He told the MC last night that swinging is a minor issue for him. He says that his biggest frustration is that I don't tell him what I'm really thinking, and he can't figure out why.
DUH!!!! (meaning your H, not you)
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
He told the MC last night that swinging is a minor issue for him. He says that his biggest frustration is that I don't tell him what I'm really thinking, and he can't figure out why.
DUH!!!! (meaning your H, not you)
What does that mean?
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I also mentioned at the end that he's much better at verbal karate than I am, I just can't keep up with him. However, I do have a great roundhouse kick if I could get him to the dojo. (I really should get back there. I messed up my knee at a sparring match and have been nervous to return)
I also mentioned at the end that he's much better at verbal karate than I am, I just can't keep up with him.
I've been lurking on your thread (and quite a few others as well) and I know just what you mean about this as I feel the same way. Between being a naturally nice, accomodating (albeit passsive) person and staying at home with kids for 14 years (little to no "adult" conversation) while he was working in jobs that required daily negotiating, confrontation, and complex verbal machinations, I feel completely overwhelmed and therefore say nothing--it's not worth saying 5 words just to get slammed with 50. This does not help the situation and likely makes it much worse, but I haven't been able to overcome it yet.
Try the book "verbal judo" as the counter to 'verbal karate'... I have found it very very helpful for me having a spouses who think they get to be debate partners.
It's by George Thompson, & he gives a lot of examples from his line of work: as a police officer.
The principles and tactics taught enable the reader to use "Presence and Words" to calm difficult people who may be under severe emotional or other influences, redirect the behavior of hostile people, defuse potentially dangerous situations, perform professionally under all conditions and achieve the desired outcome in the encounter.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I had my appt. with the IC last night, she has been a big help lately.
H and I have another MC appt. coming up on Monday evening, and unless something miraculous happens, I think I am signing the lease on the new apt. on Tuesday. I’ll call off work, go to the bank, see the bldg. manager, and then I have an apt with the IC at 5pm. I’m sure I’ll need it. I’ll probably request a mid-month move-in for October- D16 becomes D17 on Oct. 1, and I want a little space between her b-day and the move.
For the Monday MC appt., I am going to start things off by requesting that H and I discuss the conversation that we had earlier this week in which he claimed that wasn’t the “real me” at our first session. He told me later that he said that because he felt ambushed. Now, “I felt ambushed” is a completely legitimate and valid statement, and worthy of discussion between us. “You put on a show, you don’t function at that level” is not- that is nothing but a personal attack, and unacceptable. I am not sure how H felt ambushed because I didn’t present any new information, he is as familiar with the story as I am, and I have told him previously that I felt hurt. He did not dispute any of the facts or concerns that I expressed. Therefore, he must have been ambushed by how well I presented them. Not sure what I could have done different there, or if I even should have done anything different. The MC heard the story and asked H, “So you would like to see Bunny that open and honest more often?” Easier said than done with my H.
Also, I want to get into the whole swinging topic with the MC, we just glossed over it so far. If he was happy enough with the marriage, H might not mind giving them up, but he also said that there are no guarantees that he won’t want to resume those activities a couple years from now, or whenever. That should be enough for me to get out right there. Let’s face it, if we can’t get that worked out, and I think it’s as worked out as it’s gonna be, then the “listening exercises” are going to be a waste of everybody’s time.
The IC also talked about the post-traumatic bit also. She said she was a bit concerned because I don’t seem to have processed any emotions from He!! night, and I’m not feeling much of anything about it, it’s still buried. I guess part of the problem is the expectation I have on myself in thinking that night should not have been traumatic. It sure wasn’t for anybody else- it was just sex and fun as far as the three of them were concerned. She went on to say that H himself is probably a trigger for me, and that’s why he picks up on anxiety coming from me when he’s around. I can even feel my anxiety level go up just lying in bed with H, like it did last night- he paused for several minutes after turning out the light instead of doing his usual routine, and just sat there, and I go on alert- “Is he gonna say something, do something?” So it will be good to get away from him, I know, but I’ll be scared to death as I’m signing the papers.
I forgot to ask- does anyone have any ideas on the best time to tell H that I'm signing the lease. At the MC session on Monday, same day after I sign, a day or two or a week prior to moving?
I'm not feeling real good thinking about this- my stomach is in knots. Blech...
(I really should get back there. I messed up my knee at a sparring match and have been nervous to return)