Thanks so much for all of the love and support. It means more than you could know. Actually, I think you DO know because we have all lived the same experience to some extent in losing our marriages.
I never allowed myself to believe we could really be 'done'. And now even though I hate it and I don't emotionally feel it 100% yet, I do know that we have to be done. Period.
I cannot trust him. I know, that should have been obvious, right?
But I don't mean about other women. I just can't trust him with my heart, my feelings, my emotions.
I do not believe what he did was intentional because I do believe there is something fundamentally wrong with him. Depression, sexual addiction, I don't know what it is. But something is wrong at the core level.
So I don't believe he meant it that way, but...
It is just sadistic to tell your wife you love her and want her and choose her and then dump her flat in an email.
I did speak to him earlier today. That was one thing I wanted to clarify.
I said, for the record, when you left my house last night, it was to go send the email. He said yes it was.
I said, and the clear message to me was that you were ending the relationship so we could start to rebuild? He said yes, that was clearly how it was presented to me.
So imagine my total shock (that isn't even a strong enough word, I don't know if there is one) to open the email this morning and read that you were ending it with me as well?
Basically he said he just decided that he couldn't handle even one more R talk, the strain of the effort of it all was just too much.
That doesn't sound quite right. But I am sure you guys get it to an extent. When you have had a draining 'talk' where you just see your whole relationship from 2 very different perspectives, it is draining. To try and reinvent the wheel.
I told him I hated the R talks too. That my impression was that after he ended the affair we would do the work to rebuild and never have to have 'those' types of talks ever again.
You know what, it is what it is now. Of all the things he has done this to me is the cruelest. I spent the last 3 days imagining us renewing our vows, us living together, making love, holding hands, being a family with our children. I let myself believe even though I knew his attempt felt lukewarm.
I cannot let myself get those hopes up again bc the pain I feel today is worse than any of the pain I have felt in the past 3 years of this. Because I allowed myself to have real hope again. I cannot allow him to 'touch' me like that again.
