ROFL, I needed a laugh, haven't done that in a while.
Seriously though, I will think about doing a letter, not necessarily to give to him yet, maybe when I feel the time is right.
I will post it here though first. As far as being against DBing it has been established that going against some of the techniques will be beneficial to my situation.
Just received an email from H saying he has opened his own bank accounts and will deposit money into our account as I tell him to. He said my pay appears to be going into another account as he can't see it in our joint account.
I pointed out to him that this was a rash decision as my pay goes in as a cash deposit each fortnight and does not show up as a pay deposit.
I am beginning to think he has someone coaching him, whether it be friends who are divorced or whatever, because this is all very odd behaviour and all of a sudden.
Well since the above email regarding bank accounts. There has been more emails between us.
I indicated that I felt he was being advised by someone as decisions were out of character and were happening suddenly, maybe I shouldn't have but I felt it necessary to clear the air of some things. His reply was rather aggressive in tone in parts:
"You are very wrong. So very wrong. Maybe you don’t know me.
I have sought talks with people, and they are not friends. Nobody is driving me to do anything other than clear my head and determine what is best for both of us. You really don’t know me if you think anyone is guiding me. I am, and have always been my own man. Period. Its insulting when say otherwise. Don’t do it.
I have not made any irrational decisions YET!
You told me you weren’t cheating, and I said that that was fine. I believe you implicitly.
Your integrity is now not in question in regards to that. Be honest with yourself, and don’t kid me. You are seeking advice or have sought advice. I am not stupid. Don’t treat me that way. I am anyway. I’ll tell you it’s not to save the marriage, but determine my feelings towards what I feel I need to do deep down.
Sorry, but I will not attend any functions with friends together. They have opinions of me, play mind games and I feel they know all. I feel, sense it and read their body language. They are saying stuff to you about me, and I know they are. I hear it. I have not mentioned this before, as I have tried to ignore it. But in reflection, cant anymore. They seem to know all. Its great to confide in people you trust. I understand that. But I have had it.
I don’t want to play games. This is our lives. It’s been tampered with by me. For that I’m truly sorry.
But the rest is all new.
Anyway, I will write how I feel later.
Lets not push it yet"
I am assuming he has picked up the advice I am getting as being through the coaching I had as it showed up on the account as Michelle's name, he only had to search that and it would be obvious to him. Although I don't know why he should be so hostile as regards that.
My reply to the above email was to tell him that I did not mean to insult him and that that is the problem with emails as emotions in words cannot be shown and can be taken out of context.
I told him I had had some personal counselling, not marriage counselling, to help me to help us by working out how I could have contributed to our situation and to work on those things.
I also conveyed to him that his assumptions of the friends talking about him and knowing everything was not correct and that they only know that we are having trouble. I told him that they enquire from time to time as to how you are and how things are going and if they can help at all they are there for both us if we need them.
I told him that I am not playing games either that I am only guilty of trying to help us work through the issues at hand, deal with them and work on our R and M.
Let’s spend some of our own time, for ourselves on ourselves, and see what happens. Go to the BBQ, and any other functions, if there are any. This you need to do. It would disappoint me if you neglected yourself and the people who care for you. I have found renewed respect for you in your strength and confidance. Don’t lose it. You are better and stronger than that.
I like and respect your friends. They are good people, I just don’t feel welcome among them. Maybe that will not ever change, they are just different to me. But it is good to have varied friends, it gives you balance. I do.
I wear many different faces for all my different friends. I don’t think you understand that. You need high friends, happy friends, stupid friends, calm friends, etc. it gives balance. Boring to have all the same friends.
See how we feel after a period of time. You and I both need time apart.
Who knows what will happen and don’t plan too much or get fixated on destinations, enjoy the journey, otherwise you might be disappointed. Just live and enjoy life. This will make me happy. You seem to forget that I also want you to be happy. You need to be, I look back on how hard we have had it. 23 years of abuse from your mother towards both of us. 17 years of no weekends or life for me, whilst S was growing up. Every weekend was about him. This he has forgotten very quickly, and this angers me. Working long days under hard conditions to support the family and now long hours again.
My new life started a couple of years back and now wont change. Sorry, just how it is.
You need to find you life and the network of friends you have is a great start. Don’t lose them. Especially not for me.
We may not get back together, we both need to understand that.
Don’t get angry. Don’t dwell."
The statement regarding my mother is that as I explained earlier she is very controlling and interferred greatly in our M and was very verbally abusive on a daily basis.
If anyone has any thoughts or insight as to the direction I head now, please fee free.
I think I will need to schedule my next coaching sessions early next week.
Right now feeling as though my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. Don't want to go the gym, don't want to eat, don't want to do anything except crawl into a corner and die.
The sudden and swift actions that he has taken over the past couple of days have really got to me, they have come out of nowhere.
Dont read too much into the bank account thing, my H wanted his own because he had never had his own, he had always had a joint one with me. But again he is controlling the money so I know how you feel and I dont even have a job and in this climate its almost impossible to get one even with a good background.
Well your H is just indulging in the ME ME and if you havent notice dear wife ME show! Although some of it is total paranoia there is a lot that you can validate him on, I dont think any of us whilst in the middle of bringing up a family realise how much we lose of ourselves and how much that urge may well come back to bite us on the bum, and maybe for men more than woman as we see our family devotion as an honour, whereas the men are so often working and miss out so much on that!
Honestly space/time probably is the best thing at the moment, he needs time to let the dust settle and put his thoughts in order, and personally Id agree with all he says about you carrying on GAL, Im not so sure now that you DB'ing has necessarily had an adverse effect, IMHO he has just finally come to the boil, perhaps his own GAL isnt as all cracked up to be as he wants and he is bigging it up a bit.. Lets face it there is only so much drunken schoolboy behaviour and the resulting hangover that can be fun and after a while it loses its appeal. Also men dont bond in the way we do so much, that is one of the nice things on here is seeing the fella's interact with each other, bet if they lived next door there manhood would only allow a G'day non of the deep understanding and affection they show on the board.
Its gonna take a least a week for you to come up for air hun, so just take it steady today and tomorrow, enjoy the weekend and come out fighting again monday! If Im totally honest I would say it will take at least a month for H to lose some of his swollen head, maybe heading for six weeks, my first sign of H not being alien was on week seven, and I would classify him as an easy going laid back sorta chap..
We are all here for you huge hugs x
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oz - welcome to WAH alien behaviour. Your H is having his own pity party by the sounds of things.
I think that Rabbit has summarised it pretty well and the time frame of two months is what I would have said before the swelling to the alien cerebrum starts to shrink back, is about normal.
However, you should not let that put you off and you must continue your hard learned DB skills as and when you can.
I was reading something on coaching today:
Too much, too soon, too fast, too bad. People learn at different rates. You can overload people with too much 'training' too soon. In your haste to speed up a process, you might just bring it to a crashing halt!
So, how much is too much? How soon is too soon?
Learning takes time Pushing them will slow things down Don't move on until they are ready Watch how long they take to get up to 'normal' speed Coach slowly at first - expect them to 'practise' Introduce 'new tasks' Keep things logical, linking one 'coaching session' to the next Be patient Encourage them, when they are ready Use your 'training materials' wisely.
I so related this to our DB'ing and I just hope that you can see the message in there that I did too?
You have to roll up your sleeves now Oz and join Rabbit and I in our WAH mode ... I think that you have good prospects for a positive outcome but he has tightened the rope and you will have to be a bit more discerning in the way that you communicate in the next play off.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
What I don't get is where the hell this has come from all of a sudden. He was making moves back and then wham all this other stuff comes out and he's gone. I had not pursued, I had not pushed, I had not asked anything of him and I had not mentioned our R.
I don't know who he is talking to as he indicated he is seeking advice, what worries me that this has all come from that and whoever it is is perhaps not pro R. Why all of a sudden am I being accused of A and hiding my pay.
I told him this afternoon that my pay had gone in as usual as a cash deposit. His reply was that the money didn't matter to him and he had only checked the account for the first time today. My question why all of a sudden today? I feel I really need to find out who he is talking to because to me whoever it is is detrimental to us and has caused the sudden changes this week.
I replied to him that I felt that after his decision regarding my pay being hidden today he needed to know.
I did not get a reply. Why also all of a sudden today does he now not want to go to the bbq with me that he asked me to go to with him, now I am being told he needs to stay away from me and I should go alone.
