Do keep working on things. Many times I thought I would never get this far. Sometimes backsliding... I even saw the OW once more this year, so stupid and weak of me.
Something inside of me still didn't want to give up hope for a great M. Seeing the successes of others here convinced me that I could do it too. DQ, Bagheera, LuckyGirl, Jayce... I became... well... a little jealous of the successes they were having that I was not.
So I kept at it. If they could do it so could I. You can do this too Mike.
Thanks man, I am definitely not giving up. W and I are currently "in talks" about it. So far she is still stuck on the fact that we are doing it more often than before, so I should just be happy with that.
Got to get back to work...more details later.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I was going to catch up on your situation, but you haven't been posting much here lately. I guess maybe the situation hasn't changed much over the last few months?
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
I just needed a break from all the reading, analysis, and over-thinking of it. We are having regular sex (once a week at a set time), which is a huge step forward, but lacks spontaneity. She has started opening up to me about the things that shut her down sexually, but it is just the tip of the iceberg I think.
There is still much progress that needs to be made. She still does not understand the toll her rejection of my advances takes on me and subsequently our R as a whole.
For a while now I have been trying to figure out why scheduled time together is nice, but is just not cutting it for me. Also I have been wondering why (and my W has voiced this also) I feel so hurt and rejected when I try to initiate ML outside of those times. Sometimes it will be a Thursday or Friday night and she will tell me "what is wrong with you, you know we are going to ML this weekend".
I keep going back to the spontaneity thing, but just now I realized it is something else. Bear with me...I don't have better words for it. Scheduled ML does not have "the thrill of the chase". The whole dynamic of the man approaching the woman for sex and her accepting his advances is absolutely gone. When we both get ready, hop into bed together and decide to ML at the scheduled time, I'm about as excited as I am prior to going for a run.
Part of this is W's self-consciousness. She wont kiss me passionately unless she has just brushed her teeth for example. The lights must always be out so I can't see her horribly fat (115 lb awesome little) body.
Ack, out of time...needed to put this in writing so I can come back to it.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Does your wife have low self esteem, does she speak of botox, spidervein removal, etc. to look better eventhough she looks awesom to you and others.
Not going anywhere with this, just when you described your wife my wife flashed up in my head.
If you remember I got in trouble with our M by demanding sex at specific intervals (among other issues). Now, I have fixed that by having her pick the times she wants to do it. Roughly that is about 2 times a week. Now, I too have fallen to where you are with the unexcitable ritual of her asking me if I want to have sex. I too would like to have that thrill of the chase or have her make her advances toward me, without the direct query.
Now I am not saying my sitch is anywhere close to yours, I have a few times "taken" her with no rejections, but I also know where I was back in January when she felt as though she was a "sex slave".
Just some thoughts for myself, does not help you at all I know.
lol! I wonder how she would respond to such a suggestion? Hehe...
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Does your wife have low self esteem, does she speak of botox, spidervein removal, etc. to look better eventhough she looks awesom to you and others.
When it comes to body image, I would say yes. She complains about being fat, even though she is not fat. She is a very good weight for her height. What she really means is that she wants to be more toned. She has no other issues and doesn't mention botox, spiderveins etc. Maybe later she will worry about such things? She is in her early 30s but still looks young for her age IMO. She has been talking about needing to work out ever since we started a family. She just wont let go of those few insecurities now. She wasn't like this before, although she has always dressed quite conservatively. She is one of those women you can tell has a good body, but you never get to see it since she wears unflattering clothes to cover it up.
Quote:
Not going anywhere with this, just when you described your wife my wife flashed up in my head.
I think everyone experiences such self-doubt at some time or another, it's just how much we hold onto it, and how much we express it and let it affect us. Given what you describe in your R, it makes sense that our wives are similar in this respect.
Quote:
If you remember I got in trouble with our M by demanding sex at specific intervals (among other issues). Now, I have fixed that by having her pick the times she wants to do it. Roughly that is about 2 times a week. Now, I too have fallen to where you are with the unexcitable ritual of her asking me if I want to have sex. I too would like to have that thrill of the chase or have her make her advances toward me, without the direct query.
This is a good warning for me. I have been demanding more sex also. This is a new boundary for me that I am enforcing. I made it perfectly clear that I cannot remain in a sexless marriage and be happy. I told her that physicality is the difference between lovers and roommates, and that I would not settle with being married to a roommate. She has been picking the times based on her schedule, but I still need to make sure it doesn't get turned around on me. As I get, I also need to give.
Quote:
Now I am not saying my sitch is anywhere close to yours, I have a few times "taken" her with no rejections, but I also know where I was back in January when she felt as though she was a "sex slave".
Sounds like you are further along than I am in a way. I cannot "take her", I get rejected every time. Now even more so, since she knows we will be doing it sometime within the next few days anyway. That is why I still feel rejected by her, despite ML more often this year than the previous three combined.
Quote:
Just some thoughts for myself, does not help you at all I know.
Hope all else is well.
Burt
It actually does help, since it is thought provoking. Everything else is actually very good thanks, I am grateful for the life I am leading.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Sounds like you are further along than I am in a way. I cannot "take her", I get rejected every time. Now even more so, since she knows we will be doing it sometime within the next few days anyway. That is why I still feel rejected by her, despite ML more often this year than the previous three combined.
Spellfire,
I've not been posting here for rather a long time.
It seems like in many ways you've made big progress - yours is not a SSM anymore.
But what you're saying is ML on schedule has been great but now you want more... more spontaneity. I've got two thoughts:
(1) Its always well worth reminding yourself that the likelihood is that no matter how much sex you have, will never be enough. You'll always want more. I think its part of the male mindset?
(2) Maybe a way of progressing things is to simply start stating your desire at opportune moments. I'm not saying "monitor" her mood for when she might "agree" to sex (very "Nice Guy"!). What I am saying is, if you feel that centred powerful sexual urge within you (as opposed to wanting sex to cheer yourself up/ make yourself feel better), just communicate it to her there and then with humour and intent: e.g. "I'm looking at you Wife, and I just want to take you upstairs right now and ravish you from top to bottom." You're not asking her - you're simply stating your desire. It puts the ball in her court as to how to respond: "No" "Okay" "Maybe" "Later". The point is to start some sexual interaction and playfulness, leading to tension, which creates the opportunity for her to be sexual in return. Healthy women do want this kind of sexually-charged atmosphere in their marriages, make no mistake. They want to be desired and for that desire to be expressed. They just don't want their men to always "need" to have sex with them, or to react with anger and petulance if they reject them. Does that make sense?
Can I ask - what is the sex like once it gets going?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
