I swear to God you are like a hyperactive kid in need of a dose of Ritalin.
you'd be correct, except the kid part ;-)
Originally Posted By: billclay18
BTW...I think it's hilarious that you're not a Red Sox fan or from Boston. My name's not Bill Clay either, just a character from a movie.
Hilarious!!
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Well here's her response to my phone call two nights ago and my followup email. One long paragraph. I've included my email below it for reference. Yes I'm sad.
RSF,
I have given some thought and consideration what to you have said and I do not agree. I have spent a lot of time talking to you about my feelings and beliefs about our relationship. I have spent hours going over and over the same thing. I have been honest and direct and have walked away from conversations feeling like we had an understanding only to find that you came away with a different conclusion. I don't know how to be more honest or direct.. I am tired and feel beat up by all of this. I understand this has been hard for you...I really do understand that. Having said that, it's not right the way things have happened. I haven't done anything wrong. You left me and you left this marriage in October. That's how I have operated and what I believe. I didn't want any of this but I am a survivor and have pulled myself together and moved forward with my life. The distress and unhappiness that you have seen over the past month or two is because I'm being forced to be something I'm not. I'm living a dual life, one married and one single. I'm living incongruent to my beliefs and it is causing me a great deal of unhappiness and distress. I cannot continue on this path. It's not right for me or for you. You are right when you said on the phone that it needs to end. It does. It can't continue on like this. It is ruining any possibility of us being friends and being the best parents possible. I will get the paperwork from the attorney and either give it to you in person or mail it. You will need to review the paperwork and make comments/suggestions/concerns about the content. I mentioned before that I did not have all the information so what she did is use a standard dissolution format and put in the information that i did have into the document. If you want to hire an attorney for yourself that's fine. You can also discuss with her. There is no additional fees for the document to be edited. I hope that we can move on to the next stage of things in a respectful manner. We are parents and are going to have to have some type of relationship in order to parent effectively. I want to be on good terms with you and want you to move forward and be happy.
W
So I have a few initial thoughts. She has told me clearly how she feels and I have probably not validated it. Mainly because I'm ignoring it or otherwise trying to figure out the DBing stuff.
She's being forced into something she not, OK fair but she hasn't done anything either.
It;s odd that she keeps talking about paperwork and getting paperwork. She and I both know that we need to discuss details before it even makes sense to do first draft of disillusion paperwork. She is definitely not interested in having any conversations yet we've always worked things out in the past...even in tough situations.
I'd love to know too if OM is once again putting pressure on.
+++Reference Email+++++++
W,
You asked for some specificity after our talk the other night. I don’t have much time right now but wanted to share one of the things that I think is really hurting us. Basically we’re not having any good healthy conversations. I feel that you are deliberately avoiding me. What I’m getting from you is the “talk to the hand” response. You mentioned that you felt I wasn’t hearing you/getting it when we were having conversations and you were consequently afraid to do or say anything for fear of sending the wrong message. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. That has to be a crappy feeling. I honestly don’t recall us having any healthy conversations (started with a purpose and ended with some resolution) that we could point back to and say one way or the other that I was hearing you or you me.
RSF
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I am tired and feel beat up by all of this. I understand this has been hard for you...I really do understand that. Having said that, it's not right the way things have happened. I haven't done anything wrong. You left me and you left this marriage in October. That's how I have operated and what I believe. I didn't want any of this but I am a survivor and have pulled myself together and moved forward with my life. The distress and unhappiness that you have seen over the past month or two is because I'm being forced to be something I'm not.
This actually made me teary eyed.
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She has told me clearly how she feels and I have probably not validated it. Mainly because I'm ignoring it or otherwise trying to figure out the DBing stuff.
Whaaaaaaaat? The DBing stuff IS validating. When someone tells you they are hurt and want to be left alone...validating is saying ok and giving them what they ask for. You can't blame this on anyone. The pain and pressure she is describing has come from you. You are just giving OM the edge.
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It;s odd that she keeps talking about paperwork and getting paperwork. She and I both know that we need to discuss details before it even makes sense to do first draft of disillusion paperwork. She is definitely not interested in having any conversations yet we've always worked things out in the past...even in tough situations.
She made it explicitly clear what she is doing as far as the paperwork and why. Yet, you are insisting that you know how it should be done. It is kind of demeaning. Obviously, having conversations is too hard and she wants to use lawyers but with the hope of you accepting and ultimately being able to converse.
This is a sad, hard email for you to read and digest. Do nothing. Do not respond yet. You have to get your head on straight.
Take care of yourself you just got bombed again. It took me getting served and my wife moving out for me to drop the nut. (didn't want that stupid nut anyway.) Open your mind up.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Whaaaaaaaat? The DBing stuff IS validating. When someone tells you they are hurt and want to be left alone...validating is saying ok and giving them what they ask for. You can't blame this on anyone. The pain and pressure she is describing has come from you. You are just giving OM the edge.
All I'm saying is I did effing best that I could. I didn't know what I was doing. OK?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Yes. Of course. We all are. Sorry if that was too harsh. I want to see you "get it" cuz I still think there is hope.
There is no past tense. Trust some of us here. You can go through this differently and regardless of whether she comes back, you will feel good about yourself and you will be better off.
Take care of yourself you just got bombed again. It took me getting served and my wife moving out for me to drop the nut. (didn't want that stupid nut anyway.) Open your mind up.
I'm ready to DB...so I write her back, keep it short and sweet, tell her I understand and agree to move forward as she outlined?
I actually have no idea what to do if you want to know the truth? That feels like moving on.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I just want to encourage you to wait until you feel clear about what to do before you do it. You can certainly respond tomorrow, doesn't have to be now.
I just want to encourage you to wait until you feel clear about what to do before you do it. You can certainly respond tomorrow, doesn't have to be now.
I'm not doing anything until I get some feedback, guidance, suggestions, something. I'll sleep on it and maybe come back with ideas tomorrow. I'm not sure I know what to do.
Honestly, I'm starting to feel like it's over. I'm not really throwing in the towel but I just kinda don't care. I'm definitely tired of hurting.
sent a test message early on fb btw
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I'm thinking about her email and how you should respond. For starters, whether you include it in this correspondence or not, think about the L issue and how you will handle the papers once received. She's given you a heads up. As for what to say to her, ya, sleep on it. Hopefully Coach will chime in too.
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Honestly, I'm starting to feel like it's over. I'm not really throwing in the towel but I just kinda don't care. I'm definitely tired of hurting.
Trust me. This is your starting point. New life, new outlook, new results.
