I want my family back!

[Calliope]

Thanks Puppy. I had been doing such a great job of that when he was being a jerk After he'd talk to the boys, they would hand me the phone and I would just click 'end' without even checking to see if he was waiting to talk to me.

I guess its harder because he really is reminding me of the old H. Its too easy to be me around him. But I can do it. I will do it

So, I don't tell him that he is not my friend? I just let him realize it? He wants to come over on Saturday to talk through divorce stuff. I'm going to meet with my lawyer Friday and get prepared. Should I be doing this with him? Or should I just tell him that my lawyer and I will write something up and get it to him to review?

Thanks!

[Stronger]

If he wants to come over to see the boys, great, but don't talk to him about the divorce. Also you need to ask for laywers fees. You didn't want this, so let him pay for all of it. And let the lawyers do all the talking.

[Calliope]

Another thing I've been wondering. Why does a WAS say things like "you dont want me back, I'm not a good guy". or "you deserve better than me"

obviously if he meant that, he would think that his new woman deserves better than him too

[Stronger]

Because they have a weird need to be reassured by you....they want to hear "Oh, no! Are you crazy??? I love you so much! You mean the world to me! My whole world revolves around you!"
It's sort of sick if you think about it, so don't.

[texasbobby]

i have always wondered the same thing. stronger's response makes complete sense. kind of like how they aways want to remain friends a way of holding on.

[Calliope]

So I'm terrified for what I am about to do, but I know it needs to be done. I need to go as dark as possible (not completely because of the boys). I need him to realize that I am not his friend. I feel like I am taking such a risk here. If I had done this a couple weeks ago, I wouldnt have felt this way, but because of the way he has been behaving lately, I'm scared that I'm going to push him back away, when it feels like he is finally being 'human' again.

So re-assure me please Of course I could be an idiot, and his emotions may not be genuine (the other day when we talked he cried the whole time) But I'm so scared that he really is coming around, and this is going to backfire on me. He is so stubborn, what if he senses my non-chalant attitude and says "well, she doesnt care, so why should I"

I think I am answering my own questions.. if he really is coming around, this shouldnt push him back away, this should again make him realize what he's losing... right??? I hope!!

Need to keep telling myself this... Regardless of how he is acting towards me now, he is STILL committing adultery.. he is still spitting on our marriage daily..

thanks for reading my rambling

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Calliope,

The good thing about DBing is that you don't just get "one crack" at most of these things. As much as we make white-smocked rocket science out of it, the truth is that you really can't screw it up that bad in any individual encounter.

And most of the time, you have multiple opportunities to get a point across.

If you go dim or dark (and I suggest you do), believe me, your husband will ask you SEVERAL TIMES "what's wrong?" Although you shouldn't entertain him with an explanation or answer every single time, you will be able to tell him once or twice that "I DO care, but because of your decision to have an affair, I find I need to protect myself emotionally" (or some similar language, that's your words). Or "I do love you, and don't want a divorce, but I also need to be prepared to get on with my life because of what you're doing."

TRUST ME, he KNOWS that you love him. He just now has to know that you love and respect YOURSELF too much to allow him to treat you like this.

You're doing the right thing.

Puppy

[dburt]

He has torn up his friend card with you, now he has to go through a lot of hoops to get a new one.

Burt

[orangedog]

He has torn up his friend card with you, now he has to go through a lot of hoops to get a new one.

Burt

That's a great statement!!

[Stronger]

I speak from experience, when I was able to detach and do for myself that’s when my H seemed to care and give a crap.
I’ve read and read and read on this subject….what goes through the minds of men and women who do this….walk away from their lives and families….and more than once in more than one book, I’ve read that men actually leave their marriages with the thought of “Well, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll just go back to my wife.”
If you can eliminate that option for him, the “I can just go back to Wife if OW turns sour” by letting him know you aren’t going to wait and you aren’t going to accept left overs, you might be able to turn this around.
And who knows? Going dim or dark might even be a relief for you. Try it. You can do this.