It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

During the last week of no-contact with W I recently had a profound epiphany about myself and the selfishness which put me in this position. (I'm at my sister's after agreeing 1 month ago to a 3 mo. trial separation. A week in she told me she wanted D.) My realization wasn't about self-loathing, but about accepting how lazy, childish and destructive I was on our family. I let my family down for years and worse, agreed to leave them behind.

Today I spoke to W and all went well until the end. I was struck by how I was being systematically removed from my own family. She has every right to make the place her own and to be more comfortable there.

Should I get all of my stuff out now?

Should I tell her I want more NC time or just avoid contact or keep pretending (badly at times) that it doesn't effect me?

The permanency and sincerity of her decision to end the M is taking its toll on me. I just can't accept that this is the right decision. Not just in a selfish way (there is some of that) but also the toll on the kids--d(13) and d(10). And that I believe W truly does love me still but is avoiding those feelings to avoid the pain.

We have fractured a family that still has a chance to heal and grow even stronger if we choose to make an effort. I married my W with the promise not to give up and I won't as long as I believe it is right. But this is hurting and it's hard to pretend to be supportive about her independence when it's about removing me from her life!

Looking for some guidance...

Thanks

[PainfulDusk]

Sorry to see you here, but you have friends and support here. One lesson i learned but still struggle with is that i cant control my husband. we cant control anyone but ourselves. Im new at this too. so cant offer much other than moral support. staying upbeat and improving yourself and YOUR life is important, to you and to your marriage.

Dusk

[TooLateForMe]

Yes, I'm learning that often just a simple show of support is a powerful thing. It sucks to know that so many people are going through this but nice not to feel alone in it.

[ClingingToHope]

I am five months into the separation and desperately want to go back. But I'm working hard on improving myself -- going to marriage rebuilding classes at a new church -- finding friends to do things with on the weekends, getting a second job because now money is tight, getting a nice apartment that my girls will feel is a second home.

Every day though is a trial and I've had some weak moments, including one this past weekend. Your story is very similar to mine, but you have to keep telling yourself that you can't and don't want to go back to the marriage the way it was. You have to improve yourself to the point she wants you back and wants to WORK at the marriage.

When you do talk, is there any emotion in her voice or is it cold and impersonal -- like she's talking to the neighbor? In my five months, there's only been one conversation where it felt like we were connected again and cared about each other. That was three weeks ago and I've held on to that feeling ever since -- and it's too long.

[TooLateForMe]

When we talk it's fine and almost like it was... which is hard enough because I can't believe her feelings have changed so drastically. We spoke today about her job and friends and got along well. It makes me realize what I'm losing.

[ClingingToHope]

I was struck by how I was being systematically removed from my own family. She has every right to make the place her own and to be more comfortable there.

Should I get all of my stuff out now?

Boy that's a hard one. I remember about three weeks into the separation that she'd removed all pictures of me. She still has a photo up of my mother and grandfather though.

We were really heading downhill for 3 1/2 months before I started a marriage rebuilders class at my church. It was seven sessions and I was struck by how much I HAVE been doing wrong.

I've been blaming her for the separation because I thought I'd been working so hard to keep things together for the past three years. But everything I tried backfired. I didn't have anyone to tell me I was doing everything wrong.

I wish I'd known about this class five years ago. The hard part now is that I know I'd be a better husband if we reconcile, but its 100 percent up to her to give me that chance. That's why DBing is sooooooo hard. I want to run over there and say "I know I screwed up and need to make changes and I'm finally ready. Can I come back."

She's not ready for that and may never be and I've never been very patient. That's the key here, patience, and I don't know if I can make it.

[TooLateForMe]

Sent an email tonight to W about a medical test she has to have done. I have issues w/ hospitals, especially if someone I care about is the one who needs help. We had an incident when we had started seeing each other where somebody put something in her drink at a concert. She passed out and went away in an ambulance and I spent most of the night finding the right hospital. That was when I officially knew how much she meant to me.

Here's the email:

Hi,

I haven't any right asking this. But after my operation "down there" I can't not ask if I can be there for you for your test. I was going to take the bus home after my operation and it was a good thing Stacy was there.

I understand all the reasons why but the need to protect sometimes overwhelms. It's intrusive, I know. You don't need the help, but the whole thing worries me (can't be helped, sorry). There are people who will help you I'm sure and I trust they can do a better job than me. It's selfish, I know. To you, the whole thing isn't a big deal but I freak out a little when hospitals are involved. Things kind of began for us with you in the hospital, so I can see why it would be too hard for you. For the same reasons the image of you in a hospital bed is terrifying.

You don't need to tell me it's dumb to ask. The answer is "no," so no response won't bother me. But I would feel worse not to at least offer.


She called me and said yes. We had a good conversation but I ended it quickly to deal w/ a problem w/ one of my sister's dogs. There was a disappointed tone.

Later, when I called to talk to our Ds, W got on the phone to tell me all about D(13)'s extracurricular accomplishments. It felt good for her to be excited to talk to me something we share. I just don't want to take it too far out of context.

Should I take this as a positive sign for the R? I think so, but I'm confused and don't want to get my hopes up too much.

[TooLateForMe]

We were really heading downhill for 3 1/2 months before I started a marriage rebuilders class at my church. It was seven sessions and I was struck by how much I HAVE been doing wrong.

I've been blaming her for the separation because I thought I'd been working so hard to keep things together for the past three years. But everything I tried backfired. I didn't have anyone to tell me I was doing everything wrong.

I wish I'd known about this class five years ago. The hard part now is that I know I'd be a better husband if we reconcile, but its 100 percent up to her to give me that chance. That's why DBing is sooooooo hard. I want to run over there and say "I know I screwed up and need to make changes and I'm finally ready. Can I come back."

She's not ready for that and may never be and I've never been very patient. That's the key here, patience, and I don't know if I can make it.

I'm right there with you. I'm often struck by how much she did RIGHT to work on things, things that I just ignored or rejected. One thing I try to do is remember the things I did right, however few and infrequent.

[bluerain]

I wouldnt take it as a sign of anything. Take it for exactly what it was, a positive interaction with her. Two in one day, my friend, its been a good day!

Now you need to not undo whats happened here. Wait for her to talk to you, and play it cool for a day or so.

Cling to hope: Maybe this is a chance for you to do some personal growth and practice patience! I firmly beleive that my whole situation was a big chance for me to grow. Honestly, when my H did visit, one of the major things that I noticed was just how little he had changed! It was actually a big turn off.

[TooLateForMe]

I wouldnt take it as a sign of anything. Take it for exactly what it was, a positive interaction with her. Two in one day, my friend, its been a good day!

Now you need to not undo whats happened here. Wait for her to talk to you, and play it cool for a day or so.

Cling to hope: Maybe this is a chance for you to do some personal growth and practice patience! I firmly beleive that my whole situation was a big chance for me to grow. Honestly, when my H did visit, one of the major things that I noticed was just how little he had changed! It was actually a big turn off.

Yes. I know I need to grow. Certain changes have to happen and I know they must be consistent. It doesn't change the ache and the fear of losing her before she can accept that things can be different.

I already planned on backing way off, but it's helpful to be reminded and to know that people care (a necessary lesson all on its own).