Finally got to the right forum. Started out on Infidelity, then moved to WAW and finally realized I am dealing with a W in MLC.
Think I’m doing the right things, but always wondering. Looking for some support and advice and guidance as I move through dealing with MLC.
Sorry for the long posting that follows, but there’s been a lot of stuff happening for the past year or so. As well as me learning some things.
I've been reading many posts on the DB site for the past 15 months. First time for my posting.
Last summer, confronted W about EA she was having with OM. Got the whole ILYBINILWY message.
Background:
ME; 48, W: 47 Married 22 years D18, S16, S15. W is from a strong catholic family - friends say she strong catholic guilt Her dad died two years ago. Her mom died last year. My mom died this summer. She was very close to my mom – has said many times that she was closer to my mom than her own mother. Our D18 just started college – moved away from home.
When her dad died, the MLC kicked in. She started to lose weight (25+ pounds). Started going out with friends dancing. Staying out until 2:00am every Friday. One night, out in a friends hot tub until 4:00am. Physically attached to her phone – texting at 4:00am. Hiding in the bathroom to text for up to an hour at a time.
This started my snooping to see what was going on and finding the first EA.
When confronted her about the first EA –the first bomb, and before I found the DB web site – I didn’t know what I was doing. Said all the wrong things. She said nothing was going on.
Found the DB web site. Start to GAL, working on me.
Then found out she lied to me about her whereabouts – claimed was with her sister. Sister confirmed the lie – second bomb. Confronted her again, but I listened this time. Heard many things about a MLC
I’m tired of being good, I want to be bad. I want to feel wanted. I want to be appreciated I want to be happy. I hate my job I hate my life. (not directly stated, but I’m sure she would have also said she hated me also)
I disengaged, gave her space. Did not pursue – even skipped a gift for our anniversary, just a card. Appeared to have a reconciliation last fall. EA ended, a return of passion to our M.
This spring, something happened. The passion died suddenly. W became physically removed from our M –She stopped holding my hand, giving me a hug – anything physical. I continued to try to hold her, touch her, only to have it actually appear that she seemed to be repulsed with my touching her.
Second EA began earlier this year. Warning signs before the EA that I noticed and asked about. But didn’t push or listen effectively enough. Due to her withdrawal from me and my mom’s illness, I became withdrawn and depressed. Both of us became depressed. I asked for her support – she asked for mine. I asked about why she became distant. Stress was her response – I said I didn’t believe her, the apologized for making her unhappy (wrong move). After two months of me asking and her not telling me anything, I started snooping again and found the second EA.
Different guy – friend of ours. 50+ text messages a day. Confronted W about the OM. After the tirade, and the accusations of spying and not trusting her and me not telling her how I knew, she calmed down and told me she didn’t know if she wanted to be married any more. Said I’m a great husband and father. But that maybe she just wanted to be alone . But that she was also scared about being alone and not being able to see her kids every day. Knows she can’t afford to live on her own. Stated we need to go to counseling.
Using some great advice I read from PuppyDog Tails, I laid out my boundaries:
I love her I can not tell her what to do – she needs to figure out what she wants to do herself. I will NOT tolerate a third person in our marriage I will NOT move out. She needs to find a counselor who she is comfortable with – I will not find one for her.
That was 5 months ago. I continued to work on me and being a great dad.
We still share the same bed, same house. EA has ended. I’ve stopped snooping after I confirmed this. I’ve asked her twice about counseling and if she has found any one. One testy response – Why do I always have to do everything? I don’t ask any more.
This summer, we talked about her unhappiness; how she hated her job. How she didn’t feel appreciated. She didn’t have time to spend with the kids. I told her that her happiness is her responsibility. She needs to find out what makes her happy. She was happiest when she was a mom. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to quit her job and be home for the summer with the kids. I told go ahead – if that will make you happy, then quit. She was concerned about the loss in income. She took the job so that we could move into her “dream house”. She felt obligated to work to help us afford it. Told her we would have to adjust something’s, but her happiness is what is important here. Told her to quit. She quit. Noticeably happier.
Two months ago, I gave her a hug. She hugged me back. Last month , I gave her a kiss goodbye as I left for work. Nothing – just a blank stare. Based on some advice from a fiend, I asked her about doing some dance lessons together. Bad advice. She withdrew again.
So I’ve disengaged again. I used to text her a couple of times a day – just asking how she was doing – what the kids were up to. No more. I used to tell her what my plans were – now just “going out”.
We spend a lot of time together with kids activities. We talk about the kids more than we talk about us. It’s the only thing I will talk to her about – she does not bring “us”up as a topic of conversation. I have not brought up a new job search with her either. She did ask about her resume and if I could find a copy for her so she could update it. But no advice from me on how to update it, no questions on if she is looking for a job. We haven’t talked about me, much either, even though several things have changed recently about me.
Last month, we went to a friends 50th birthday party. W got drunk, saw OM there as well, they talked for a bit (15 minutes). Pretty much left her alone all night, hung out with the guys most of the night. She actually came over and joined the guys in conversation a couple of times. When we got home, I got the “look” from her – the same look she gave me after we reconciled last fall. Then she passed out.
She still goes out dancing on Fridays, but recently it’s become every other week., not every week. And coming home before midnight, not 2:00am. She’s spending more time at home. She is texting me telling me what she is doing and who she is with. We recently talked about my job. She seems to be more interested in me again. Friday, she invited me out with her friends. Told her I already had plans with a friend and she said to bring them along too.
She continues to text, but not as much. She has locked her phone, but now leaves it out when showering. She doesn’t text at 4:00am any more. She’s not locking herself in the bathroom for an hour at a time. I haven’t been snooping in months. I read some great advice from Sandi over on the WAS forum and am not pursuing my wife any more. I’m OK if she wants to leave. I am working on making my self more interesting to her. This spring, I started running myself, lost 35 pounds. Got new clothes, started playing more hockey, going out more, wearing cologne for the first time in 20 years. You could say I’m going through my own Mid Life “Change”. But I’m not pursuing my wife any more.
Got a haircut Saturday – new style. Women at work say it looks great. Makes me look much younger. W noticed on Tuesday. Said “you got you hair cut”, Yes. “When?” Saturday. “Were you wearing a hat all weekend?”. Some of the time. No other comments. Still don’t know if she even likes it.
I think we’re moving in the right direction. So what’s next? I don’t know. Anniversary is coming up. I think she’s still trying to find out what makes her happy. She’s likes being a mom and I think that’s what makes her happy. And at this time, that also makes her sad since the kids are growing up, going to college and don’t need her as much any more.
I’m doing better at appreciating her more, and letting her do things that make her feel appreciated. I used to help out a lot at home – doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, always running out to pick up the kids. All in the realm of helping out. I now realize that I was contributing to her not feeling appreciated. By stepping in and “helping out”, I’m making her feel inadequate – that she can’t do it herself, so I have to do it for her. So I’ve stopped doing laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping, picking up the kids. But I thank her for dinner, for washing my clothes, and for running to Target for me. And I continue to wait for her to get over her MLC and figure out what makes her happy and if I am part of her life.
I’m pretty confident I’m on the right path. The one question in my mind though is if I “push” anything? Do I ask about counseling again? Do I ask about her job search? Do I ask about how her day was and what she did (snooping??). Do I just wait and how long do I wait? Do I ever ask about the M? I know there is no right answer. Just any suggestions from those that may have been through this before.
