said she would.
I went home after work and went for a quick run. W calls around 10:00. We talk about some small stuff. She mentions that she was thinking of skipping work tomorrow and going for a long bike ride and asked if I would like to come along. I told her that I couldn't with only 1 day notice. So she decided she is going to do it alone.
So a lot happened today. I need to sleep on it. I have been working so hard to detach. Now it seems that I need to change a little on my direction and I am a little perplexed on how to go about it.
