WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[PMA_Baby!]

Can I get a Amen?

Take care of yourself - emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. Give yourself some credit for getting this far, now call a timeout and catch your breathe and get some water. Time to get your head back in the game. You are reacting instead of thinking thru the play.

Detach, drope the rope, let go, find space, meditate, whatever it takes so that you find a little peace. It's not your fault you are in this situation. Forgive yourself and love yourself. You can't give away won't you don't have. You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

Yes you can! AMEN AMEN Brotha!!! Great advice as always Coach! Everyone on this board should read this over and over... Especially you Kevin. Take time to get over the initial SHOCK of this whole experience. In looking back the one word that I use to describe my experience is SHOCK.

Any SHOCK to the system is very detrimental and needs time to settle down.

Let the dust settle so you can see more clearly. If more people would learn how to REACT more RATIONALLY versus EMOTIONALLY; half of us wouldnt be here. I know I problably wouldnt be.

Great post.

Thanks Coach.

[confusedinpa]

All,

Once again, I find myself thankful of having folks hear who care enough to support me and potentially save me from myself.

Take care of yourself - emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. Give yourself some credit for getting this far, now call a timeout and catch your breathe and get some water. Time to get your head back in the game. You are reacting instead of thinking thru the play.

Detach, drope the rope, let go, find space, meditate, whatever it takes so that you find a little peace. It's not your fault you are in this situation. Forgive yourself and love yourself. You can't give away won't you don't have. You can handle it.

Coach,

This does make a lot of sense to me. Thanks for the reminding me of taking care of me. I know at times it sounds like I haven't detached as I really use this forum to vent and think out loud, as well as journaling. I know I do have a long way to go, but do think I've started down the road.

I have forgiven myself for my end of what's brought our marriage to this point and am trying to "love myself" again. It's hard to be happy with myself considering the mess the boys and I are in, but I do recognize it took 2 people to get us to this point. I do recognize how much I have survived already and am thankful for all the love and support I have gotten from my friends, family and the people here.

I know that I will survive the blow of finding how she has been cheating and lying to me all this time. I don't know what that survival looks like but I know I will.

Thanks for guiding my head back in the game - without the use of lumber!

[confusedinpa]

Just catching up on journaling for the last 2 days. Not much activity.

On Tues - I had text her about another mishap I had with my phone (I'm on my 5th phone in 2 months). She called me right away and we laughed/joked about it. That was pretty much the extent of our interaction that day. I talked to the boys for a bit at nite - again, no skype.

On Weds - not much interaction until the end of the day. She called because our 3 year old was stressing asking for me. I talked to him for about 20 minutes and he calmed down. I asked him to do a good job for mommy and I would talk to him later that nite. She sent me a couple of funny pictures she took of the kids in the evening. Later that nite, when the boys called me, my 3 year old was really talkative and we chatted for a while. My 7 year old was stressing about something and didn't say much. It was hard for me to hear him so I just said good nite.

So, not too much going on in the marriage front.

Some good news is that I may have finally found an apartment. I'm suppose to sign the papers today. I'm keeping my fingers crossed....

[The Wifey]

CIPA,

Hands down, forgiving myself for my part in our marriage problems and how I hurt him has been the most difficult part of this. I can finally say that I have done that. Forgiving myself has been cathartic, because I can now see past me to "him." We both had a part to play.

For goodness sake - fix the skype already. Even if that means you have to sit in the same house with her and walk her through the steps, as I suspect it is the ID-10-T error and lack of effort more than a technical glitch.

An apartment would be good for you. Your space to make as you see fit. I know from redecorating my house from one end to the other since my H moved out has helped me tremendously.

The hurt of the betrayal will be with you for a long time. Be gentle with yourself. That isn't something you just "get over" and it will take time.

[confusedinpa]

Wifey,

Forgiving myself had been very hard. I spent about 3 months with my therapist working that one through. So I do feel like I have forgiven myself and, as my friends and family have said, that I have stopped beating myself up for all that I've done to bring us to where we're at.

Of course, accepting the forgiving of myself has gotten easier since I've found out the awful truth of what she had been doing for over a year.

Even then, I do get sad about it. We both had such high expectations and dreams when we made the promise to each other almost 10 years ago (our anniversary is on 10/10 - that's going to be a tough day for me). I feel like I, we've, failed to realize the incredible potential that promise had to offer. What I am proud of, is because of that promise, we have two beautiful children that I love dearly. I do know that this past year has been a huge learning experience for me and I've grown more that I have in the time during our marriage.

I don't know if I will ever be able to get through the hurt of the betrayal. I just can't see ever trusting her again. That's where I do agree with Sandi's comments - that she is still continue to play me and butter me up for stuff that she needs. Ironically, I have given her everything that she wanted, but she said I never gave her me. I do see how my priorities were not balanced but when I showed her that I understood and changed. Even she recognizes it but said it still wasn't good enough. It becomes clearer to me each day that this is her loss.

I do want nothing more to renew the marriage with my wife, but I just don't see how I could do it without the trust that is essential in all relationships - especially in a marriage. How do you trust someone who has betrayed you and had been so "evil"? It goes beyond the cheating, it's how she treated me over this past year. Toying with my emotions, hopes and guilt. This was just cruel. That is what hurts - which is getting less each day. I am also finding that I am able to find ways to be happy, not just when I'm with my boys, but when I'm with my friends, family and by myself.

The down/hurt feelings still happen, but they are becoming less frequent and less severe and my up/happy moments, outside of my boys, are coming around as well. Guess that's progress....

I know I need to continue to take this time for me to heal. Setting up my apartment in NY will really help as I still haven't changed anything in my house in PA (except for replacing some of the stuff that she had taken). All her pictures and decorations are still up - I've been using the excuse of keeping it the same for my boys, but I know I've been lying to myself about that. I know it's for me, trying to hold onto the past. I'll cross that bridge when I've gotten things settled in NY so I will have time/energy to take care of things back in PA.

I do agree with you that the skype/laptop issue is more of a lack of effort than a technical glitch. It works fine everywhere except her apt. I just refuse to go into/near her apt - knowing what she had been doing there. That's why I offered to pay to have the Geek Squad take care of it. Her answer of she had to think about it tells me enough to know she doesn't want to get it working. She's afraid of having the laptop on her network because she is still trying to figure out how I found out and all the evidence I got. Guess that's what happens once you've crossed over the line to lying and cheating. You wind up letting paranoia drive your decisions....

So whenever this journey comes to its end and where ever it leads me, I will want to be able to say to myself and my boys and did everything I could possible to do to save the marriage and I have followed that path with honor.

BTW - from a post you made on your thread a while back, both my boys know all the words to "The Climb". They call it our theme song :-)

[Tomato]

good morning cipa

[PMA_Baby!]

Sounds like your finally on the road to detachment. Nice job!

PMA

[sandi2]

I think it is really to soon for you to be considering reconciling b/c you don't even know how to label your feelings. You do realize that you feel "disgust" and as long as you feel that way, I don't think you should try to get back together. As long as you feel anger, disgust, or any other negative stuff, I'd stay away from entertaining the idea of reconciling. In fact, I blieve you give too much thought about it and your brain and emotions have not had a chance to rest. Try to just put all this aside b/c you've got until one of you get M again to think about it.

That brings me to something else. I know you are throwing yourself into being a great dad, and that is what you should do, however, you need some time for you. I think I mentioned this once before. I know you enjoy yourself and have fun with your boys, but you need some adult time. You work hard all day and you count the hours that you'll be with your kids. Have you made any new friends where you are living? I haven't seen where you've been out or where you've met anyone at the office. Is there some place you could go around town to meet new people? I'm not suggesting you get into another R b/c you aren't ready for that! But, you do need to find some folks other than your kids, your boss, and your WAW to be around. Your life needs to be more well-rounded. I think you would feel a lot better.

[confusedinpa]

That brings me to something else. I know you are throwing yourself into being a great dad, and that is what you should do, however, you need some time for you. I think I mentioned this once before. I know you enjoy yourself and have fun with your boys, but you need some adult time. You work hard all day and you count the hours that you'll be with your kids. Have you made any new friends where you are living? I haven't seen where you've been out or where you've met anyone at the office. Is there some place you could go around town to meet new people? I'm not suggesting you get into another R b/c you aren't ready for that! But, you do need to find some folks other than your kids, your boss, and your WAW to be around. Your life needs to be more well-rounded. I think you would feel a lot better.

Sandi,

I totally agree about rounding out my life - guess that's the getting a life part. On the weekends, I do try to schedule things with my friends that I can bring my kids to - i.e. fair, musicfest, carnival, races, etc. I also invite my friends over for dinner with me and my boys or just to grab some drinks after the kids go to bed (that hasn't worked out too well as they keep getting up - gotta love kids).

I've also been talking to a number of people on this board, as well as my friends and family at nites. I do go out to lunch every day with co-workers. At least twice a week I go out to dinner or grab drinks with a co-worker. I also try to excersize at least once a week (running). Once I actually move into my apt (still staying in a hotel until almost mid-Oct), I'm going to find a boxing class.

So I am trying to get a life and devote time to myself and being happy with myself. I don't post about it much as I'm pretty satisfied with that end of it.

I do appreciate your concern Sandi and I know you are genuinely looking out of me.

Thanks!

[sandi2]

I do appreciate your concern Sandi and I know you are genuinely looking out of me.

Yeah....just think of me as a your adopted mom.