Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[mishka422]

It would be so much easier if I didnt like the man!!

Oh, I understand completely. There are so many things about my XH that I like, so many shared jokes and memories, but they are all overshadowed with ugliness now. Realizing that he isn't going to change and doesn't even want to that pushed me forward.

And no matter what he has done to me, I still dont enjoy hurting him....

But it's not about you hurting him. He did the damage. He hurt you time and time again, continues to try to remotely control and manipulate your life (questioning who you are even talking to!) but you're still willing to entertain that he could redeem himself. Begging? Oh, you can bet he'd do that. He can't have his backup plan disrupted. The question remains....how long are you willing to be the second choice?

[kissak]

Thanks Mishka...I really dont want to be his second choice.

I did have this guy ask me out...if I was ready...he knew the last time I went out with him, I werent ready...he said he didnt want me to go out with him to help me get over H. I understand that, but now It's different. I cant say Im over my H. I dont know if I will ever be over him. I will always love him. But Im ready to just move on with things. Tired of being his "back up" plan.

I guess its just hard after hoping, praying and waiting for so long, to just give it all up....but like you said, am I willing to let this go on for 5-10 more years...and would he only come back because I would be the only one who would take him??? I dont want to be that person.

He has been down and quiet the last few days. I believe he can see that Im taking steps to move forward more than ever now.

Believe it or not, Im hoping he can find someone else to love him. Honestly though, I believe he will be alone for a long time. That however, does make me sad. Because he is a good person who has just made bad choices in his life, and now he is paying for them.

[mishka422]

That however, does make me sad. Because he is a good person who has just made bad choices in his life, and now he is paying for them.

Totally undertand. I still love my XH, but I know that he is not good for me, never will be again, and our M was really uhealthy as a whole.

I understand that, but now It's different. I cant say Im over my H.

So, what is different? Are you feeling more detached from H? More indifferent?

I didn't want to sound harsh at all in my earlier post, and I hope it didn't come off that way. I'm just concerned for anyone that holds on to a dead M where the WAS shows NO intention of growing and improving themselves. I think it breeds unhealthy attitudes and leads to unhappiness not only in the LBS but in their children.

[kissak]

oh, I didnt think you were harsh at all...actually you open my eyes up sometimes to see other things. I do appreciate that.

I do feel much more detached from him. Its hard to say what I feel for him now. Maybe I just feel more like he is my friend...aggravating at time friend, but still a friend that I love more than the others. Honestly I think my heart is locked up so tight right now, that its hard to feel anything else at times!!

He is a good guy until it comes to the being faithful department. That I dont believe he ever would be. I mean, he would sneak around to be with me when he was with the OW "his soulmate". I just cant get past that. He cant resist temptation.

Ugh, anyway....I just need to quit worrying about all of this and just talk to him about it all. But finding the right time is going to be a problem.

[dday101798]

I do feel much more detached from him. Its hard to say what I feel for him now. Maybe I just feel more like he is my friend...aggravating at time friend, but still a friend that I love more than the others. Honestly I think my heart is locked up so tight right now, that its hard to feel anything else at times!!

Hi Kissak,

Just passing by and this caught my eye. Trying to be a 'loving friend' is nothing more than self-deprectiation. What kind a 'friend' does these type of things that you'd want to keep around?

I felt the same way for a long long time. I felt, even tho I lost my W, I could still hold on to 'my best friend' of so long. Well, when more and more grief was thrown my way, I came to the realization I just pointed out above. I don't need 'friends' like that in my life and things have been on the up and up in that sense.

Point blank, as long as you feel the need to be that 'loving friend', you will NEVER detach, and your pains shall never cease.

[kissak]

Point blank, as long as you feel the need to be that 'loving friend', you will NEVER detach, and your pains shall never cease.

You may be right to a certain point there.


UGH!!!!!!!! I wonder how loud I can actually scream on here!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does my H take what I say and twist it all around to make me seem like I was telling him what to do???????? and then to end the conversation he says "peace out"???????????????/ Peace out???? How old is he??????

He has been gone all week for work...he is about 8 hours from here. This is his weekend with the kids...he said he would probably not be back till Saturday but wouldnt know until Friday...so I said I just needed to know as soon as he found out when he would be back so I could make plans for the kids to be somewhere sat morning because I had to go to work early and I was trying to find someone for them to stay with friday night so it would be easier on me and them. I didnt not insist on him coming back to take care of them...I just wanted to know when he would be so I could make other plans....

So he tells me tonight that he will get kids on sat, I asked when and he said Sat morning at 8....i told him he didnt have to get them that early....he told me that I had made such a big deal about him coming back that I had to work and that I made it seem like thats what he had to do!! Then goes on saying things with attitude insinuating that OF COURSE it would be easier to have them stay off Friday night!

What it is...he thinks I have plans to go out tomorrow night!! Im sure thats it!! WHY cant he get it through his head that I CAN DO whatever I want!!!!! He is NOT MY KEEPER!!!! UGH!!!

Peace OUT?????

SO angry!!! TIcked off too!!! SO unfair that he always does this!!!

Be a man and grow up and LET ME GO if you dont want me!!!!




ok...vented enough!!

[mishka422]

Vent away sister!!!

Just tell him to do whatever he wants, like he always has, and you will bear the consequences of his decision like you always have! Ok, not very DB and just a wee bit on the sarcastic bi!ch side! My snarkiness is coming out.

[kissak]

Hey Mishka....sounds good to me!! Im alot better at being sarcastic than I use to be!! I will have to save that one for next time!!!

[kissak]

Hey Guys....Im kinda struggling today. I sort of let my H have it by text...he had the nerve to ask me what was wrong!! I just told him I was feeling very resentful of him today and that he best leave me alone!!!

Being a single mom is not what I had in mind when I had kids!! Of course, Im sure none of us did, but its just all so overwhelming at times!!

He thinks he understands, but unless we do a switch one month and have him keep the kids all the time and I will get them 2 weekends of the month he will never know what I have to go thru! Of course he tries to help and I thank him for that, but how much can he do when he is working and cant leave? I have to work/run a business 9 to 5. Get kids to school, clean house, cook, shop, etc...you all know what I mean! He works, eats, watches tv and sleeps. AND whatever else he wants to do!

I was just in a mood this morning!! I almost jumped thru the tv to get to the weather man this morning who had said there was going to be wall 2 wall sunshine today....6 times in 60 seconds!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!

OK...done venting!

[mishka422]

I have to work/run a business 9 to 5. Get kids to school, clean house, cook, shop, etc...you all know what I mean! He works, eats, watches tv and sleeps. AND whatever else he wants to do!

Boy do I hear ya on that one K!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm very resentful of my xh too, especially when he pulled the 'I parent him all the time.' on me last week. Long story but suffice it to say I blew my stack at him.

Be glad you did it by text. It's much worse by phone and then they hang up on you because they can't handle being confronted with their poor decisions.