Magnificent

[mishka422]

I had C yesterday afternoon and it was a serious meltdown. Something I didn't exect to hit me hard felt like someone had dropped a stone on me.

She had me doing one of those complete the sentence exercises. It was going along ok. A few things made me a uncomfortable or upset but no biggie, then she said "My dad is......." I lost it! I started crying so hard I could barely control myself.

Apparently I have been carrying around a load of grief for over 22 years that I haven't fully dealt with. I think I stuffed it down because I was young and didn't know what to do with it. A few other sentences brought out a lot of my resentment and obvious hostility toward Gabe for the way he handled (or refused to handle) situations.

Next exercise.....something we talk about here often. Writing a letter, never to be mailed, telling Gabe all of the ways I was dissappointed and hurt over the years and my feelings about it ending the letter with his final act of disrespect toward me - bringing the broom to our 'visitation meeting' and ambushing me with her then leaving me there facing her alone. I'm still harboring a lot of anger toward him for putting me in that position and haven't been able to fully let that go.

Why do I hold on to these things and rehash them over and over in my head. The outcome will never be different. There is no do-over. Why is it stuck cycling in there? Don't know, all I know is I want it to stop....poste haste!

The rain is holding off today but we're expecting more in the next few days. Two of my cousin's sons are flooded out of their apartments already. Her oldest works for a company that handles storm damage. He hasn't been home more than 6 total hours in the last 3 days. Poor guy!