Back because I'm desperate, Need help letting GO

[Beth 83]

Hi All,
Well, I may seem new to you, but I'm not new to the boards at all. Been on since 2007, but haven't posted my own thread in well over a year.

I'll try and make the synopsis as short and sweet as possible.

H & I have known each other since 10, started dating at 18 and got married at 25 in 2003. In 2006 (wow, writing that now, it seems so long ago) he started having an affair, of which I didn't find out about until 2007 (the night in which he told me that he was moving out). Since then, we had periods of not talking, or talking as friends. In Summer of 2008, we started re-building our friendship, after he apologized for the affair and the pain he caused me. After that, all I wanted was to get out of "our house" (he was living with his parents since the separation) and get my own place. House sold in December 2008. We both living separately. In June 2009, we agreed to divorce. Since we sold our house, you could define our relationship as extremely friendly; texting regularly, dinners out, baseball games, hanging out and watching tv. Talking about our new relationships with other folks.

The past 2 weeks, STBXH has been shading and MIA. I thought something was up...but I guess I didn't think to hard about it...I guess b/c historically when I felt something was up it usually hurt my feelings. On Sunday, I saw on his FB that his status was changed to be "in a relationship". I texted him: "Hey! who are you dating?!" He texted me back that it ends up being this girl who we both went to HS with, who he had a crush on all during HS and when we first started dating at 18, he broke up with me b/c of his feelings for her.

Well, this devastated me. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

All this time, I didn't want to be his friend. There was a tiny part of me that still wanted to get back together with him. Why? Honestly? I don't know. Without a doubt, thinking about being with him scares the crap out of me. I don't want to be, but I guess it is the commitment aspect of it?

Honestly, I think what it is is that I can't believe that he never gave me another chance as a wife. He gave his affair lady like 3 chances to work it out. Now, he is starting to date the "one who got away" from HS. But me? nothing. He gave up on me.

So, like I said, I've been around the block for a while, so I know all the retoric...he didn't give up on me, it's him not me, blah blah blah. But, really, I just need help letting go. I've dated guys and I'm KNOW what is out there that will do better for me. But, I am just having such a hard time letting go.

If anyone responds, I'd appreciate it.