I wanted to reply to you about the porn thing and my spiritual journey. I really just prayed my butt off, went to confession and finally found a priest who put it in perspective for me. I finally made the decision that enough was enough. After that I'm still tempted but doing much better. I believe porn is no different than affair because of the mental side of things. Its a tuff one to get over.
I will def keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Pray, hope, and don't worry. Padre Pio.
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
Okay, I'm off work today...I wrote out an email for H. Was going to wait a bit and reread it before sending and he calls me because the car loan people called about a pmt. Online pmt didn't go through, not a money problem, just an internet thing. So he called all mad, and I fixed it and then he realized it was okay.
So I thought well that's a great way to start out. So I thought I'd better reword my opening so he didn't think I was doing this in response to that. But meanwhile he tells me how stressed out he is and "anxietal." (He makes up his own words.)
I'm like..uh...yeah? And he goes on about his anxiety and blood pressure and that he had "some kind of anxietal fit" on the way home from work last night... he turned white and got all dizzy, etc. I asked if his parents were pressuring him and he said no, it was all just from work, he's trying to talk to too many customers and do more than he can do and he's just "over-f**king-whelmed!!"
So NOW what do I do???
We had a family dinner for his mom's b'day Wed night and I thought he was acting odd. I mentioned the other day he started slipping into some "weird" mode. I can't describe it really...but I felt some of this coming.
Also, side note, when I was writing to him about how difficult and scary it was when he was so sick, because normally he's so strong and active, I started crying. I haven't really felt anything about that, I was mostly just worried, but I have felt a bit blank about all that. But today I realized how awful it really was and I was just couldn't let myself feel anything then.
Okay, does anyone have any advice for me about sending him this email today?
Okay, does anyone have any advice for me about sending him this email today?
What's the goal of your e-mail?
Quote:
I'm like..uh...yeah? And he goes on about his anxiety and blood pressure and that he had "some kind of anxietal fit" on the way home from work last night... he turned white and got all dizzy, etc. I asked if his parents were pressuring him and he said no, it was all just from work, he's trying to talk to too many customers and do more than he can do and he's just "over-f**king-whelmed!!"
So NOW what do I do???
Validate him then support him, "I can see how thay would make you feel overwhelmed. How can I help you?"
There is a expression when you wait tables called "I'm in the weeds." Meaning you just got triple sat, order is up, and you need to run a credit card. So whoever was running a little slower would ask, "how can I help?" Just a hand to get you out of the weeds.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This is a very rough draft. I need to change it anyway. the way he's acting today is the reason I don't ever tell him anything. Something "funny" he said the other day...he was not mentioning something to his parents,not lying, but not mentioning it...and he was laughing and told the kids, hey the First Rule with Grandma and Grandpa is...Never Tell Them Anything.
So...it's not like he doesn't know this is also true about himself sometimes.
(If some of this sounds repetitive it's because he has ADD and I swear you have to repeat something critical a lot of times)
Hey hon
Hope your day is going well.
Have a few things to tell you...as you know our financial situation has been a little tight because of the past year. Very tight actually. Due to everything that's happened with the illness, etc. Do you remember what Tax Person told us at the tax filing? We made 25% less money last year. That's like X amount. We made X less last year!! And we had all those medical bills. Thousands of dollars. And we were still paying for our own health insurance until last Oct.
It was pretty scary when you were so sick..and you wouldn't take care of yourself when you were worried about money. I didn't tell you about the medical bills because I wanted to protect you. Remember when you told me you were so glad I didn't let you know that stuff? You said Thank you for not telling me!! You had so much on your shoulders trying to cope with cancer treatment. It was hard to see you like that, because you've always been so strong. Really it was almost superhuman the way you powered through all that pain and suffering. You had so much to deal with I couldn't add any more.
Anyway...we made X less dollars last year. With more expenses. It had to come from somewhere. I had to take money from savings. I know you already know this or you wouldn't have asked so many times. I had to take money from savings to pay bills. And I used our credit card sometimes too, just for regular stuff. Of course we were supposed to get that bonus in December...and then we didn't. Boy was that a blow. I thought that was going to kind of fix things, and we didn't get it.
So, we really have only X amount in our savings account. And we have X amount on our credit card.
There. Now you know. I didn't tell you when you were sick to protect you. After that...I was looking for a job...and, well, as you know, after you got off painkillers you started drinking very heavily, and I didn't ever want to tell you then either. And then it really looked like we were getting divorced. You asked me if one of the reasons I wanted a divorce was to avoid all this stuff, and yes, that is one of the reasons. Because we can't handle these things appropriately.
I apologize for lying.
Truthfully I dread ever talking to you or seeing you again after this email. But I am trying to get over that, because these circumstances COULD NOT BE HELPED. This is a bump in the road of a long life. There is a way to fix things.
I've already to talked to SoandSo, and we can refinance the house to a LOWER house payment, pay off all our bills, and repad the savings account to where it was so we have available cash. It still only makes our loan X amount, so it doesn't even prevent us from moving in the future. It's a reasonable solution. She said she and Youhoo have had to do the same thing a couple of times.
Okay, so I've told you. I know you're probably angry. I am tired of having this on my shoulders and dealing with all of it all by myself. When we didn't get that bonus was when my depression got so much worse that I really thought of killing myself. That's how much stress this has caused me. I would rather kill myself than tell you about financial problems. I'm stronger than that now.
Okay, well, sorry to dump all this on you. I'll talk to you soon.
This is really just like a...vent. I need to go back and edit it. So any thoughts?
To confess, and to get this on the table, and to tell him before he finds out himself...
Quote:
Validate him then support him, "I can see how thay would make you feel overwhelmed. How can I help you?"
There is a expression when you wait tables called "I'm in the weeds." Meaning you just got triple sat, order is up, and you need to run a credit card. So whoever was running a little slower would ask, "how can I help?" Just a hand to get you out of the weeds.
What if he says "nothing" or "I don't need any help!" which is what I expect him to say. I did send him a short email that asked that. we've had a problem that even when I try to be supportive or helpful he brushes me off.
I know that I am not going to be helping when I tell him the truth. He's going to have a meltdown. And not even because I didn't tell him but because he can't cope with anything.
