In answer to your questions, it can't be about her. You aren't doing anything on account of her. It's a decent sign that she's asking, but your actions from now on have to be about YOU. For starters, you have been needy and co-dependent. I know how you feel...I seek those reassurances also, but you also need to temper any of that with realizing that your life doesn't begin and end with her.
There is only one person that is going to look out for you..and that's you. Start getting active outside the home. Give yourself permission to have fun. Hook up with old friends. Throw yourself into being a good father to your kids. Keep active with them.
You worry that your wife will think you don't love her. That isn't a bad thing. She should wonder, "what's up with this. He should be crushed but he doesn't even seem unhappy about this. Why is he so fine without me?" I'll bet you that before the bomb was dropped that you didn't yearn for your wife this much. I'll bet you didn't feel like she was your world. It's when you couldn't have her anymore that suddenly you can't imagine a life without her. Isn't that about right? Would it hurt for her to get the feeling that maybe she doesn't have you anymore?
My answer to her question is: "I'm sorry if it feels I'm being cold. I've realized that I'm responsible for my own happiness and want to start focusing on improving the person I am and focusing on the kids. I've been codependent, needing validation from you for happiness and it wasn't fair to you or to me. This is probably what I needed to jump-start my life." But you can't just say it. Do it. You WILL be okay. Let her see the other side of you...the confident side that KNOWS he can have a good life without her. Put that doubt in her mind.
P.S. Cold isn't what you are shooting for. You can still be friendly, just don't be focused on her. Continue not to seek kisses, hugs, or other gestures of that sort. At this point she probably gives them more out of pity than anything anyway. You don't want pity attention do you?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
