Thought I was over this

[C-Bart]

This part of mediation is over and it went well. No big surprises. We actually had lunch after we were done. Wish I could say that went as well. I should have just got on my scooter and headed north.

I basically told W that I am more afraid of being M than of being D at this time. Laid out that I'm not the same person I was a year ago and that I'm scared that being in a R with her or anyone could impact my happiness. Talked about the depression that I've struggled with for years and how I'm coming to grip with that.

What always gets me is she can not communicate at any emotional level. Never could. So it leaves my on the outside trying to figure out where she is. This is so frustrating. So of course I can't shut up so I add some about how empathetic I was to her situation. Actually used the room analogy. She seemed to get that.

There were a few other discussion points but those were the main ones. Bottom line is we are both scared of going back. So what if we didn't have to? No idea how that can even be possible.

I'm tired. Frustrated and feeling extremely vulnerable. I shouldn't have gone to lunch with her. d@#mnit. She's coming to pick up kids in an hour. I don't think I'll be here. I can't face her.