Today was the worst drama we have had in a long time. It also the first time I openly mentioned that I am at a breaking point with the M.
Problem as I see it for both of us is that we are too hot to stay together and too hot apart - I mean that even if we don't stay together there is so much unresolved emotion.
He's just too big of a mess! The fact that he won't take any responsibility for anything and even twists his cancellations into your failures somehow shows how irrational he continues to be. I don't know how he can work on a marriage when he really needs to work on himself.
Maybe you need to walk away for a while and just work on YOURself, too. Heal. Spend more time with al anon or an IC instead of a MC. I'm not saying file for divorce (unless you want to) but I think you need a break from this crazy dance.
He's just too big of a mess! The fact that he won't take any responsibility for anything and even twists his cancellations into your failures somehow shows how irrational he continues to be. I don't know how he can work on a marriage when he really needs to work on himself.
Maybe you need to walk away for a while and just work on YOURself, too. Heal. Spend more time with al anon or an IC instead of a MC. I'm not saying file for divorce (unless you want to) but I think you need a break from this crazy dance.
Completely agree!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well last night he kept calling but I didn't answer to catch a break. This a.m. he kept calling again and I basically told him that there wasn't anyway to fix this relationship today like he suggests.It is always "let's try to find a way to start over" and always without MC, without AA or without the church. At that point I asked him if he really understood his addiction b/c just not drinking is a step in the right direction but there is still a lot of work to be done. I reminded him of how happy he was this summer. How excited he got about things and how new everything was for him. He did admit that it was true - then says that I had a meltdown... (meaning I was stressed out trying to help the kids gather up their belongings for a move) and I will admit that I was going through a deeply moving time of loss. He doesn't want to hear it was NORMAL! - he wants to blame me for getting stressed out and stressing him out.
So given his defensiveness about his "lack" of understanding about the affects of his addiction on him - I did suggest that we not have contact.
His response... ok I hear that YOU are NOT ready or willing to work on this relationship with me!
I just let it go. I thought about it and realized what does it matter who is ready or willing - and he is right - I am not willing to work on this relationship with his current thinking and recent behaviors.The fact that he doesn't realize that he isn't either doesn't matter.
I have also had moments in the last few weeks where I think life would be much easier for him without me for a partner. He wouldn't have to face reminders of the past, doesn't have to deal with anyone's feelings and lives as he pleases. No committments, no problems, no expectations etc... just thinking.
Forgot to mention that tommorrow is our anniversary and for the second year we will not be together - this feels like a losing battle.
Kass...keep asking yourself what is best for YOU and not worry about what your H is thinking. My friend told me something the other day that made total sense. If I took exh back guaranteed in 10 years, 4 years, 2 months 3 weeks...whatever the same cycle will repeat as he has no clue how to maintain a relationship and when things get hard he gets angry and bails. He cannot maintain a good relationship with his children, most of his family, and friends. Its not just me.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Good advice. Had a lot of insights yesterday and this morning. Helped me to see how we get tangled and my part in that mess. Also saw how to untangle. Kind of like detachment but a more personal version based on my past.
It also allowed me to reach a point (at least for two days) where I stop holding onto the relationship if need be. This week off and no kids, showed me what it would be like. There are things I don't like and some things that I do like. (like running around home improvement stores shopping for the house with two young crazy contractors who just happen to be very funny, like what they do, and do quality work) They made me laugh today. THat's a good thing.
I called H today, it is our anniversary and I had pretty much told him early in the week to forget it. So, I called to see if he wanted to go to dinner and if not I would understand. He called back to say that he very would like to if it meant that I was on board to work in rebuilding the M - if on the other hand I just wanted to go to dinner b/c of the day - he would politely turn me down.
So we are going to dinner will let you know how it goes. In the mean time he had a lot of positive things to say to me - and took responsibility for a lot as well. Good start, but I reminded him that we need to go slow - very slow! No preset outcome, no guarantees, just starting from scratch at trust and forgiveness. He wasn't thrilled but validated the point.
So, today compliments, positive thinking, positive talk, validation and easily admitted his feelings to me. I was overwhelmed and told him so - asked him to back up a little - so the things that rip us apart can be healed and resolved.
Trying to do what I want to do without fear. I doubt he will go anywhere - but I made it clear and will repeat it to him - that he has to be honest with himself knowing what he knows now. Just as I am reevaluating and looking to see what can done or not.
Next day, had long talk and he opened up for the first time about the past for him, his anger, shame, and guilt related to bad behavior and poor choices. It explained a lot and showed me more of who he is and that he is healing.
We both learned from that night how limited we are in understanding each other - I can only judge his intentions or behavior by what I hear and see in the present and vice versa. What he told me that night changed everything I knew about him in a good way. He also processed his thoughts and feelings about his recent slip with a lot of honesty which is not in itself new, but sharing negative feelings about himself is new.
