For Retro, her comment was, "Look at it from my perspective, feeling the way I do, going to a marriage weekend." She said she needs to think about it, journal about it, figure out what she wants to get out of it. Asked me yesterday, are you sure they're going to put us in different rooms?

I took a cue from C and gave her some attention Monday night, but it doesn't appear that this has had much affect - I need to back way off now.

Looking ay myself in all this, maybe I've had a feeling like, she's just on the other side of a curtain - she's still there, I just need to find a way to draw that curtain between us aside. This wasn't a concious approach, but I realize it's been my perspective. We talk, we share meals, we watch TV together, we go and do things with the kids. She washed and folded all my underwear this weekend.

We somehow are having way too many R conversations.

I said to her yesterday, how are you doing? And she said, we can't use each other as crutches, we've got to stop asking each other stuff like that.

She's starting to say things to me, then says, I can't talk to you about that.

But she also says, we're doing a good job respecting each other's boundaries, etc.

And dammit, I still look forward to seeing her at night, I look forward to when she comes home, etc. As hard as this is, it's the highlight of my day.

So, I realize, she's not on the other side of that curtain. She's gone. I'm living in this house with a ghost of a relationship, not something in critical condition. I've been in the mind of trying to revive it, but that's not it. I'm alone in this. I need to start thinking and being that way.

Is DBing the same as preparing to be single? Getting yourself to cope?

I've almost refused to envision life after divorce because I have not really been willing to accept it. When she's said "I still care," "I like being around you," "There's a part of me that still loves you," all those little hints, I've kept thinking, I've got something to work with, I just need to sweep that curtain aside. But she's also said I don't know how to be around you, it's HARD being around you because I feel anxious, etc. After yesterday's conversation, I think she's increasingly frustrated. This whole think of, I don't trust what your're doing this weekend came down to, It's not her job to make this OK for me. She interpreted it as having to reassure me.

I still haven't gotten out of the habits of husband / wife conversations.

I called her today (haven't done this in quite a while) to remind her that I'm going out tonight, and asked about a Cub Scout activity this weekend. She was tired and cranky, sounds like she's getting sick, so she was pretty quick to say, I don't want to talk about it right now.

So. I feel like things are shifting inside of me. I say that she's not my wife, because I mean that, I've got to break all habits of treating her like my wife. I see that now. There is no game of sweeping back the curtain. All this might be basic stuff guys, but I don't think I've connected with it emotionally.

I've really got to start thinking about the other side of this. What it looks like. Having a different home. Sharing the kids. Having less money. And doing this being just me. She's not invested.