I'm early 30's (male) and have been married now 3 years. Our sex life has never been great and it's fair to say I'm the more highly sexed spouse. It's been a bit of an issue on and off but I just kept thinking it was going to get better when my wife worked less, when this happened or that happened etc. It came to a head earlier this year (about April I think) and we decided to try and do something about it. I got TSSM book and read it and then gave it to my wife to read. She's not the biggest reader and managed about half way through and that was about that. She's not the most open of individuals and tends to keep things inside rather than bring them out. This is what her family is like and what she grew up with.
We were away in the summer and again our sex life was pretty much non-existent and it was really hard to feel pushed away and isolated when I was hoping we would be able to be close. When we came back I basically said we can't go on like this and we won't unless we get something sorted. We got another copy of the TSSM book and have been reading a chapter a week and then spending some time on a Saturday morning discussing it. It's helped a bit and it does seem like she's making more of an effort but we set aside that time on a Saturday morning and a Tuesday evening to try and be a little more intimate. Problem is that there have been a couple of times over the last 4 – 6 weeks when this hasn’t really gone anywhere and it’s just really hard because that’s (another) rejection. Or if she does something it’s like she’s not really there and just doing it but hating it and if that’s the case I’d rather not do it either, that’s not how it’s supposed to be.
This of course leads to tension and then I get distant because I’m feeling pushed away and sensitive which makes her want to do things even less. The last week or so have been really hard and I’m really starting to wonder if we can make it through this. We just seem to be coming back to the same things and not really making any headway.
S&T,
Just your screen-name tells me how you're floundering in this marriage.
I am of a very similar age to you and I became conscious of the problem of a SSM about 4 years ago. I would say that my overall story is a positive one - my marriage is no longer sex starved, we've had another child and I've been through some very powerful spiritual growth as well.
There's a lot I could say about all of that, but I'm going to keep it short now and focus in on your options as I see them:
(1) DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH YOUR WIFE UNTIL AND UNLESS YOU HAVE A SEX LIFE YOU CAN LIVE WITH FOR THE NEXT 16/17/18 YEARS. If you look through the threads on this forum you will see that SSMs are miserable but often have to be endured for the sake of the children and/or the couple's finances. I have my own views on that as well, but my essential point is - if sex is already "an issue" having children will inevitably only worsen it.
(2) Having issued that very stark warning, I now point out to you what your options are. You can end this marriage probably with very little difficulty, and find another woman. Or:
(3) You can try to work through the issue with her. Frankly, she does not sound very committed to the idea. However - I don't know the full picture. Nor at this stage do you - sexual interaction in a long term relationship i.e. not the hormonal/chemical rush of the first year or two of a new relationship, depends and is influenced by other factors - emotional, psychological, behavioural. Some of that will be down to you, some of that down to her. You each have a responsibility for your part. Its not a blame game, I hasten to add - and blame and guilt will not kick-start your sex life anyway - my point is simply this: You are in a SSM and whether or not you stay with your wife, it is well worth you figuring out what your part has been in this, so that you don't create the same kind of situation all over again with another woman. Does that make sense? I suspect that the vast majority of men at some stage in their lives have to confront the fact that their woman does not want to have sex with them - its part of the male spiritual journey - you've reached that stage and you may think there's nothing to be lost by trying to figure out why, before deciding what to do next.
(4) Its a mantra of this board that you cannot "fix" your partner, only yourself. With that in mind I suggest you look at these threads, to give you an idea of what causes a SSM and help you work out what ways you've contributed to the current situation:
In addition to The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis, I would also recommend you read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. NMMNG will help you recognise and break free from any dysfunctional behaviours with regard to sex and marriage, whereas TWOTSM will get you thinking about your purpose in life as a man, how to follow it with passion, and how to gift your wife with your masculine presence. Both books helped me enormously.
There's plenty of reading there for you to do, and thinking. Post again when you're ready. I'm sure other members will post as well.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
