I agree with the sex part, but I disagree with the OM part.
My W made a promise to me to "forsake all others". Perhaps your word doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me. I've heard all the excuses, but an affair is an affair no matter which way you try to justify it - even if OM was "gentle and understanding". If your husband is a butt-hole, then divorce him, but do it right.
That being said, if my W agreed to MC, I would not say a word about the OM. In my opinion, if she agrees to MC, then the OM is not all that and is fading fast, otherwise, he'd be her world, and MC wouldn't be an option. On that point, we completely agree. It would absolutely be worth getting with an objective person, and letting W spill her guts, talk about her feelings. Perception is reality, and sometimes you have to recognize that, no matter if you think W's feelings are crazy, they are WHAT SHE FEELS!
However, going forward, for the R to have any possible chance of moving toward reconciliation, even friendship, the OM would have to go. And I don't mean just go - I mean never see again, not a single text, not a single phone call, not any f2f, NOTHING.
If that's the "Taking Charge approach or getting his nuts back", then that's what it is, but it's right. If she didn't like it, she could go back to Mr. Gentle and Understanding, and see how long that lasted.
Sometimes, doing the right thing is more important than anything else. I can live with myself doing that.
