OH MY LORD.....that is my situation nearly identically.... how ever she is not quite that affectionate to me in the tough times right now......
I have been trying to live by DB because I believe in it but my W says I am on a roller coaster of emotions I am...so has far to many secrets and EOA and well as A's for my to trust so easily and without transparency, I am on a roller coaster.
Have you read Divorce Remedy as well as Divorce Busting?
I have been going through this for nearly a year. She hasn't been affectionate to me through the whole thing. Not even close. Lots of "Ups & Downs" if you will.
"so has far to many secrets and EOA and well as A's for my to trust so easily and without transparency" You kind of lost me here sorry. What's EOA?
You should start a thread. I'll be sure to keep in touch with a fellow Michigander.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I guess I'll have to contunie to do these things even if she does fly off the handle. Just for my own self respect and sanity.
Hah, it's sad that I have stories to relate for so much of this. I can remember my first boundary - when W decided to move out, get an apartment, go to school full-time, work full-time, and start hooking up. She called me asking for me to give her an extra day over the holidays. I was literally shaking, but I said "No."
She started yelling, I'll take you for everything you're worth, I'm filing divorce tomorrow, blah blah blah. I said, "I'm sorry, you're angry, but I've already lost 50% of my children's lives, I'm not losing any more. When you're ready to have a reasonable conversation, you can call me back." And I hung up.
An hour later, she called me back, sobbing, and talking about how she was so busy that she just felt like she was missing out. I explained to her that I could certainly understand, I hated it when the kids weren't with me. I then allowed her to SWAP a day, not GET a day.
You are absolutely right - she needs your validation. My kids told W that a woman was interested in me, and she wanted me to date her. She said D9 "needs to see you date" - her reasoning? Because she wanted me to date while married so it would excuse her affair.
Stick with it - if you are being fair. I think your approach is sound. You aren't required to validate her - you have to let her make her own decisions.
The reason why she flies off the handle is because she's mad she's not getting her own way - the next day is fine because when she gets over being mad, she has to see that you aren't trying to control her, you are establishing reasonable but firm boundaries, and you are sticking with them, not waffling.
Good for you! I know, I know, I know where you are - I can remember it clearly, and my one regret is not sticking by my guns every single time.
have worded things very similarly in the past and her response has been a ton of anger with her yelling "this isn't all about you," or "stop trying to make this about you" and even "It doesn't matter what you want." Followed of course by her acting like all was fine the next day.
"I agree this isn't about me. It's about your behavior, this is all about things you have control over."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
FYI - mid-Michigan girl here, too. I'm in CA now, but grew up in Dow Chem, USA and lived there til partway thru college.
I started in the north and worked south slowly. Spent a few years in Mt. P (in your old neck of the woods), then came down just outside of "The D."
I've kept up fairly closely with your sitch. Good things happening over there. I love to read the good things. It's like fuel to keep me going. The 'steamy' things are fun to see too
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
She started yelling, I'll take you for everything you're worth, I'm filing divorce tomorrow, blah blah blah. I said, "I'm sorry, you're angry, but I've already lost 50% of my children's lives, I'm not losing any more. When you're ready to have a reasonable conversation, you can call me back." And I hung up.
This is amazing, JF! EB and I both need a lesson from you. EB, as you know my H flies off the handle almost daily, then acts as if nothing is wrong! I loooooooooove JF's advice. I'm going to literally print it out and carry it with me until the time the volcano explodes - and it will - and I need a statement to help me walk away.
Brilliant. And it worked. EB, I suggest you do the same. Memorize the lines like you were going for an OScar! It may work, and it may not, but hey, part of DB is finding out what works and doesn't so why not try?
I will go get DR....I am sure it is just equally as good as DB. EOA, Emotional Online Affair.
All I am trying to do right now is be a good person and keep this roller coaster of emotions leveled out. She often acts as though i am being unreasonable with these emotions.
Let me ask you how you or any other SP would be after 6 A's and OEA's, and having just read the notes from one of them. I think it is reasonable however, I do realize it isn't going to help our relationship.
I walked in just as she was changing yesterday. With all of the confidence in the world, I sat on the edge of "her" bed, grabbed her and started kissing her stomach. (her shirt was off) She kissed my mouth. I pulled her on the bed and we just kissed and talked for a while.
She talked about how surreal this is. She put a bid on that house today. She said she loves me and is so sorry that "she is going through this." She said she can't imagine how I must feel or how she would feel in my shoes. She said I have been amazing through this and how she feels so much more comfortable with me recently.
I told her that I have put a great deal of effort into trying to figure out how she must feel and that I am sorry she is going through it too. I told her that we will do much better with eachother if we did try to think of the other's perspective more often.
It was very playful with some serious talk mixed in. She really seemed to like it.
She had been getting ready to leave so the kissing and talk didn't go any further.
She asked if I wanted to see the place that she was bidding on. I told her no.
She left. She was supposed to leave S's booster seat when she left (State law mandates boosters until 8 here). I called her cell phone to ask where the seat was. She forgot to leave it, because she was 'distracted.' Hee He.
She came home a few hours later. She gave me a hug and held on to me for a while. I didn't pursue any further.
Fast forward to this morning.
I went in S's room and kissed him good bye as I always do. W called me into "her" room and reached out for a hug when I walked in. (I have walked right by "her" room without a word for months).
I kissed her cheek. She kissed my lips. A bunch. She held the hug for a long time. I said "have a good day" and so did she. I left leaving her wanting more.
Moral of the story? I don't freaking know.
I am sure she's still moving out, but at least she's seeing me in a different light. She is seeing this as something that "she" is going through right now as opposed to "me" being an A-hole.
Through all of that, I still don't have much for expectations believe it or not.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
This is similiar to the way my W was acting when she left 2 weeks ago. All I can say is to play it cool from here on out. Things changed immediately when she moved out (probably in most part because I began to heed the advice of robx, Coach, Puppy, et al.). It was a scary time for me, but I learned I can handle myself on my own pretty well.
I started feeling better shortly after she moved out. I think that is in part what scared me. I thought "If I am able to handle this as well as I am; she must be on cloud nine." But I am finding that is not the case. Hang in there.
