Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

I kept busy working outside most of last night. W asked if I wanted dinner. I thanked her but passed.

AFter S went to bed, I came in and checked on her. I asked if she was OK and she looked like she was going to cry. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed, forehead, and said you just looked like you needed a hug.

She started crying and telling me that she was so sorry for all of this. I didn't respond. She held me tight and didn't let go when I did. She said she feels like such a horrible person. I didn't respond.

She let go do blow her nose, but sat behind me on "her" bed instead of coming back to my arms. I asked if she wanted me to stay with her or leave her alone. She said "whatever you want." I said "I asked that YOU want." (this has been an issue for us...she never says what SHE wants). She said she was fine either way and I calmly, almost lovingly responded "I don't really want to be where I am not actively wanted anymore. You know where I will be if you want me."

It's true. I am sick of feeling unwanted.

I didn't hear from her the rest of the night.

This morning, I left the house later than usual. She was up with S when I left. She was cordial but distant. Very little interaction.

I had a funny feeling to call her about 9:30 this morning. I never call her anymore. I called and told her that I was just checking to see that she was OK. She said this is really nerve-racking, and told me that she truly appreciated my call.

She told me that she was just leaving to go to the realtor's office.

It's so weird. I honestly feel like I have been the husband that only a fool would leave recently. Her version of the past has just painted me into something that I am not. A lot of it isn't even accurate to what I was then.

Numbness is fading. I am tired.

She has never had the fear of losing me. She almost seems to have the attitude that if someone else would make me happy than so be it. Looking back, it seems that she has been detached for quite a while. Her crying on me last night seemed not like she was happy that it was me there. I could have been anyone. Just someone to give her a hug.