I guess I'll have to contunie to do these things even if she does fly off the handle. Just for my own self respect and sanity.
Hah, it's sad that I have stories to relate for so much of this. I can remember my first boundary - when W decided to move out, get an apartment, go to school full-time, work full-time, and start hooking up. She called me asking for me to give her an extra day over the holidays. I was literally shaking, but I said "No."
She started yelling, I'll take you for everything you're worth, I'm filing divorce tomorrow, blah blah blah. I said, "I'm sorry, you're angry, but I've already lost 50% of my children's lives, I'm not losing any more. When you're ready to have a reasonable conversation, you can call me back." And I hung up.
An hour later, she called me back, sobbing, and talking about how she was so busy that she just felt like she was missing out. I explained to her that I could certainly understand, I hated it when the kids weren't with me. I then allowed her to SWAP a day, not GET a day.
You are absolutely right - she needs your validation. My kids told W that a woman was interested in me, and she wanted me to date her. She said D9 "needs to see you date" - her reasoning? Because she wanted me to date while married so it would excuse her affair.
Stick with it - if you are being fair. I think your approach is sound. You aren't required to validate her - you have to let her make her own decisions.
The reason why she flies off the handle is because she's mad she's not getting her own way - the next day is fine because when she gets over being mad, she has to see that you aren't trying to control her, you are establishing reasonable but firm boundaries, and you are sticking with them, not waffling.
Good for you! I know, I know, I know where you are - I can remember it clearly, and my one regret is not sticking by my guns every single time.
