I said to her yesterday, how are you doing? And she said, we can't use each other as crutches, we've got to stop asking each other stuff like that.
I think she's right.
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Is DBing the same as preparing to be single? Getting yourself to cope?
Yes and no. I think if you do wind up single it does help you cope with that. I've also seen some marriages here and in my real life come back after EAs and PAs. I have noticed that it often happens after the LBS basically moves on, and not by dating, but just by really moving on. I think the WAS know us well enough to know when that happens or we are faking it. But the funny thing is if you fake it for a while, you wind up honestly detaching. I think there are so many good reasons to GAL and 180. You're making yourself the best person you can be and actually ready for a healthy R. I was so depressed at the start of this I don't think it would have been possible for me to have a healthy M and I don't feel that way anymore. I think GALing also helps you to focus on yourself and not take the M's pulse way too often.
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But she's also said I don't know how to be around you, it's HARD being around you because I feel anxious, etc.
I think that's one thing that maybe she needs to work on if she wants to be a healthy person. You aren't responsible for her feeling anxious, she is. If she's feeling anxious about something that's her problem, and she needs to fix it or not fix it as the case may be. You both should be responsible for your own emotions, positive or negative as the case may be.
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I've really got to start thinking about the other side of this. What it looks like. Having a different home. Sharing the kids. Having less money. And doing this being just me. She's not invested.
I do think both of you probably need to do this. If she's having an EA or PA, she's thinking you're the blame for her problems, and they'll all go away and life will be perfect after D. I've heard that from my X and almost everyone on this board has heard that. Life doesn't work like that though, and at some point she will realize that...
